hmmm.
i felt so sure...so positively sure.
but now..i felt like i threw away a good jacket because i felt i wouldn't have to need it.
but i need it now. i really need it now.
Monday, December 29, 2008
look what you've done-jet
this song reminds me of summer before senior year.
so, just had dinner with my family. i mean we have dinner every night but we discussed a topic on which i can't find a feeling to describe how i feel towards it.
i have different feelings regarding it.
so my dad had a tough time growing up. explaining when he had to live with his uncle he didn't recieve the benefits of going out & hanging out with friends or even eatting dinner with his uncles family. he didn't have money to pay to stay with his uncle so he would make up by doing excess chores such as cutting grass from 8am to 2pm (philippines circa 1980s? no money to buy lawn mower if they were even around then?) doing his uncle's family's laundry...pretty much the chores that a house maid would have. this is my dad's response to defend his opinion that my living with my aunt & uncle is no way a struggle for me. this is my dad's way of enforcing the value of sacrifice. but my situation is different isn't it? we pay to stay so i really don't understand why i'd have to do excess chores. i don't understand why i have to ask a day before if i want to go out. i don't even understand why i HAVE to ASK to go out. i'm sorry, i can't find reason enough to explain how these little stupid requirements isn't bullshit.
i feel bad that my dad had a rough past. it even makes me question the filipino values. in some aspects i'm ashamed.
i'm ashamed that the temperature of family is cold. i questioned why my uncle didn't take my dad in as his own & he says it's because my uncle looked down at my dad's family because they were poor. my parents explained that's how it is in the philippines. my dad explained that it wasn't until after he joined the military and started making money, that his uncle started to act nicer towards him. it makes me angry to think that's how superficial filipinos can be.
i'm ashamed that gossip is a pastime for filipino ladies that grew up in the philippines.
i'm ashamed that a lot of movies seem to mimic american movies.
i'm ashamed that they value the essence & even strive for white skin/lighter skin through soaps & lotions for a higher status instead of embracing their own & tracing their deeper roots.
i'm not completely ashamed of my culture but there are parts of it that grieves me to associate.
so, just had dinner with my family. i mean we have dinner every night but we discussed a topic on which i can't find a feeling to describe how i feel towards it.
i have different feelings regarding it.
so my dad had a tough time growing up. explaining when he had to live with his uncle he didn't recieve the benefits of going out & hanging out with friends or even eatting dinner with his uncles family. he didn't have money to pay to stay with his uncle so he would make up by doing excess chores such as cutting grass from 8am to 2pm (philippines circa 1980s? no money to buy lawn mower if they were even around then?) doing his uncle's family's laundry...pretty much the chores that a house maid would have. this is my dad's response to defend his opinion that my living with my aunt & uncle is no way a struggle for me. this is my dad's way of enforcing the value of sacrifice. but my situation is different isn't it? we pay to stay so i really don't understand why i'd have to do excess chores. i don't understand why i have to ask a day before if i want to go out. i don't even understand why i HAVE to ASK to go out. i'm sorry, i can't find reason enough to explain how these little stupid requirements isn't bullshit.
i feel bad that my dad had a rough past. it even makes me question the filipino values. in some aspects i'm ashamed.
i'm ashamed that the temperature of family is cold. i questioned why my uncle didn't take my dad in as his own & he says it's because my uncle looked down at my dad's family because they were poor. my parents explained that's how it is in the philippines. my dad explained that it wasn't until after he joined the military and started making money, that his uncle started to act nicer towards him. it makes me angry to think that's how superficial filipinos can be.
i'm ashamed that gossip is a pastime for filipino ladies that grew up in the philippines.
i'm ashamed that a lot of movies seem to mimic american movies.
i'm ashamed that they value the essence & even strive for white skin/lighter skin through soaps & lotions for a higher status instead of embracing their own & tracing their deeper roots.
i'm not completely ashamed of my culture but there are parts of it that grieves me to associate.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
if you leave-musiq & mjb
i have a feeling this would be one of my songs.
so last night was pretty fun. despite getting my glasses broken..but they're fixed now so its all good.
i haven't been drunk in a while & it was greeeaat. dancing with the ladies...we had to keep migrating on the dance floor to avoid creepy random guys. i was dancing and waving my hand with the ring on my ring finger like it said something but i don't think it said much aside from the obvious (druuuunk). its fun to be drunk with good company :) i didn't want to leave. i said bye to everyone we passed in the club. drunk japanese people are really friendly..then we were talking down motomachi & i just kept saying how much love my boyfriend. ridiculous. damn fool huh...sleeping on the train ride home is always nice too. the only thing i hate about going out is reeking of cigarette smoke & alcohol & sweat. but coming home,passing out, then waking up to shower feels really goood.
i wish i could love being home without worrying. i wish i had a tougher shell. i know i talk like i do but that's only in hopes that i could verbally convince myself. but stripped i know i'm nothing but soft. compassionate. vulnerable. weak.
"these buildings could drift out to sea,some natural catastrophe..still there's no place i'd rather be...coz nothing even matters to me"
damn it, seriously.
so last night was pretty fun. despite getting my glasses broken..but they're fixed now so its all good.
i haven't been drunk in a while & it was greeeaat. dancing with the ladies...we had to keep migrating on the dance floor to avoid creepy random guys. i was dancing and waving my hand with the ring on my ring finger like it said something but i don't think it said much aside from the obvious (druuuunk). its fun to be drunk with good company :) i didn't want to leave. i said bye to everyone we passed in the club. drunk japanese people are really friendly..then we were talking down motomachi & i just kept saying how much love my boyfriend. ridiculous. damn fool huh...sleeping on the train ride home is always nice too. the only thing i hate about going out is reeking of cigarette smoke & alcohol & sweat. but coming home,passing out, then waking up to shower feels really goood.
i wish i could love being home without worrying. i wish i had a tougher shell. i know i talk like i do but that's only in hopes that i could verbally convince myself. but stripped i know i'm nothing but soft. compassionate. vulnerable. weak.
"these buildings could drift out to sea,some natural catastrophe..still there's no place i'd rather be...coz nothing even matters to me"
damn it, seriously.
"sorry for the stupid things" babyface
i'm going out & i feel like i'm riding the parallel of sexy. i only have my glasses since i ruined my last pair of contacts. i don't get my new pair until the 8th. hahah, oh well. no one to impress anyway, but its nice to feel if i look good or not.
superficial of me i know.
dang. i think all i'll be doing is hanging out at the bar while my friends dance. i'm pretty sure that's how the night will play out.
last time i went out clubbing i was single. it was fun.
but i'd trade this night with a night with him & a movie.
or even better, it'd be nice if he was here.
if you're reading this, i know you're laughing! shut up.
man i miss you.
anyway. i watched Girl Fight...i didn't get to finish it though but it seems like a cool movie. michelle rodriguez is pretty bad ass. her arms were so nice, toned, & cut. not in an unattractive cut way either. it'd be cool.
i really want to change out & into some sweats and tank. go downstairs and bum. i know,, i'm not entirely the life of any party. i like staying in when i'm back home.
superficial of me i know.
dang. i think all i'll be doing is hanging out at the bar while my friends dance. i'm pretty sure that's how the night will play out.
last time i went out clubbing i was single. it was fun.
but i'd trade this night with a night with him & a movie.
or even better, it'd be nice if he was here.
if you're reading this, i know you're laughing! shut up.
man i miss you.
anyway. i watched Girl Fight...i didn't get to finish it though but it seems like a cool movie. michelle rodriguez is pretty bad ass. her arms were so nice, toned, & cut. not in an unattractive cut way either. it'd be cool.
i really want to change out & into some sweats and tank. go downstairs and bum. i know,, i'm not entirely the life of any party. i like staying in when i'm back home.
Friday, December 26, 2008
we still-frankie j
crap. i can't find my font types.
anyway.
i love this song...it reminds me of high school nights...for some reason.
i think it is stupid & insecure of me to allow past situations to sting me. especially because it was a past without me. i don't know what went down all that time but i can't help but feeling guilty now. i can't hate her, i don't even know her. & what makes it worst is that i do understand. i know how it is to love someone with all of me. how it is to love someone more. to let them go. it was the most painful ordeal of my life. i can't love the same consequently not to say that i don't love because i do, just it is different this time around. i may lack walls but i'm not blind like i used to. it takes a first love to really see the light. to build tougher skin.
this christmas i'm thankful to have spent it with my family here in japan & with my extended fam back here in japan. i do miss him though & can't help but think what he would say if he was here with me. what he would say in regards to the culture, to the weather, to the food, to the cars, to the roads...just little things. its stupid because i laugh out loud to little thoughts because most of the time i could imagine what he would say.
i'm happy that i learned to love again. its cliche & corny, but i seriously did not think i could have let myself. i learned that in order to learn to love again you have to let go of the heartache that had once convinced you. let the wounds heal & you have to learn to be happy in your own skin. then learning to let someone in, and learning to let yourself love. i can't say that this is it but i can hope & try.
i could have gone out tonight but i'm tired from hakone. i could have gone clubbing in tokyo...but i passed. maybe if i was single or if more ladies were going...hahah. no i'm serious, no point in going if ladies weren't gonna go. & since i'm taken...i'd rather just drink if i was gona be with the guys. but i'm not gonna go all the way to tokyo & do that & spend money i don't have.
i got greys 4th season. i should go watch it soon. i also got an itouch, uggs, nike frees (running shoes...still breakin them in but i went for two miles yesterday & they feel alright), gloves, purse...pretty cool things. black diamonds from the love.. first time i've ever received jewelry from a guy. well, real deal jewelry. hahah...too bad i couldn't have spent it with him & fam but he's there & they're here.
i went on all sorts of tangents hahah. yeah my heads a mess kind of. well i'm going to bum it downstairs. i hope everyone enjoyed their christmas :)
anyway.
i love this song...it reminds me of high school nights...for some reason.
i think it is stupid & insecure of me to allow past situations to sting me. especially because it was a past without me. i don't know what went down all that time but i can't help but feeling guilty now. i can't hate her, i don't even know her. & what makes it worst is that i do understand. i know how it is to love someone with all of me. how it is to love someone more. to let them go. it was the most painful ordeal of my life. i can't love the same consequently not to say that i don't love because i do, just it is different this time around. i may lack walls but i'm not blind like i used to. it takes a first love to really see the light. to build tougher skin.
this christmas i'm thankful to have spent it with my family here in japan & with my extended fam back here in japan. i do miss him though & can't help but think what he would say if he was here with me. what he would say in regards to the culture, to the weather, to the food, to the cars, to the roads...just little things. its stupid because i laugh out loud to little thoughts because most of the time i could imagine what he would say.
i'm happy that i learned to love again. its cliche & corny, but i seriously did not think i could have let myself. i learned that in order to learn to love again you have to let go of the heartache that had once convinced you. let the wounds heal & you have to learn to be happy in your own skin. then learning to let someone in, and learning to let yourself love. i can't say that this is it but i can hope & try.
i could have gone out tonight but i'm tired from hakone. i could have gone clubbing in tokyo...but i passed. maybe if i was single or if more ladies were going...hahah. no i'm serious, no point in going if ladies weren't gonna go. & since i'm taken...i'd rather just drink if i was gona be with the guys. but i'm not gonna go all the way to tokyo & do that & spend money i don't have.
i got greys 4th season. i should go watch it soon. i also got an itouch, uggs, nike frees (running shoes...still breakin them in but i went for two miles yesterday & they feel alright), gloves, purse...pretty cool things. black diamonds from the love.. first time i've ever received jewelry from a guy. well, real deal jewelry. hahah...too bad i couldn't have spent it with him & fam but he's there & they're here.
i went on all sorts of tangents hahah. yeah my heads a mess kind of. well i'm going to bum it downstairs. i hope everyone enjoyed their christmas :)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
my sassy girl
first of all i know that my sassy girl is originally a korean movie but i just watched the american version. i'm pretty sure most of my friends who saw the korean version will probably not like the american version but i don't have time to find the movie online...anyway, i liked the movie, even if i just watched the american version. the story essentially in & of itselff is really sweet. very cute. i actually cried a little, & i can't remember the last time crying for a movie...since...who knows. i never cried in the notebook & i don't think i cried watching p.s.i love you...just kidding i did, i just remembered. the part in the beginning of the movie where she tells him it's his turn to turn off the light (but he's already dead) i think that part was the most heartbreaking out of the entire movie.
but you get it, it's a sweet story.
one part i hate about winter is dry skin. my excema become more aggravated & sensitive it sucks.
tomorrow our family friends will come over for christmas...excitingg. i missed our family friends here in japan. my close friends from those families are like blood, like cousins or even more siblings. my aunts & uncles are all very close too. we have a good time, it's always & usually very fun.
i'm sorry to my friends whom i haven't contacted yet, i hope to soon. it's been very hectic with my fam.
so i introduced my parents to my bf via telephone. i hate how my dad acts somewhat very formal but he's just looking out for me. it's kind of funny. at least this time he didn't hand out a paper with rules...haha.
i haven't much on my mind, nothing too deep. just been enjoying time back home & with the family.
we've been eatting a lot...good food but ahhh. oh man i threw away my last pair of contacts, my fault really. they were expired i should of bought more ahead of time. i'm such a procrastinator!
getting a pap smear next week. i've heard it to be a hellish ordeal. i just hope i get a woman.
uhm yeah we're going to christmas eve mass...i should start fixing my hair because it takes me forever & days to curl it.
merry christmas :)
but you get it, it's a sweet story.
one part i hate about winter is dry skin. my excema become more aggravated & sensitive it sucks.
tomorrow our family friends will come over for christmas...excitingg. i missed our family friends here in japan. my close friends from those families are like blood, like cousins or even more siblings. my aunts & uncles are all very close too. we have a good time, it's always & usually very fun.
i'm sorry to my friends whom i haven't contacted yet, i hope to soon. it's been very hectic with my fam.
so i introduced my parents to my bf via telephone. i hate how my dad acts somewhat very formal but he's just looking out for me. it's kind of funny. at least this time he didn't hand out a paper with rules...haha.
i haven't much on my mind, nothing too deep. just been enjoying time back home & with the family.
we've been eatting a lot...good food but ahhh. oh man i threw away my last pair of contacts, my fault really. they were expired i should of bought more ahead of time. i'm such a procrastinator!
getting a pap smear next week. i've heard it to be a hellish ordeal. i just hope i get a woman.
uhm yeah we're going to christmas eve mass...i should start fixing my hair because it takes me forever & days to curl it.
merry christmas :)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
crap.
for lack of a better title...no but seriously.
just telling myself i got myself into this...whatever is going on..
man. i just hope i'm okay & that nothing is seriously wrong with me.
....crap.
just telling myself i got myself into this...whatever is going on..
man. i just hope i'm okay & that nothing is seriously wrong with me.
....crap.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
ikego
so around 630am my dad wakes up & asks me to go gym with him. i figured i wasn't going to fall back asleep so i went. good choice! i ran for 20 minutes then got super exhausted hahah.but it felt good. then we got home, had breakfast with rest of fam, went to the base & did some grocery shopping..went back home..& bummed. my mom's already nagging me! crazy woman. she's already irritated because i haven't unpacked everything yet. & when she saw my hair & i told her i don't really comb it she got even more furious..hahah. & i just laugh at her being irritated because most of me believes she isn't terribly pissed. i guess more annoyed, but its funny.
ivan will be home soon, my parents went to go pick him up. i made some tofu dish, spinach&grapes&pecan salad, & will steam some crabs..there's also some pancit & i think adobo too.
last night we had pinakbet & tilapia...man i really missed my moms cooking. last time i had pinakbet was at the bf's house. which was awhile back.
oh yeah i went running around ikego this afternoon. just for 30 minutes. i'm really going to try working my way back to my summer status. i was making progress then i went & fcked it all up. then i got home...talked to the bf for a bit...yeahp.
anyway
i feel bad because nates room is trashed with all my stuff..but my first week back i like to be lazy :) hahah. stupid huh.
well i should clean at least a litte..look somewhat civil.
i'll watch some jr aquino youtube vids while i do that..haha.
ivan will be home soon, my parents went to go pick him up. i made some tofu dish, spinach&grapes&pecan salad, & will steam some crabs..there's also some pancit & i think adobo too.
last night we had pinakbet & tilapia...man i really missed my moms cooking. last time i had pinakbet was at the bf's house. which was awhile back.
oh yeah i went running around ikego this afternoon. just for 30 minutes. i'm really going to try working my way back to my summer status. i was making progress then i went & fcked it all up. then i got home...talked to the bf for a bit...yeahp.
anyway
i feel bad because nates room is trashed with all my stuff..but my first week back i like to be lazy :) hahah. stupid huh.
well i should clean at least a litte..look somewhat civil.
i'll watch some jr aquino youtube vids while i do that..haha.
Friday, December 19, 2008
jetlagged
i'm jetlagged! it sucks!
i want to be sleeping! i wanted to wake up late morning...& i did but california time. i woke up like 3isham here..which is like..10ish back in california. i want to use the phone but it's in my parent's room.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep..maybe i should take some nyquil..hahah.ugh.
it is pretty cold back home. a little bit colder than cali.
man, i'm seriously hoping that i kept my B in micro!! i don't want any C's...omg i haven't even applied to take the TEAS test. oh i'm slackin.
hahah, wednesday night was the longest goodbye of my life! i don't think it ever took me that long to say bye to someone :(. not even..
it was hard...oddly enough. it's wasn't like i was leaving & not knowing when i was going to see him again...but it was still hard. it still hurt some. it was sad. i don't know which would be more difficult, him leaving or me. flo said it probably would have been harder if he was the one leaving for a month...& yeah...it probably would.
i'm wrapped up in your smell. i don't want it to fade.
but i'm going to have to wash this tshirt sometime hah.
i don't know what else to write about..i'm so bored & tired! no movies to watch either my parent's stopped buying DVDs.."waste of money."
i knew i should have brought home my dvds..oh well.
k..i'm going to watch christian the lion or something on youtube hahahah..
man i miss you.
i want to be sleeping! i wanted to wake up late morning...& i did but california time. i woke up like 3isham here..which is like..10ish back in california. i want to use the phone but it's in my parent's room.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep..maybe i should take some nyquil..hahah.ugh.
it is pretty cold back home. a little bit colder than cali.
man, i'm seriously hoping that i kept my B in micro!! i don't want any C's...omg i haven't even applied to take the TEAS test. oh i'm slackin.
hahah, wednesday night was the longest goodbye of my life! i don't think it ever took me that long to say bye to someone :(. not even..
it was hard...oddly enough. it's wasn't like i was leaving & not knowing when i was going to see him again...but it was still hard. it still hurt some. it was sad. i don't know which would be more difficult, him leaving or me. flo said it probably would have been harder if he was the one leaving for a month...& yeah...it probably would.
i'm wrapped up in your smell. i don't want it to fade.
but i'm going to have to wash this tshirt sometime hah.
i don't know what else to write about..i'm so bored & tired! no movies to watch either my parent's stopped buying DVDs.."waste of money."
i knew i should have brought home my dvds..oh well.
k..i'm going to watch christian the lion or something on youtube hahahah..
man i miss you.
home
i'm home..
I had the best plane experience ever. I rode Japan Airlines...it was awesome! I had my own little screen tv & they had a selection of movies to choose from...I watched Love Actually, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (fave!), & House Bunny (which is pretty funnyy). I slept a lot of the time, it made the flight go way fast. I didn't have a watch on me so I don't even know how long I slept. Airplane food sucks, I never eat it. Well, I'll eat fruit, salad, or dessert...but I can't eat it all & I really don't like the main dishes...I usually feel like regurgitating when I smell it. But aside from that, the plane ride felt relatively short. I liked it. I think I'll take nyquil again when I head back.
I'm such a girl but I really misss him. Something hit me on the plane...crazy.
I feel pretty tired...I lost a day & I keep forgetting that! I keep thinking its thursday but its already friday.
feels good to be home! there's just something missing but oh well.
gdnight
I had the best plane experience ever. I rode Japan Airlines...it was awesome! I had my own little screen tv & they had a selection of movies to choose from...I watched Love Actually, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (fave!), & House Bunny (which is pretty funnyy). I slept a lot of the time, it made the flight go way fast. I didn't have a watch on me so I don't even know how long I slept. Airplane food sucks, I never eat it. Well, I'll eat fruit, salad, or dessert...but I can't eat it all & I really don't like the main dishes...I usually feel like regurgitating when I smell it. But aside from that, the plane ride felt relatively short. I liked it. I think I'll take nyquil again when I head back.
I'm such a girl but I really misss him. Something hit me on the plane...crazy.
I feel pretty tired...I lost a day & I keep forgetting that! I keep thinking its thursday but its already friday.
feels good to be home! there's just something missing but oh well.
gdnight
Monday, December 15, 2008
almost
so the rain today was pretty crazy! driving to hollister i seriously thought i was going to die. dark clouds and winds were pretty threatening. but let's say it was worth the drive :).
took my sociology final! i really hope i got a good grade. it was hard to focus because my stomach was in a terrible shock of pain..it was because i didn't eat all day! i learned that after i ate & my stomach ache went away. but yeah i was just trying to finish the test because the pain was getting unbearable. i'm just glad it wasn't the take the dump stomach ache.
about to have dinner with my cousin sooon...then more studying tonight! 3 more days...
almost there.
almost done with finals
almost feeling the warmth of home
almost near miss you central
took my sociology final! i really hope i got a good grade. it was hard to focus because my stomach was in a terrible shock of pain..it was because i didn't eat all day! i learned that after i ate & my stomach ache went away. but yeah i was just trying to finish the test because the pain was getting unbearable. i'm just glad it wasn't the take the dump stomach ache.
about to have dinner with my cousin sooon...then more studying tonight! 3 more days...
almost there.
almost done with finals
almost feeling the warmth of home
almost near miss you central
Sunday, December 14, 2008
cold sunday night
i hate these reoccuring predicaments. you'd think it'd be different.
sometimes i feel stronger alone.
i love.... but i love myself more to know i deserve better.
i hope this is just crack.
anyway.
it hit me.
it is the holidays.
it hit me on the calaveras street light. empty intersection. glossy pavement and random nice christmas song on the radio.
but i didn't feel all warm inside. just cold throughout.
cold & lonely
sometimes i feel stronger alone.
i love.... but i love myself more to know i deserve better.
i hope this is just crack.
anyway.
it hit me.
it is the holidays.
it hit me on the calaveras street light. empty intersection. glossy pavement and random nice christmas song on the radio.
but i didn't feel all warm inside. just cold throughout.
cold & lonely
Saturday, December 13, 2008
coughcoughcough
fuck! i hate being sick! well during finals week. i feel miserable =/.
dang and i really can't have a fever when i arrive to japan or they're going to lock me up for a day! that would suck.
nothing new lately, just finals. finals. finals.
i hate finals.
i'm excited & sad to leave. 4 mos this coming saturday & i won't be here. i swear it feels much longer than 4 mos. i know i'm happy about it.
wow, that means christmas is really close. it still hasn't hit me! i'm still not feeling it. there's christmas trees and music and peppermint white mochas...but it still hasn't hit me. christmas in the park didn't hit me either. maybe i won't feel it until i ride the plane. maybe i won't feel it until i'm on blue street. maybe it won't hit me until i make a phone call thousands of miles away and i feel my heart slowly breaking.
and i feel so tired without doing much! i feel so tired right now.
i just feel super miserable. inside & out.
dang and i really can't have a fever when i arrive to japan or they're going to lock me up for a day! that would suck.
nothing new lately, just finals. finals. finals.
i hate finals.
i'm excited & sad to leave. 4 mos this coming saturday & i won't be here. i swear it feels much longer than 4 mos. i know i'm happy about it.
wow, that means christmas is really close. it still hasn't hit me! i'm still not feeling it. there's christmas trees and music and peppermint white mochas...but it still hasn't hit me. christmas in the park didn't hit me either. maybe i won't feel it until i ride the plane. maybe i won't feel it until i'm on blue street. maybe it won't hit me until i make a phone call thousands of miles away and i feel my heart slowly breaking.
and i feel so tired without doing much! i feel so tired right now.
i just feel super miserable. inside & out.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
ice box
sometimes i wonder if its better to have your heart broken or to be the heart breaker.
i really wish i wasn't so stepped on.
but sometimes i feel i don't get the respect i deserve unless i'm a bitch.
& sometimes a line can be crossed.
i really wish i wasn't so stepped on.
but sometimes i feel i don't get the respect i deserve unless i'm a bitch.
& sometimes a line can be crossed.
i'm such a girl
omg i'm really going to miss him.
so we were just talking and we realized we can't see each other till sunday (b/c he's working) and for some stupid reason i started tearing. hella gay right. i was just hoping i'd see him more since i'm leaving thursday i don't even know why i'm so sad! i didn't think i'd get this upset but yeah, i really will miss him :(. stupid love! hahah. no, i do love him though. this is my first time that i've ever felt torn about going home. i'm usually always very excited but this time, i'm not as excited as i used to be. i am in the sense of course i miss my family! & few close friends. but he makes me want to stay. its crazy in such a short amount of time i've gotten....attached. its okay though. i love him.
so we were just talking and we realized we can't see each other till sunday (b/c he's working) and for some stupid reason i started tearing. hella gay right. i was just hoping i'd see him more since i'm leaving thursday i don't even know why i'm so sad! i didn't think i'd get this upset but yeah, i really will miss him :(. stupid love! hahah. no, i do love him though. this is my first time that i've ever felt torn about going home. i'm usually always very excited but this time, i'm not as excited as i used to be. i am in the sense of course i miss my family! & few close friends. but he makes me want to stay. its crazy in such a short amount of time i've gotten....attached. its okay though. i love him.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
can you let me know
song was the one to get me goinnng. i'm feeling good though. i went for an hour...intervals of running/walking. had to do intervals, it is going to take a while to get where i used to be. patience. i do have a clearer head though. i went running by the hills, no distractions or noise (aside from my own music) but it was really good. although i still have problems tumbling in my head, i feel a little better about them.
going to get ready for school, easy day ahead.
going to get ready for school, easy day ahead.
running.
breaking bad habbits is hard. no joke.
i wouldn't be here if i had strayed from what was doing me good.
i'm going to try running today. i haven't ran in...so long. & its cold outside!
oh well i'm going to have to start somewhere right?
i feel like starting over.
why hasn't the season hit me yet! its that holiday season but i'm not feeling it. for some reason it still feels like september. it's like i watched the semester slipped through my hands. its a good indication that time is moving fast though, i just feel like i move too slow.
so i'm going to get ready & try running.
i doubt i'll last very long but i've got to start somewhere & this seems like an ok place to start.
i wouldn't be here if i had strayed from what was doing me good.
i'm going to try running today. i haven't ran in...so long. & its cold outside!
oh well i'm going to have to start somewhere right?
i feel like starting over.
why hasn't the season hit me yet! its that holiday season but i'm not feeling it. for some reason it still feels like september. it's like i watched the semester slipped through my hands. its a good indication that time is moving fast though, i just feel like i move too slow.
so i'm going to get ready & try running.
i doubt i'll last very long but i've got to start somewhere & this seems like an ok place to start.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
falling
i'm going to stop trying to resist gravity. it is way too late.
i'm falling
& falling
& falling
& falling
i'm falling
& falling
& falling
& falling
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
i used to rule the world
not really but compared to now! the world is kicking my ass. okay, not really.
no, just when i think about it, my very first semester i think i was somewhat more responsible...in the sense of money, my weight, & school. i was very money conscientious..& now where am i at? an incredulous amount (for a girl who isn't working!) credit card debt. i lost weight my first semester; 10 pounds dropped without thoroughly realizing it until i bought new clothes & went home to japan summer 06...where am i at now? i'm pretty sure i gained most of it back! school i made straight A's...pretty much coz i had no life outside school then. now i'm just making sure i don't get any C's. I've already made two in the course of two semesters.
my dad's upset that i have a 3.2. i mean i'm not estatic about the gpa either but i'm not that upset about it.
i stress enough about too much other shit that i probably shouldn't be stressing about but i do anyway.
i need an outlet. a constant, reliable outlet. aside from writing.
& i need one that doesn't involve contaminating my body any more than it already is.
kickboxing was really good last semester...too bad i don't have time for it anymore.
there's so many things i wish i could have talked to him about but i want to keep it to myself so he doesn't have to deal with that part of me. i don't think anyone should have to. i just feel, bad.
okay, i have to write one of the stupidest, easiest, time consuming papers of my life....about yoga.
ugh. i swear i'm not getting an A in yoga either because of poor attendance thanks to oversleeping my alarm.
its the holidays; i think all i want for christmas is 1)not a broken heart 2)to have no negative inhibitions.
that'd be nice
no, just when i think about it, my very first semester i think i was somewhat more responsible...in the sense of money, my weight, & school. i was very money conscientious..& now where am i at? an incredulous amount (for a girl who isn't working!) credit card debt. i lost weight my first semester; 10 pounds dropped without thoroughly realizing it until i bought new clothes & went home to japan summer 06...where am i at now? i'm pretty sure i gained most of it back! school i made straight A's...pretty much coz i had no life outside school then. now i'm just making sure i don't get any C's. I've already made two in the course of two semesters.
my dad's upset that i have a 3.2. i mean i'm not estatic about the gpa either but i'm not that upset about it.
i stress enough about too much other shit that i probably shouldn't be stressing about but i do anyway.
i need an outlet. a constant, reliable outlet. aside from writing.
& i need one that doesn't involve contaminating my body any more than it already is.
kickboxing was really good last semester...too bad i don't have time for it anymore.
there's so many things i wish i could have talked to him about but i want to keep it to myself so he doesn't have to deal with that part of me. i don't think anyone should have to. i just feel, bad.
okay, i have to write one of the stupidest, easiest, time consuming papers of my life....about yoga.
ugh. i swear i'm not getting an A in yoga either because of poor attendance thanks to oversleeping my alarm.
its the holidays; i think all i want for christmas is 1)not a broken heart 2)to have no negative inhibitions.
that'd be nice
Monday, December 1, 2008
talk about embarrassing.
it is really cold right now.
so the most embarrassing thing happened to me in micro lecture. i fell asleep. & you know how sometimes people make noises in their sleep?
& micro lec. hall is definitely one of the last places i'd have that happen to me...
but for my luck it was the first place!
i don't know how to classify it: a cross between a squeal & the way josh made it sound, lightweight big O. ahahahahaha..
seriously i don't know how that happend. but good thing we're in the back & hopefully no one else heard me besides them. i laughed it off with josh,robyn,&giselle though but seriously still embarrassing. the last thing i remember before i guess i made the sound was roller coasters. high ones.
still, don't know.
i only had 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & i feel like i'm dying. i wanted to finish my report! but i don't think i can. i'll finish tomorrow. i'm going to sleep some and do some studying later on.
man, definitely most embarrassing thing that happend to me in a while.
to make it worst josh told my boyfriend that i said his name! i really don't think i did. i really hope i didn't!
hahaha...stupid.
oh yeah, warriors lost. again. maybe i'm a bad luck spectator! was a really close game though..intense.
okay forreal, outtty.
so the most embarrassing thing happened to me in micro lecture. i fell asleep. & you know how sometimes people make noises in their sleep?
& micro lec. hall is definitely one of the last places i'd have that happen to me...
but for my luck it was the first place!
i don't know how to classify it: a cross between a squeal & the way josh made it sound, lightweight big O. ahahahahaha..
seriously i don't know how that happend. but good thing we're in the back & hopefully no one else heard me besides them. i laughed it off with josh,robyn,&giselle though but seriously still embarrassing. the last thing i remember before i guess i made the sound was roller coasters. high ones.
still, don't know.
i only had 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & i feel like i'm dying. i wanted to finish my report! but i don't think i can. i'll finish tomorrow. i'm going to sleep some and do some studying later on.
man, definitely most embarrassing thing that happend to me in a while.
to make it worst josh told my boyfriend that i said his name! i really don't think i did. i really hope i didn't!
hahaha...stupid.
oh yeah, warriors lost. again. maybe i'm a bad luck spectator! was a really close game though..intense.
okay forreal, outtty.
isleys
"for the love of you" reminds me so cal, from when i was a little girl. reminds me of my dad driving and me sitting shotgun. wind in my face. good times. better days. i think the best days of my life were when i was a little, too young to understand too much and hopefully also the days after college where i'm on my own...living how i want to live. hopefully!
ugh i was supposed to work out today but i didn't get a lot of sleep. i think i slept from 3 to 630am. i'm sluggish. i couldn't sleep last night it was crazy! caffine was all up in my system, but i guess that is my fault. i drank a cup of coffee & i don't know how many cups of tea i had...physically i was exhausted but my mind was going haywire. i layed in bed, closed my eyes, took deep breaths but sleep did not want to claim me; it was frustrating. i was trying to find sleep but my mind wouldn't find any peace at all. it kept thinking about micro: bacillus subtilis, skin diseases, and nervous system diseases. gah...
but i'm about to shower soon and crack down on some more school work so i'm not entirely unproductive. i have a lot of weight to lose though. i was looking at pictures from last summer..man if i could get that size again i'd be happy.
i heard about the walmart employer that got trampled by the shopping mob--that is a very sad thing. the drive for material cost a man his life...that's just too much. great mall was definitely too much! i don't think i'm black friday shopping again. hahaha..i say that.
yeah, gona shower now, & start the hw.
ugh i was supposed to work out today but i didn't get a lot of sleep. i think i slept from 3 to 630am. i'm sluggish. i couldn't sleep last night it was crazy! caffine was all up in my system, but i guess that is my fault. i drank a cup of coffee & i don't know how many cups of tea i had...physically i was exhausted but my mind was going haywire. i layed in bed, closed my eyes, took deep breaths but sleep did not want to claim me; it was frustrating. i was trying to find sleep but my mind wouldn't find any peace at all. it kept thinking about micro: bacillus subtilis, skin diseases, and nervous system diseases. gah...
but i'm about to shower soon and crack down on some more school work so i'm not entirely unproductive. i have a lot of weight to lose though. i was looking at pictures from last summer..man if i could get that size again i'd be happy.
i heard about the walmart employer that got trampled by the shopping mob--that is a very sad thing. the drive for material cost a man his life...that's just too much. great mall was definitely too much! i don't think i'm black friday shopping again. hahaha..i say that.
yeah, gona shower now, & start the hw.
Friday, November 28, 2008
twilight
I just watched Twilight & it was really good. I know there's a lot of criticism on the movie about it not fully capturing the novel. A lot of people tell me I should read the book & I'll see why. Well, I don't want to see why. Is this stupid? I just want to enjoy the fact that I enjoyed this movie & think it is a great story. Keeping myself in the dark. I'd rather have it this way. Simple.
Anyway the movie was really different. Vampire love story, who knew could get to me? This movie totally brought out the sap in me, ridiculous. It's a very cold day & now I'm home feeling all cozied up in bed & all I want to think about is how sweet life would be if love stories were like the movie. Minus the villians though. Edward would do anything to protect Bella. The lines in the movie hella got to me too. Hella sappy & hopeless romantic.
"I don't have the strength to stay away from you." Sounds cheesy but when he said it to her, it was so sweet. Had to be there kinda deal.
He was born in a different time...evidently guys these days are so not like that. It also is just a story. But it makes me wonder if there is ever such thing as a guy being so in love with a girl like Edward was with Bella. This guy was all about her. So they're teenagers & the love between them seemed so early 1900s...does anyone ever fall in love like that anymore? It makes me wonder. It'd be nice. To both equally put all or nothing for each other, no inhibitions, no walls. No games.
Doesn't that seem safe? Shit. It sounds like a dream to me.
But that's all. Just a dream.
I hate how underneathe I'm definitely a hopeless romantic. I think I should get some more sleep before I drown in this sappyness.
Anyway the movie was really different. Vampire love story, who knew could get to me? This movie totally brought out the sap in me, ridiculous. It's a very cold day & now I'm home feeling all cozied up in bed & all I want to think about is how sweet life would be if love stories were like the movie. Minus the villians though. Edward would do anything to protect Bella. The lines in the movie hella got to me too. Hella sappy & hopeless romantic.
"I don't have the strength to stay away from you." Sounds cheesy but when he said it to her, it was so sweet. Had to be there kinda deal.
He was born in a different time...evidently guys these days are so not like that. It also is just a story. But it makes me wonder if there is ever such thing as a guy being so in love with a girl like Edward was with Bella. This guy was all about her. So they're teenagers & the love between them seemed so early 1900s...does anyone ever fall in love like that anymore? It makes me wonder. It'd be nice. To both equally put all or nothing for each other, no inhibitions, no walls. No games.
Doesn't that seem safe? Shit. It sounds like a dream to me.
But that's all. Just a dream.
I hate how underneathe I'm definitely a hopeless romantic. I think I should get some more sleep before I drown in this sappyness.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
seventh floor mlk.
i have this thing with rain if you couldn't already tell.
it's really comforting. i'm at the school library (suppose to be working on my micro unknown bacteria report...which i will..soon) and from the seventh floor surveying san fernando & the buildings outside, i'm pretty comfortable. cold, but comfortable.
i revealed insecurities that half of me was glad to release yet the other half wishes i just kept it covered.
then again i would say anything at 1somethingam.
i feel like being home and watching movies..i don't have any particular thoughts on anything today..
i've been sleeping alot lately & it has been nice. i can't believe theres only a few more weeks of school left. exciting. just 4 more years i think, given that i get accepted into the nursing program next fall. i really hope so..
so thanksgiving is tomorrow. it really doesn't feel like the holidays are coming. maybe it'll hit me after thanksgiving...i usually miss my family around now. i called them today because its thanksgiving in japan...thanksgiving without my family is different. thanksgiving with my relatives is okay, i mean i'm lucky and blessed to be sharing it with family at all but it is just different. my family in japan usually sets christmas stuff up the day after thanksgiving, and the day before thanksgiving is all about preparation. i love the food we usually eat at thanksgiving. my family isn't big on american food...we usually have duck, palabok, mashed potatoes, homemade pandesal...i get a stomachache of homesickness thinking about it. i'm so glad i get to go home for christmas & new years...& let's hope this coming new years i don't get wasted & not enjoy it like last year. hopefully i'll start next year right. i hope it starts out well.
i can't believe 2008 is almost gone. this year was really crazy for me. compared to how my other years went, this year i've made a lot of changes, some for the better & some for the worst.
wow..its dark outside now.
i hope he gets out of his group project soon, i'm kind of hungry.
mmk. i don't know what else to write about so i'm going to start my report now.
it's really comforting. i'm at the school library (suppose to be working on my micro unknown bacteria report...which i will..soon) and from the seventh floor surveying san fernando & the buildings outside, i'm pretty comfortable. cold, but comfortable.
i revealed insecurities that half of me was glad to release yet the other half wishes i just kept it covered.
then again i would say anything at 1somethingam.
i feel like being home and watching movies..i don't have any particular thoughts on anything today..
i've been sleeping alot lately & it has been nice. i can't believe theres only a few more weeks of school left. exciting. just 4 more years i think, given that i get accepted into the nursing program next fall. i really hope so..
so thanksgiving is tomorrow. it really doesn't feel like the holidays are coming. maybe it'll hit me after thanksgiving...i usually miss my family around now. i called them today because its thanksgiving in japan...thanksgiving without my family is different. thanksgiving with my relatives is okay, i mean i'm lucky and blessed to be sharing it with family at all but it is just different. my family in japan usually sets christmas stuff up the day after thanksgiving, and the day before thanksgiving is all about preparation. i love the food we usually eat at thanksgiving. my family isn't big on american food...we usually have duck, palabok, mashed potatoes, homemade pandesal...i get a stomachache of homesickness thinking about it. i'm so glad i get to go home for christmas & new years...& let's hope this coming new years i don't get wasted & not enjoy it like last year. hopefully i'll start next year right. i hope it starts out well.
i can't believe 2008 is almost gone. this year was really crazy for me. compared to how my other years went, this year i've made a lot of changes, some for the better & some for the worst.
wow..its dark outside now.
i hope he gets out of his group project soon, i'm kind of hungry.
mmk. i don't know what else to write about so i'm going to start my report now.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
you found me
currently loving that song by the fray.
today was COLD.
i wish i was born smarter! getting a B in anatomy is so frustrating. getting a B in sociology is too. micro..
i can't help but wish i was born with better brains.
anyway, yeah, it has been bone cold lately. i like it but sometimes i don't.
i'm not making any sense..
just cleaned my room, i don't have to curl for space on my bed tonight :) hahah. pretty bad right. had stuff on my mind and cleaning usually relieves it all. most times..
about to watch some heroes soon, i know i'm a heroes nerd. i miss chuck! i always miss that show now...i guess while i'm in japan i'll be watching it online or something. i'm excited to go home to see my fam & close friends. it's always refreshing to go back.
:)
today was COLD.
i wish i was born smarter! getting a B in anatomy is so frustrating. getting a B in sociology is too. micro..
i can't help but wish i was born with better brains.
anyway, yeah, it has been bone cold lately. i like it but sometimes i don't.
i'm not making any sense..
just cleaned my room, i don't have to curl for space on my bed tonight :) hahah. pretty bad right. had stuff on my mind and cleaning usually relieves it all. most times..
about to watch some heroes soon, i know i'm a heroes nerd. i miss chuck! i always miss that show now...i guess while i'm in japan i'll be watching it online or something. i'm excited to go home to see my fam & close friends. it's always refreshing to go back.
:)
Monday, November 24, 2008
dangerous.
this is insane! in a good way..so i'm going to embrace it the best i can.
i don't see myself trading it for anything in the world, besides dante basco!
kiddingg.
it's gotta be something more if i'm laughing outloud to little things.
& smiling when i hear honey.
& constantly scanning the beam that brightens me up even for a minute.
hearing a favorite song before i sleep & waking up finding my phone on the ground or under my pillow
with the battery on low.
so i watched my first basketball game on friday, almost the entire game (switching to fresno vs sjsu [we lost!]). it was fun! it was new & exciting. i just might become a fan..but it was fun. texting about the game and learning something new...definitely has added heat. the good kind too.
a good friend of mine today said "sounds like a keeper."
worddd.
on three...
"i'm ready to go right noww"
i don't see myself trading it for anything in the world, besides dante basco!
kiddingg.
it's gotta be something more if i'm laughing outloud to little things.
& smiling when i hear honey.
& constantly scanning the beam that brightens me up even for a minute.
hearing a favorite song before i sleep & waking up finding my phone on the ground or under my pillow
with the battery on low.
so i watched my first basketball game on friday, almost the entire game (switching to fresno vs sjsu [we lost!]). it was fun! it was new & exciting. i just might become a fan..but it was fun. texting about the game and learning something new...definitely has added heat. the good kind too.
a good friend of mine today said "sounds like a keeper."
worddd.
on three...
"i'm ready to go right noww"
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
"I always use some milk & cream for you...cause I think you're kinda sweet"
Hahaha. We were laughing about that part of "You Don't Know My Name," Alicia Keys. Good song but I love when she does the talking thing. It's funny but cute!
He says when he heard that song he used to think about me.
gahh..pretty gay right now.
Oh well, better than the shit hole! :)
I was very attentive today in micro it was ridiculous. Maybe what sucked me in was that we were talking about viral skin diseases and the pictures were pretty grotesque. I'm glad I had the chickenpox and that's over and done with!
Things have been rolling nicely needless to say.
Tomorrow is three :).It feels longer though! But I'm glad that things are good, I'm happy for now :)
He does inspire me to be better & its one of the reasons why he's got me spruuung. Haha, just kidding...but not really.
Aside from my own personal drive to do good in school he's my catalyst. When I get tired & complain he tells me to suck it up & reminds me what I'm going to school for. Not to say that when I was single I couldn't get through things by myself, but it is nice and it helps to have someone push you on the side without making you feel completely stupid or alone. He does listen to me & gives me advice.
There are lots of other things but overall he makes me strive to be more.
He says when he heard that song he used to think about me.
gahh..pretty gay right now.
Oh well, better than the shit hole! :)
I was very attentive today in micro it was ridiculous. Maybe what sucked me in was that we were talking about viral skin diseases and the pictures were pretty grotesque. I'm glad I had the chickenpox and that's over and done with!
Things have been rolling nicely needless to say.
Tomorrow is three :).It feels longer though! But I'm glad that things are good, I'm happy for now :)
He does inspire me to be better & its one of the reasons why he's got me spruuung. Haha, just kidding...but not really.
Aside from my own personal drive to do good in school he's my catalyst. When I get tired & complain he tells me to suck it up & reminds me what I'm going to school for. Not to say that when I was single I couldn't get through things by myself, but it is nice and it helps to have someone push you on the side without making you feel completely stupid or alone. He does listen to me & gives me advice.
There are lots of other things but overall he makes me strive to be more.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
short gingersnap latte & tall expresso truffle=<3.
highs & lows are ridiculous...& i understand why things were as they were last night. so half of it was me, but its good.
needless to say i feel better...its okay. i like when we're like how we were tonight.
but i'm still bitter about my parents. i need to pray something deep that i get through to them
because being 20 and being treated like i'm 16 & living in a bubble is definitely stunting my growth.
not to mention, uhm, driving me fucking insane.
i need them to understand that i am my own person & i need to make decisions for myself.
i need to have control on mapping my life.
they need to learn to trust that they raised me right.
they need to stop talking to me about faith and should have some for themselves because if their faith
was stronger they wouldn't be so damn worried about me 24/7.
two years since i've been out of home...adapt. adapt. adapt.
its not easy but once you start you have to keep going. you can't stop and settle and expect me to settle
with this. i need to grow. i need to learn. i need to make mistakes. life is supposed to happen this way, they can't protect me from every possible risk. i need risks.
i call it nemo syndrome.
seriously,
let
me
grow.
okay micro crunch time.
needless to say i feel better...its okay. i like when we're like how we were tonight.
but i'm still bitter about my parents. i need to pray something deep that i get through to them
because being 20 and being treated like i'm 16 & living in a bubble is definitely stunting my growth.
not to mention, uhm, driving me fucking insane.
i need them to understand that i am my own person & i need to make decisions for myself.
i need to have control on mapping my life.
they need to learn to trust that they raised me right.
they need to stop talking to me about faith and should have some for themselves because if their faith
was stronger they wouldn't be so damn worried about me 24/7.
two years since i've been out of home...adapt. adapt. adapt.
its not easy but once you start you have to keep going. you can't stop and settle and expect me to settle
with this. i need to grow. i need to learn. i need to make mistakes. life is supposed to happen this way, they can't protect me from every possible risk. i need risks.
i call it nemo syndrome.
seriously,
let
me
grow.
okay micro crunch time.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Lola.
One of the instances where I miss about being a little girl for is watching my lola bake. When I was little I loved watching my lola's hands as she would knead dough, or cut vegetables, or sew threads of radiant colors to make pictures in which we would later frame. I miss listening to her without any bias because when I was little, listening was all I knew to do. I didn't know about forming opinions. Whatever Lola had said was pretty much word.
I would want to do all the things Lola did. I remember she'd always sing in church, so I would sing too. Whenever she would pray, I would too. When she was in the kitchen I'd wear an apron and eagerly watch knowing someday I could do what she was doing. I'd attempt to help with my clumsy hands and she would delicately scold me for spilling or breaking.
Lola never made me cry. Only when she'd leave.
I'd always cry when her stay with us came to an end.
Yesterday was time for Lola to go back to the Philippines. I know I'm going to see her next year I just don't know when.
Watching her make empanada was nostalgic. It felt the same but very different at the same time. I used to watch her while I was either kneeling on a chair to see what she was doing or standing on a stool. This time I was standing on ground, looking down at the table as she arranged empanadas around the tray. Instead of smiling down at me like she used to, she smiled up. She noticed the clock and told me I should start heading to school so I won't be late or rushing.
I'm 20 years old but saying bye and telling her to have a safe trip stirred the 6 year old girl in me.
I hope it isn't too long before I see her again.
I would want to do all the things Lola did. I remember she'd always sing in church, so I would sing too. Whenever she would pray, I would too. When she was in the kitchen I'd wear an apron and eagerly watch knowing someday I could do what she was doing. I'd attempt to help with my clumsy hands and she would delicately scold me for spilling or breaking.
Lola never made me cry. Only when she'd leave.
I'd always cry when her stay with us came to an end.
Yesterday was time for Lola to go back to the Philippines. I know I'm going to see her next year I just don't know when.
Watching her make empanada was nostalgic. It felt the same but very different at the same time. I used to watch her while I was either kneeling on a chair to see what she was doing or standing on a stool. This time I was standing on ground, looking down at the table as she arranged empanadas around the tray. Instead of smiling down at me like she used to, she smiled up. She noticed the clock and told me I should start heading to school so I won't be late or rushing.
I'm 20 years old but saying bye and telling her to have a safe trip stirred the 6 year old girl in me.
I hope it isn't too long before I see her again.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
do you know what stars are?balls of fire burning up the black space, exploding in the face of God.
Yeah, we ended up going to SF it was pretty coool :)
Spent a lot of time in the Forever 21. I thought I was going to be more excited about it, & I was but I got tired of looking through everything. Plus there was a massive amount of people there. I should have known, it is veteran's day. or maybe it is like that everyday. It wasn't that crazy when I went last year though. My most exciting purchase was the $4.50 bra in my size!! They almost never have my size when I'm out bra shopping so I always have to settle for this other size.
I kinda smell like his car right now.
Anyway, he apologized for not waking up sooner. I said it was okay. Although it would have been cooler if we went sooner because then we would have had more time, but some time is better than no time :)
I'm excited to go back home to Japan. We went to Japan town & it smelt like Japan, it was crazy. I almost wanted to cry but that would have been gay. So I didn't.
Being around the city and its lights at night reminded me so much of home. I miss the city night lights in Yokosuka/Yokohama/Tokyo. See, if I passed nice city lights driving from Hollister I definitely wouldn't mind driving from there at night.
There is one downside of going home, just one. & That's hoping I leave this year in what we are, and hoping I come back to it. I wish I could say I was comfortable and confident enough to know it'll be fine. I know I can take it and I know how to deal but... I don't know. A month isn't even all that long, but I really hope...it works out.
I forgot to take pictures of us...I took pictures of other things hahah.
But it was fun. We listened to old songs on his ipod. I found the song Konstantine by one of my old fave bands, Something Corporate (one of the few things we have in common) and I was suprised. I hardly knew anyone else who had that song, so for him to have it was pretty cool. I liked watching all the lights from the houses and buildings on the hills while we were on 101. Really set my mood straight for the night. Well, so did today. Today pretty much made my week. I felt bad because he was tired but I'm really thankful that he would still take me to SF despite that.
Well I'm going to shower, change, and watch some Heroes :) Then study.
Spent a lot of time in the Forever 21. I thought I was going to be more excited about it, & I was but I got tired of looking through everything. Plus there was a massive amount of people there. I should have known, it is veteran's day. or maybe it is like that everyday. It wasn't that crazy when I went last year though. My most exciting purchase was the $4.50 bra in my size!! They almost never have my size when I'm out bra shopping so I always have to settle for this other size.
I kinda smell like his car right now.
Anyway, he apologized for not waking up sooner. I said it was okay. Although it would have been cooler if we went sooner because then we would have had more time, but some time is better than no time :)
I'm excited to go back home to Japan. We went to Japan town & it smelt like Japan, it was crazy. I almost wanted to cry but that would have been gay. So I didn't.
Being around the city and its lights at night reminded me so much of home. I miss the city night lights in Yokosuka/Yokohama/Tokyo. See, if I passed nice city lights driving from Hollister I definitely wouldn't mind driving from there at night.
There is one downside of going home, just one. & That's hoping I leave this year in what we are, and hoping I come back to it. I wish I could say I was comfortable and confident enough to know it'll be fine. I know I can take it and I know how to deal but... I don't know. A month isn't even all that long, but I really hope...it works out.
I forgot to take pictures of us...I took pictures of other things hahah.
But it was fun. We listened to old songs on his ipod. I found the song Konstantine by one of my old fave bands, Something Corporate (one of the few things we have in common) and I was suprised. I hardly knew anyone else who had that song, so for him to have it was pretty cool. I liked watching all the lights from the houses and buildings on the hills while we were on 101. Really set my mood straight for the night. Well, so did today. Today pretty much made my week. I felt bad because he was tired but I'm really thankful that he would still take me to SF despite that.
Well I'm going to shower, change, and watch some Heroes :) Then study.
I love this weather
The weather out right now is perfect! My kind of perfect for my mood haha. It is cloudy,foggy, and chilly. It's mellow.
I'm supposed to be going to San Francisco today but the guy isn't even awake. We fell asleep on the phone last night & I think his phone died. Why didn't he charge it grrrr..
So it is already 10ish, I don't know when the fck he's going to wake up, but when he does he still has to get ready (an hour he takes forever I don't know why), then drive here, which is another hour, then us drive to SF. I'm restless I want to go now! hahaha. I hope we still go :(
I should go to the gym then. But I feel sore from yesterday. I never used to be this lazy!
It's cloudy but still somewhat bright. White bright.
Okay. I have nothing to write about.
I'm supposed to be going to San Francisco today but the guy isn't even awake. We fell asleep on the phone last night & I think his phone died. Why didn't he charge it grrrr..
So it is already 10ish, I don't know when the fck he's going to wake up, but when he does he still has to get ready (an hour he takes forever I don't know why), then drive here, which is another hour, then us drive to SF. I'm restless I want to go now! hahaha. I hope we still go :(
I should go to the gym then. But I feel sore from yesterday. I never used to be this lazy!
It's cloudy but still somewhat bright. White bright.
Okay. I have nothing to write about.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Jazzy music made my foot fall asleep
I hate when my foot falls asleep!
Reading pass entries, I've been on an emo trip hahah.
Ugh. Whatev
Anyway! Got studying done, but I'll be studying a lot more tomorrow too.
I'm trying to some weight before heading back home.
I really don't like my body, but I'm thankful that everything is healthy & not broken.
Well, most parts are pretty healthy, I'm pretty sure my internal organs are somewhat affected.
I lose, gain, lose, gain. stupid cycle. I need to break it, as in stay with the lose.
Getting ready for sleep.
Oyasuminasai~
Reading pass entries, I've been on an emo trip hahah.
Ugh. Whatev
Anyway! Got studying done, but I'll be studying a lot more tomorrow too.
I'm trying to some weight before heading back home.
I really don't like my body, but I'm thankful that everything is healthy & not broken.
Well, most parts are pretty healthy, I'm pretty sure my internal organs are somewhat affected.
I lose, gain, lose, gain. stupid cycle. I need to break it, as in stay with the lose.
Getting ready for sleep.
Oyasuminasai~
untitled I.
this is like a pendulum swinging me from top to bottom to top again
constant rhythm of irregular motivations
isn't this supposed to be like heaven?
at least for a little more longer?
feel stuck in the middle of nowhere
without a map
no idea about the destination
so how the fuck are we going to find the way if you won't stop
& ask for directions?
two person team but i feel like i'm the only one playing
somedays
you're the mvp
you rack up the points
but honey you're flawed for you lack consistency
so i digress, what's a mvp without the persistance for consistent tendencies?
i try and pick up the slack
& try to convince myself maybe you've just become
handicapped?
but i'm still a fan
understanding maybe you're having a bad day, or two, or three
yet i still hope for the better man
with the better half of me.
constant rhythm of irregular motivations
isn't this supposed to be like heaven?
at least for a little more longer?
feel stuck in the middle of nowhere
without a map
no idea about the destination
so how the fuck are we going to find the way if you won't stop
& ask for directions?
two person team but i feel like i'm the only one playing
somedays
you're the mvp
you rack up the points
but honey you're flawed for you lack consistency
so i digress, what's a mvp without the persistance for consistent tendencies?
i try and pick up the slack
& try to convince myself maybe you've just become
handicapped?
but i'm still a fan
understanding maybe you're having a bad day, or two, or three
yet i still hope for the better man
with the better half of me.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
p.s. definitely feeling
the whole "ever find out someone isn't all as cracked up as they seem to be." or as you made yourself believe them to be.
lattes & frappacinos galore.
just got home from work. it was tiring! we had hella people come in tonight, it was weird. most saturday nights are relatively slow.
i wasn't even excited to see ice doppio expresso + 6 pSFV guy. he was in an upbeat mood though & asked what was going on with me. "just working..." i replied. he told me to take it easy. hahah.
no phone call. sleeping i convince myself to stray disappointment.
okay, slightly, but whatever.
anyway, i felt so out of it at work! oddly enough after all that i'm energized, it must be the green tea i was downing throughout the night.
so i'm going to keep cleaning & maybe study..
oh i watched some chapelle clips from youtube. seriously made my day.
it gave me a whole new perception on sesame street hahahah...ahhh. real funny...
i think i'll watch somemore when i'm done cleaning.
tmrw looks like church. probably finish more laundry. and studying!!!
i refuse to feel stupid come thursday & monday the 17th.
only a month & week of school left then home!!!
i really can't wait to go home.
i wasn't even excited to see ice doppio expresso + 6 pSFV guy. he was in an upbeat mood though & asked what was going on with me. "just working..." i replied. he told me to take it easy. hahah.
no phone call. sleeping i convince myself to stray disappointment.
okay, slightly, but whatever.
anyway, i felt so out of it at work! oddly enough after all that i'm energized, it must be the green tea i was downing throughout the night.
so i'm going to keep cleaning & maybe study..
oh i watched some chapelle clips from youtube. seriously made my day.
it gave me a whole new perception on sesame street hahahah...ahhh. real funny...
i think i'll watch somemore when i'm done cleaning.
tmrw looks like church. probably finish more laundry. and studying!!!
i refuse to feel stupid come thursday & monday the 17th.
only a month & week of school left then home!!!
i really can't wait to go home.
jack shit!
is what I haven't done.
I did buy tampons & I did go see my lola.
Uhm. I just got home & I'm about to start cleaning/laundry.
But I still feel fat. Broke. (Well actually, my lola gave me a hundred bcause she's leaving for P.I. soon...but I'm going to save that if I can) Bloated.
No love today.
hahahahha...I need a good laugh seriously.
Maybe I'll watch Superbad after I clean and before I go to work. I don't know why I bother writing my random stupid thoughts about what I'm going to do or not do ... Hmm.
Okay. Outty
I did buy tampons & I did go see my lola.
Uhm. I just got home & I'm about to start cleaning/laundry.
But I still feel fat. Broke. (Well actually, my lola gave me a hundred bcause she's leaving for P.I. soon...but I'm going to save that if I can) Bloated.
No love today.
hahahahha...I need a good laugh seriously.
Maybe I'll watch Superbad after I clean and before I go to work. I don't know why I bother writing my random stupid thoughts about what I'm going to do or not do ... Hmm.
Okay. Outty
In the Wake of Saturday
Small things do make a difference!
Hm. I have a collective of errands to do today but I'm super lagging.
I hate this feeling. It comes only once a month but it is such a drag.
I have to:
-buy tampons
-money business
-work out
-laundry
-clean bathroom & room
-study some (hah! but i actually just might)
-work from 345 to closing! fun fun fun.
it's already 940. I should get on this.
I like the weather today. I hope it rains. I doubt it will but I still hope it does.
I feel so bloated. Anyway,
Every Saturday I always hope for this one thing...it's happened once! I don't know when it will happen again, but I'm hoping again this Saturday. It'll be the best 30 minutes of my day...
K. Gona eat breakfast then start my day!
Happy Saturday.
Hm. I have a collective of errands to do today but I'm super lagging.
I hate this feeling. It comes only once a month but it is such a drag.
I have to:
-buy tampons
-money business
-work out
-laundry
-clean bathroom & room
-study some (hah! but i actually just might)
-work from 345 to closing! fun fun fun.
it's already 940. I should get on this.
I like the weather today. I hope it rains. I doubt it will but I still hope it does.
I feel so bloated. Anyway,
Every Saturday I always hope for this one thing...it's happened once! I don't know when it will happen again, but I'm hoping again this Saturday. It'll be the best 30 minutes of my day...
K. Gona eat breakfast then start my day!
Happy Saturday.
Friday night
I've noticed that I don't take care of myself like I used to.
I tire myself out to the point where I half ass my personal maintenance. I'm not talking hygene I'm definitely on top of that! But I mean lifestyle wise. I've adapted a nonchalant look on myself physically and emotionally.
I picked up a bad habit & only half of me wants to quit. The only reason is knowing yeah, its detrimental to my health. The other half...doesn't care. If it isn't obvious enough, I have little internal tantrums. From an outside I know I self destruct with low esteem blows and allowing negativity to marinade in my head.
Best friend says I really need to fix that. Best friends knows best. Sometimes. haha.
Know what I miss?
I kinda miss giving things all I have without being scared.
I'm a pansy. It's so shameful.
I also miss the flirtation that comes in the beginning.We're plateauing. Or maybe I feel this way because we both go to school & work & so we're almost always...just...tired. I miss talking on the phone at night till early morning & having him text later on that we really should start sleeping earlier but even after saying that we'd be doing it again the next night. The texting in general. It's a stupid form of communication but sometimes its all you have during the busy-ness. I liked the texts the next day after hanging out saying he had a great time. The sweet lines that I would outwardly laugh at & not want to believe, but deep down would feel special.
I'm acting like such a vagina right now. Slap me.
It's the hormones I swear. Stupid time of the month.
But maybe it'll get better when I'm not working. Breathing room and more study absorption. Slowing down.
So now I kinda just have to push it. Be patient.
I've started working out but I'm going to try and start boot camping it. Hahaha..We'll see how that goes. I'm disappointed on how I let myself go. But I know I can reach what I want to, it's not impossible, I just need to be patient.
Patient.
I also need to learn to love learning again.
I tire myself out to the point where I half ass my personal maintenance. I'm not talking hygene I'm definitely on top of that! But I mean lifestyle wise. I've adapted a nonchalant look on myself physically and emotionally.
I picked up a bad habit & only half of me wants to quit. The only reason is knowing yeah, its detrimental to my health. The other half...doesn't care. If it isn't obvious enough, I have little internal tantrums. From an outside I know I self destruct with low esteem blows and allowing negativity to marinade in my head.
Best friend says I really need to fix that. Best friends knows best. Sometimes. haha.
Know what I miss?
I kinda miss giving things all I have without being scared.
I'm a pansy. It's so shameful.
I also miss the flirtation that comes in the beginning.We're plateauing. Or maybe I feel this way because we both go to school & work & so we're almost always...just...tired. I miss talking on the phone at night till early morning & having him text later on that we really should start sleeping earlier but even after saying that we'd be doing it again the next night. The texting in general. It's a stupid form of communication but sometimes its all you have during the busy-ness. I liked the texts the next day after hanging out saying he had a great time. The sweet lines that I would outwardly laugh at & not want to believe, but deep down would feel special.
I'm acting like such a vagina right now. Slap me.
It's the hormones I swear. Stupid time of the month.
But maybe it'll get better when I'm not working. Breathing room and more study absorption. Slowing down.
So now I kinda just have to push it. Be patient.
I've started working out but I'm going to try and start boot camping it. Hahaha..We'll see how that goes. I'm disappointed on how I let myself go. But I know I can reach what I want to, it's not impossible, I just need to be patient.
Patient.
I also need to learn to love learning again.
Friday, November 7, 2008
new day, move along
"Pathetic" he says.
... sometimes.
Anyway, my best friend fixed all my problems again. Said that this shit I complain about does get old...hahah I really needed to hear that. It's the kind of tough love I need.
Said I should quit my job.
Said if I'm not happy going to school and work then I definitely got to make some changes, because if this keeps reoccuring obviously I'm not living the life I want to. But shouldn't I be wanting to live the life I already have?
Shouldn't I just be thankful and that going to school is a privilege? Should be just enough.
So yeah, I'm...going to quit come december. I need a couple more paychecks to pay the credit card bill that has escalated because of my neglectful self. ahh. oh & I paid for dinner with it too. ... awesome ...
New day. Woke up to the bf, was nice. He hardly ever calls me in the morning so it's always nice when he does. Today was nice because he knew last night I had said I needed to wake up early to start studying...I didn't ask him to call me but he did, so yeah, that was nice.
I have work tonight. Work isn't too bad...but I just need some free weekends before I leave for Japan. Finals. Errands.
Anyway, nihongo o benkyoshimasu. ichijihan ni testo o shimasu. so yeah gotta get on that.
... sometimes.
Anyway, my best friend fixed all my problems again. Said that this shit I complain about does get old...hahah I really needed to hear that. It's the kind of tough love I need.
Said I should quit my job.
Said if I'm not happy going to school and work then I definitely got to make some changes, because if this keeps reoccuring obviously I'm not living the life I want to. But shouldn't I be wanting to live the life I already have?
Shouldn't I just be thankful and that going to school is a privilege? Should be just enough.
So yeah, I'm...going to quit come december. I need a couple more paychecks to pay the credit card bill that has escalated because of my neglectful self. ahh. oh & I paid for dinner with it too. ... awesome ...
New day. Woke up to the bf, was nice. He hardly ever calls me in the morning so it's always nice when he does. Today was nice because he knew last night I had said I needed to wake up early to start studying...I didn't ask him to call me but he did, so yeah, that was nice.
I have work tonight. Work isn't too bad...but I just need some free weekends before I leave for Japan. Finals. Errands.
Anyway, nihongo o benkyoshimasu. ichijihan ni testo o shimasu. so yeah gotta get on that.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
today sucked.
today sucked.
for the most part.
i worked out early this morning only to end up more tired than i was.
i felt like shit. literally. & it was pretty obvious too, it wasn't like i tried to cover it up either. i just didn't give a fuck for some reason. felt pissy.
i had micro lab (i always dread micro lab) & successfully failed to determine whether or not i had a gram negative or gram positive so my teacher had to tell me. i have no idea why i kept getting gram variables but it was extremely irritating.then i went home because my contacts were sucking the life out of my eyes. went back to school. studied some anatomy & realized that i must be stupid to have trouble memorizing everything and hearing echoes in my head of students going "oh anatomy? its so easy!" i mean it is, just understanding where everything is but i'm very visual and mechanical learner. so it bugs me that today was the last day to view all the models and cadavers before next thursday, the exam day. like i'm going to remember it all! i'm such an idiot. then i forgot something at home so i had to drive back home, ended up late for lecture...hella traffic by the way and idiots on the highway need to turn off their motherfucking high beams! ughh.
my eyes were bugging me all day too. and i still felt like shit even if i tried to change, put on some makeup...it was sad. i think the only highlight of my day was dinner with the bf but he didn't have a good day either. we had pho (the downfall of eatting at pho places is that they are so mfcking RUDE?! seriously. go learn some manners before opening up a motherfckn restaurant).then came home to a pair of disappointed aunt & uncle...gahd i want OUT OF HERE SO BAD.
yeah. my day probably isn't that bad compared to kids looking for some clean water and for that i feel worse. i know it's stupid to be drowning in shallow waters but i don't care right now. oh on top of that my phone has been a bitch all day i swear i need a new one pretty bad.
i want to cry but i can't. my eyes are hella dry and itchy & i have no clue why. & i think i'm getting a sty in my right eye too.
i know, i bitch easily.
for the most part.
i worked out early this morning only to end up more tired than i was.
i felt like shit. literally. & it was pretty obvious too, it wasn't like i tried to cover it up either. i just didn't give a fuck for some reason. felt pissy.
i had micro lab (i always dread micro lab) & successfully failed to determine whether or not i had a gram negative or gram positive so my teacher had to tell me. i have no idea why i kept getting gram variables but it was extremely irritating.then i went home because my contacts were sucking the life out of my eyes. went back to school. studied some anatomy & realized that i must be stupid to have trouble memorizing everything and hearing echoes in my head of students going "oh anatomy? its so easy!" i mean it is, just understanding where everything is but i'm very visual and mechanical learner. so it bugs me that today was the last day to view all the models and cadavers before next thursday, the exam day. like i'm going to remember it all! i'm such an idiot. then i forgot something at home so i had to drive back home, ended up late for lecture...hella traffic by the way and idiots on the highway need to turn off their motherfucking high beams! ughh.
my eyes were bugging me all day too. and i still felt like shit even if i tried to change, put on some makeup...it was sad. i think the only highlight of my day was dinner with the bf but he didn't have a good day either. we had pho (the downfall of eatting at pho places is that they are so mfcking RUDE?! seriously. go learn some manners before opening up a motherfckn restaurant).then came home to a pair of disappointed aunt & uncle...gahd i want OUT OF HERE SO BAD.
yeah. my day probably isn't that bad compared to kids looking for some clean water and for that i feel worse. i know it's stupid to be drowning in shallow waters but i don't care right now. oh on top of that my phone has been a bitch all day i swear i need a new one pretty bad.
i want to cry but i can't. my eyes are hella dry and itchy & i have no clue why. & i think i'm getting a sty in my right eye too.
i know, i bitch easily.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
somewhat hopefull yet broken hearted
Although I'm not thoroughly politically inclined, & although I don't understand every cent of how things in America are run, I like to recognize that there could be hope for our country.
I think it's pretty exciting to be living future history.
So America has a lot of problems, & I know that having a new president isn't going to exactly fix everything, but it's a start. There's a start for everything. I already know there will be a lot of disappointments arising because I think America has a tendency to be impatient. (That's why nobody follows the speed limits, the stress on fast goods & fast foods..etc.) From observation, America seems to want the quick fix. But what a lot of people should understand is that change can't happen overnight & possibly not even in one term. I don't think we'll ever reach a perfect time. I don't think we'll ever have a perfect stable economy, perfect health care benefits...perfect anything. I may be naive, my views may be entirely superficial, but my main point is that although we might not see a big change, I believe & like to hope that small changes will happen. Although it takes more than just the president to make things happen, & the people need to believe and be ready to change things, we should recognize the potential.
I don't know, I just like to find the good in situations.
Benefit of the doubt.
I'm happy Obama won. I know some people assume that our economy is doomed for deeper feet in the shithole but he has yet to try to make things happen. Even if they're not big and obvious, there's a starting point for everything right? We can't expect too much from one man in such short time. I'm not underestimating, I'm just trying not to get my hopes too high.
I'm pretty broken hearted on Prop 8 being passed. It antagonizes me. It's a small part of me that stirs shame for being a catholic. Being part of a church who's flawed in that it condemns,ridicules, and judges people's sexual orientation, let alone a church that incorporates politics as part of our religious upbringing...it really does confuse me. I like to keep it simple. I like to live by the basics, the mains being:
1) "Love one another as I have loved you"
2) No one can judge but God himself.
It confuses me, how can people that claim to be super religious not live by two simple principles that are part of the foundation for even being christian. I know there's more to being a christian that just those two, but to me, those two seem pretty prevalent. In my life at least. I could write on and on how disappointed & ashamed I feel...but I'm tired.
I'm excited. Big, small, or even no change...we've made one significant part of American history & recognizing that just for now is fine with me.
Take it a day at a time.
I think it's pretty exciting to be living future history.
So America has a lot of problems, & I know that having a new president isn't going to exactly fix everything, but it's a start. There's a start for everything. I already know there will be a lot of disappointments arising because I think America has a tendency to be impatient. (That's why nobody follows the speed limits, the stress on fast goods & fast foods..etc.) From observation, America seems to want the quick fix. But what a lot of people should understand is that change can't happen overnight & possibly not even in one term. I don't think we'll ever reach a perfect time. I don't think we'll ever have a perfect stable economy, perfect health care benefits...perfect anything. I may be naive, my views may be entirely superficial, but my main point is that although we might not see a big change, I believe & like to hope that small changes will happen. Although it takes more than just the president to make things happen, & the people need to believe and be ready to change things, we should recognize the potential.
I don't know, I just like to find the good in situations.
Benefit of the doubt.
I'm happy Obama won. I know some people assume that our economy is doomed for deeper feet in the shithole but he has yet to try to make things happen. Even if they're not big and obvious, there's a starting point for everything right? We can't expect too much from one man in such short time. I'm not underestimating, I'm just trying not to get my hopes too high.
I'm pretty broken hearted on Prop 8 being passed. It antagonizes me. It's a small part of me that stirs shame for being a catholic. Being part of a church who's flawed in that it condemns,ridicules, and judges people's sexual orientation, let alone a church that incorporates politics as part of our religious upbringing...it really does confuse me. I like to keep it simple. I like to live by the basics, the mains being:
1) "Love one another as I have loved you"
2) No one can judge but God himself.
It confuses me, how can people that claim to be super religious not live by two simple principles that are part of the foundation for even being christian. I know there's more to being a christian that just those two, but to me, those two seem pretty prevalent. In my life at least. I could write on and on how disappointed & ashamed I feel...but I'm tired.
I'm excited. Big, small, or even no change...we've made one significant part of American history & recognizing that just for now is fine with me.
Take it a day at a time.
Monday, November 3, 2008
all at once
sigh.
piles of unsorted clothes
bank receipts
bills
that have gone almost unaccounted for
overdue
a neglected dog so undeserving of a neglectful mother
red
once a passion now burns
rushing for more, more, more.
wanting to surround herself in colors more mellow
like ice blue or mint green, something less intense
a little more serene.
wanting the calm of the center of a storm.
tests for grades
trying to make the grade for tests
always coming up short
is the size of a coffee fix that she wishes would fix all this.
or tea for caffiene anything to keep going and not stopping because
i'm already behind.
numb.
dissheveled and lost
under the spell and slave to
time.
needing to want help but they say
God helps those who help themselves.
what really bugs me is all this stuff that bothers me is small. it's not all that big of a deal. but an accumulation of little things really does set me off or gets me down. i miss just spilling all this in one place, someplace safe.
all my flaws seem so hopelessly permanent.
i don't think anyone upsets me more than myself.
i don't know why i'm so cranky.
i have a quiz tomorrow that I probably should start studying for.
i wish i was blessed with a better brain.
i think i have a good heart though, but that hasn't shown me to get me anywhere.
stupid micro, i care not for the unknown bacteria i've yet to discover. i should. but i don't.
ahhhh. i need some kind of fix.
piles of unsorted clothes
bank receipts
bills
that have gone almost unaccounted for
overdue
a neglected dog so undeserving of a neglectful mother
red
once a passion now burns
rushing for more, more, more.
wanting to surround herself in colors more mellow
like ice blue or mint green, something less intense
a little more serene.
wanting the calm of the center of a storm.
tests for grades
trying to make the grade for tests
always coming up short
is the size of a coffee fix that she wishes would fix all this.
or tea for caffiene anything to keep going and not stopping because
i'm already behind.
numb.
dissheveled and lost
under the spell and slave to
time.
needing to want help but they say
God helps those who help themselves.
what really bugs me is all this stuff that bothers me is small. it's not all that big of a deal. but an accumulation of little things really does set me off or gets me down. i miss just spilling all this in one place, someplace safe.
all my flaws seem so hopelessly permanent.
i don't think anyone upsets me more than myself.
i don't know why i'm so cranky.
i have a quiz tomorrow that I probably should start studying for.
i wish i was blessed with a better brain.
i think i have a good heart though, but that hasn't shown me to get me anywhere.
stupid micro, i care not for the unknown bacteria i've yet to discover. i should. but i don't.
ahhhh. i need some kind of fix.
got what I asked for
So I got out of sociology & it was raining crazy! It was cool at first...then I started to get drenched & that's not all that fun when I was still going to be at school for another 4 hours. But it wasn't too bad. I warmed up some at peets.
But overall, the rain was good :) Was nice :)
Played billiards/pool...I don't like things I'm not good at hahah. I looked stupid because I didn't really know what I was doing.
Why do I get so self-conscious?
I shouldn't. Especially with you know.
Dumb dumb dumb d d dumb dumb.
Alright. Showertime!
But overall, the rain was good :) Was nice :)
Played billiards/pool...I don't like things I'm not good at hahah. I looked stupid because I didn't really know what I was doing.
Why do I get so self-conscious?
I shouldn't. Especially with you know.
Dumb dumb dumb d d dumb dumb.
Alright. Showertime!
Tease!
the weather is giant fat tease right now. cloudy skies...i want them to let loose.
i just want torrential rain. please? saturday was so perfect.
oh yeah i saw iced doppio expresso in a grande cup + 6 pump SFV, ice first shots last, guy last night at work.
sadly my girls at work think he's an asshole. maybe i'm biased coz i think he's cute. ha ha.
i think we just read people different. oh well.
i have to save money for the next two weeks until my paycheck.
i suck with money.
anyway.
i like the cold. but i just need some rain to top it off.
oh yeah i have to speak in japanese in front of my class today about what i did this weekend. :
kinyoubi ni kare to deito ni ikimashita. shichiji ni resutoran de bangohan o tabemashita. sorekara, kuji ni eiga o mimashita.
douyoubi ni niji ni kissaten de arebaito o shimashita. arebaito o hatchiji kan shimashita. juichiji ni uchi ni kaerimashita.
nichiyoubi ni otera ni ikimashita. honya mo ikimashita. hon o kaimashita. goji ni kissaten de arebaito o shimashita. takusan ocha o nomimashita. uchi de nihongo o benkyoushimashita.
i hope that's all right! hahaha. it's cool, today i think the irritating guy will make my day. sounds mean but i think at least i know i can't be that bad. okay really mean i know!! but seriously.
hahah.
i just want torrential rain. please? saturday was so perfect.
oh yeah i saw iced doppio expresso in a grande cup + 6 pump SFV, ice first shots last, guy last night at work.
sadly my girls at work think he's an asshole. maybe i'm biased coz i think he's cute. ha ha.
i think we just read people different. oh well.
i have to save money for the next two weeks until my paycheck.
i suck with money.
anyway.
i like the cold. but i just need some rain to top it off.
oh yeah i have to speak in japanese in front of my class today about what i did this weekend. :
kinyoubi ni kare to deito ni ikimashita. shichiji ni resutoran de bangohan o tabemashita. sorekara, kuji ni eiga o mimashita.
douyoubi ni niji ni kissaten de arebaito o shimashita. arebaito o hatchiji kan shimashita. juichiji ni uchi ni kaerimashita.
nichiyoubi ni otera ni ikimashita. honya mo ikimashita. hon o kaimashita. goji ni kissaten de arebaito o shimashita. takusan ocha o nomimashita. uchi de nihongo o benkyoushimashita.
i hope that's all right! hahaha. it's cool, today i think the irritating guy will make my day. sounds mean but i think at least i know i can't be that bad. okay really mean i know!! but seriously.
hahah.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
all good
No bitchassness this post haha for once.
Just going to write about the good things that have happened.
Nothing special, its just little things.
Like the rain yesterday. I hope it rains again today...I kinda missed it from summer in Japan.
It was crazy busy at work yesterday but it was awesome because the rushes were giving me a ...rush. some sort of high. It was awesome.
I also saw some a few regulars whom I hardly see anymore since I only work Friday & Saturday. It was good seeing them...it really was. One of them is this really nice guy. He'll probably be the only exception of my previously written statement about all guys being assholes. That is probably because I don't know him too well, but I'd like to not. This is probably going to be the dumbest metaphor, but, you know when you see a painting of a really eye capturing photograph and it just makes you happy to see it, but if you study it closely you see the imperfections and you realize its not as perfect as you thought it initially was...it's like that. I mean he's not your conventional eye candy type, but demeanor wise, very cool. Like iced double expresso in a grande cup with SFV, ice first then shots or a short coffee guy. Hahaha. It's all in plain fun, nothing serious don't worry. Look don't touch!
I went to church this morning. It was nice. I like going Sunday mornings as opposed to Saturday at 5pm. I like going in the morning because its the first place I go, so I'm all fresh. I don't have any other thoughts to think about and I'm not too tired. I go by myself but I kinda like company somtimes. My family here goes Saturday 5pm.
I cleaned the inside of my car. That's definitely a good thing. I won't bother with the exterior just yet because...it might rain. I hope so!
I got an i love you last night.
My room smells good.
My stomach feels just a little more tighter, as always, still trying to lose weight. The endless battle.
Oh Ella Fitzgerald sings feel good music too. I finally got to match a name with the songs that I hear at work and what I heard back in Japan at home. She's a classy jazzy genre. Oldie but goooody.
I'm having a decent Sunday :)
Just going to write about the good things that have happened.
Nothing special, its just little things.
Like the rain yesterday. I hope it rains again today...I kinda missed it from summer in Japan.
It was crazy busy at work yesterday but it was awesome because the rushes were giving me a ...rush. some sort of high. It was awesome.
I also saw some a few regulars whom I hardly see anymore since I only work Friday & Saturday. It was good seeing them...it really was. One of them is this really nice guy. He'll probably be the only exception of my previously written statement about all guys being assholes. That is probably because I don't know him too well, but I'd like to not. This is probably going to be the dumbest metaphor, but, you know when you see a painting of a really eye capturing photograph and it just makes you happy to see it, but if you study it closely you see the imperfections and you realize its not as perfect as you thought it initially was...it's like that. I mean he's not your conventional eye candy type, but demeanor wise, very cool. Like iced double expresso in a grande cup with SFV, ice first then shots or a short coffee guy. Hahaha. It's all in plain fun, nothing serious don't worry. Look don't touch!
I went to church this morning. It was nice. I like going Sunday mornings as opposed to Saturday at 5pm. I like going in the morning because its the first place I go, so I'm all fresh. I don't have any other thoughts to think about and I'm not too tired. I go by myself but I kinda like company somtimes. My family here goes Saturday 5pm.
I cleaned the inside of my car. That's definitely a good thing. I won't bother with the exterior just yet because...it might rain. I hope so!
I got an i love you last night.
My room smells good.
My stomach feels just a little more tighter, as always, still trying to lose weight. The endless battle.
Oh Ella Fitzgerald sings feel good music too. I finally got to match a name with the songs that I hear at work and what I heard back in Japan at home. She's a classy jazzy genre. Oldie but goooody.
I'm having a decent Sunday :)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Halloween?
I get irritated sometimes in my Japanese class. There's this guy who never tries. He hardly pays attention & I just want to tell him to get out of there. He doesn't bother doing the assignments or try to learn and understand...uhmm...if you're going to take a language class you can't do nothing & expect to learn it. Its already a little more than half the semester...I was sitting there pretty agitated.
Ignorance is bliss for certain occasions, other times it is down right annoying.
I don't know maybe I was just having a bad trip this time.
Just got back from watching Pride & Glory with the bfriend. It was a good story but I wasn't partial to the ending.
For lack of better diction, it kinda blowed.
But good company & that's more than what I can ask for.
It didn't really feel like halloween today. I was just a spectator to the celebrators. I haven't been the spectator for this holiday in a while, I can't remember the last time I didn't do anything for halloween...since sophomore year tennis far east...i think we watched mystic river as a team...no we didn't. We watched Wrong Turn or something...the cannibal movie.
I need to start looking for tickets to Japan. We're not going to be funded by the government this trip back so my parents have to pay.
On top of them potentially getting us an apartment.
On top of them possibly getting us macbooks...
Ugh. I don't want a macbook anymore thinking about it. I feel terrible.
I honestly now understand the term "military brat." At least I think I do. If the intended definition of a military brat embodies the idea of being spoiled...
I never liked to be regarded as spoiled because I want to know that I've somehow earned what I have. That I have a right to have I have.
But not living within the confinements and regulations of a military base has really opened my eyes.
Living on an American base back in Japan is only a miniscule fraction of what life in the states is like.
I don't know if it's the environment or if it was the childhood-adolescence or even the combination of both, that compared to being a young adult in America, was a lot easier.
Or maybe it was my upbringing.
I never had to work to survive. Still don't. My parents do pay for pretty much everything, aside from my personal goods/gas/food. But they pay for car/insurance/books.
I don't even have to work. I could quit if I wanted to. Well, everyone's telling me to quit since I don't appear to handle the pressure. & It's true, I'm handling it but in the bitchyass way possible.
One of my flaws is I tend to complain...even when it is my fault. It's idiotic really.
My best friend told me if this is what I want, I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't show that I'm struggling.
18 credits & 12-16 hours tops of work a week=nothing to a lot of people.
Why do I always find myself measuring to other people's standards?
I measure myself under my parents, relatives, of course friends & yes, occassionally the sig.other. It's a natural thing.
Why can't I make myself see that other peoples opinions shouldn't matter to what I want for myself.
I put other peoples expectations for me above from what I expect from myself. I think maybe that could be why I always feel inadequate. I can't remember the last time I felt good to be who I am on my own terms. I mold myself to different influences. Unless my parents/relatives/friends said something good. But even then I tend to want to deny any form of compliments because I have a problem believing it.
I envy those who have strong & bold personalities. The kind that go after what they want. Aren't passive agressive. Who don't let shit slide if they are displeased. Who are never the door mat. I wish I had a little of what they have.
Whatever strength I have inside of me, is buried deep & only surfaces under deep pain or anger. "Beast mode," as my best friend says.
Anyway, I'm going to eat a kit kat in celebration for halloween haha.
jyaa ne.
Ignorance is bliss for certain occasions, other times it is down right annoying.
I don't know maybe I was just having a bad trip this time.
Just got back from watching Pride & Glory with the bfriend. It was a good story but I wasn't partial to the ending.
For lack of better diction, it kinda blowed.
But good company & that's more than what I can ask for.
It didn't really feel like halloween today. I was just a spectator to the celebrators. I haven't been the spectator for this holiday in a while, I can't remember the last time I didn't do anything for halloween...since sophomore year tennis far east...i think we watched mystic river as a team...no we didn't. We watched Wrong Turn or something...the cannibal movie.
I need to start looking for tickets to Japan. We're not going to be funded by the government this trip back so my parents have to pay.
On top of them potentially getting us an apartment.
On top of them possibly getting us macbooks...
Ugh. I don't want a macbook anymore thinking about it. I feel terrible.
I honestly now understand the term "military brat." At least I think I do. If the intended definition of a military brat embodies the idea of being spoiled...
I never liked to be regarded as spoiled because I want to know that I've somehow earned what I have. That I have a right to have I have.
But not living within the confinements and regulations of a military base has really opened my eyes.
Living on an American base back in Japan is only a miniscule fraction of what life in the states is like.
I don't know if it's the environment or if it was the childhood-adolescence or even the combination of both, that compared to being a young adult in America, was a lot easier.
Or maybe it was my upbringing.
I never had to work to survive. Still don't. My parents do pay for pretty much everything, aside from my personal goods/gas/food. But they pay for car/insurance/books.
I don't even have to work. I could quit if I wanted to. Well, everyone's telling me to quit since I don't appear to handle the pressure. & It's true, I'm handling it but in the bitchyass way possible.
One of my flaws is I tend to complain...even when it is my fault. It's idiotic really.
My best friend told me if this is what I want, I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't show that I'm struggling.
18 credits & 12-16 hours tops of work a week=nothing to a lot of people.
Why do I always find myself measuring to other people's standards?
I measure myself under my parents, relatives, of course friends & yes, occassionally the sig.other. It's a natural thing.
Why can't I make myself see that other peoples opinions shouldn't matter to what I want for myself.
I put other peoples expectations for me above from what I expect from myself. I think maybe that could be why I always feel inadequate. I can't remember the last time I felt good to be who I am on my own terms. I mold myself to different influences. Unless my parents/relatives/friends said something good. But even then I tend to want to deny any form of compliments because I have a problem believing it.
I envy those who have strong & bold personalities. The kind that go after what they want. Aren't passive agressive. Who don't let shit slide if they are displeased. Who are never the door mat. I wish I had a little of what they have.
Whatever strength I have inside of me, is buried deep & only surfaces under deep pain or anger. "Beast mode," as my best friend says.
Anyway, I'm going to eat a kit kat in celebration for halloween haha.
jyaa ne.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Another Thursday Night
This is awesome: Izzy & Alex are legit.
I know I may come off like a socially detached person to be so involved with the characters of my favoritest show Grey's Anatomy, but I can't help it. I'm sorry. It's way moving than all the romantic comedies combined.
I guess that's how relative I feel to it.
I'm a sucker for sensitivity. Really.
But now I'm in a conflict.
Naturally, I am a very caring person. But being that girl got me into so much heartache I can't go back.
So I forced her to grow. I forced her to develop walls, to develop boundaries. It's hard to let her fall.
Watch herself.
Sometimes I really do wish I could just let go of all inhibitions. But I'm not trying to be that crazy. Although I guess I already have...But really, I just want to feel safe. & sometimes, it's just hard. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I'm scared to be that vulnerable again.
At the same time, the one person who could hurt me the most...can't.
So I'm not in the position to be ultimately screwed.
I can't wait to finish school. Really.
Halloween's tomorrow...reminds me of last year. Last year Halloween was great, at least for me.
I had fun. It was chill. Favorite company.
How time really does change things.
Somethings I wish never changed.
But that's the beauty of life right, change?
I miss kicking back & watching movies almost all night long. I'm really a homebody, I can't help it.
I'm good at hanging out by myself too. Lame right. But I miss company. But we all got our own to take care of these days.
Like bills.
Ugh.
My room never stays clean for more than two days either so I should get on that.
I also miss falling asleep on the phone & waking up the next morning to missed calls.
Stupid phone.
I know I may come off like a socially detached person to be so involved with the characters of my favoritest show Grey's Anatomy, but I can't help it. I'm sorry. It's way moving than all the romantic comedies combined.
I guess that's how relative I feel to it.
I'm a sucker for sensitivity. Really.
But now I'm in a conflict.
Naturally, I am a very caring person. But being that girl got me into so much heartache I can't go back.
So I forced her to grow. I forced her to develop walls, to develop boundaries. It's hard to let her fall.
Watch herself.
Sometimes I really do wish I could just let go of all inhibitions. But I'm not trying to be that crazy. Although I guess I already have...But really, I just want to feel safe. & sometimes, it's just hard. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I'm scared to be that vulnerable again.
At the same time, the one person who could hurt me the most...can't.
So I'm not in the position to be ultimately screwed.
I can't wait to finish school. Really.
Halloween's tomorrow...reminds me of last year. Last year Halloween was great, at least for me.
I had fun. It was chill. Favorite company.
How time really does change things.
Somethings I wish never changed.
But that's the beauty of life right, change?
I miss kicking back & watching movies almost all night long. I'm really a homebody, I can't help it.
I'm good at hanging out by myself too. Lame right. But I miss company. But we all got our own to take care of these days.
Like bills.
Ugh.
My room never stays clean for more than two days either so I should get on that.
I also miss falling asleep on the phone & waking up the next morning to missed calls.
Stupid phone.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
what counts
We finished Hotel Rwanda today in sociology. I really wanted to cry at some parts. So moving.
I realized how blessed and spoiled my life is compared...it humbles you out, really. I mean, here I am worrying over my stupid grades, my stupid selfish motives and how much I think my life sucks...when there are people in the world just worrying about surviving, escaping death, finding means of food, and/or looking for family. It does suck that such unfortunate situations exist and it makes you wish that they didn't have to suffer like that. Makes you wish you could make a difference...but I've come to realize that I don't think there will be a day when there will be total peace on earth. There will always be people suffering somewhere. But maybe it is the effort that counts. When I was younger I used to really believe that I would be a doctor, travel, & help all the poor people in the world. That I could be like that. Then on top of helping people I would open up an orphanage somewhere in my parents' hometowns in the Philippines and put all the homeless kids in it and find a way to take care of them. In this dream of mine I'm not married either. I never thought about marrying someone until later in high school when I realized how this dream of mine is far out of reach and lacks tangibility. Not to sound hopeless, just thinking on the real.
Now I'm just struggling to be a nurse.
Not even, still struggling just to get into the program.
On that note I hate that my decision in pursuing a career in nursing has consequently put me in the "filipina nursing" stereotype. I kinda hate the degrading tones when I tell people my major.
"So what's your major?" anybody who asks asks with genuine intent.
"Oh, yeah I'm a pre-nursing major at Sjsu."
"Oh really? Yeah the filipino thing huh? Well at least there's good money in that"
ugh.
Okay this usually kind of offends me. First they're almost implying I lack originality. As if I don't have a mind of my own ,have no direction in life and only chose to do nursing because I can't find anything else I want to do. & Let's not forget "theres good money."
Seriously?
What about the option that I want to help people? The money is a bonus yeah, especially if I plan on living here in California. But I do like helping people even if they occasionally get on my nerves. I miss volunteering.
My most memorable moment was senior year when we went to feed the homeless in Tokyo. That was extremely rewarding. No other feeling could have made me feel better. Even if I couldn't save them from the streets, making a difference, even if it was a meal, it really did make me feel good. Seeing they're satisfaction was my source of gratification.
Living in America is almost a privilege. We do have a lot here that we seem to take for granted. It's a shame that there are people who are just trying to get by in other parts of the world, and here we are wanting big shot things that we really don't need. I am being hypocritical because I do have shallow wants and submiss to them time to time...I'm just saying. I do feel bad when I think about it, but we also live in a total complete environment. It's just thinking about these things I've realized, centers me in a way. Keeps me in check. It's natural for people to want more than what they have, but right now I've realized I should just be thankful.
I did have an offbeat day, but after writing this makes me realize that I shouldn't be so upset about little things.
I hope someday I make a difference, even if its just a little.
I realized how blessed and spoiled my life is compared...it humbles you out, really. I mean, here I am worrying over my stupid grades, my stupid selfish motives and how much I think my life sucks...when there are people in the world just worrying about surviving, escaping death, finding means of food, and/or looking for family. It does suck that such unfortunate situations exist and it makes you wish that they didn't have to suffer like that. Makes you wish you could make a difference...but I've come to realize that I don't think there will be a day when there will be total peace on earth. There will always be people suffering somewhere. But maybe it is the effort that counts. When I was younger I used to really believe that I would be a doctor, travel, & help all the poor people in the world. That I could be like that. Then on top of helping people I would open up an orphanage somewhere in my parents' hometowns in the Philippines and put all the homeless kids in it and find a way to take care of them. In this dream of mine I'm not married either. I never thought about marrying someone until later in high school when I realized how this dream of mine is far out of reach and lacks tangibility. Not to sound hopeless, just thinking on the real.
Now I'm just struggling to be a nurse.
Not even, still struggling just to get into the program.
On that note I hate that my decision in pursuing a career in nursing has consequently put me in the "filipina nursing" stereotype. I kinda hate the degrading tones when I tell people my major.
"So what's your major?" anybody who asks asks with genuine intent.
"Oh, yeah I'm a pre-nursing major at Sjsu."
"Oh really? Yeah the filipino thing huh? Well at least there's good money in that"
ugh.
Okay this usually kind of offends me. First they're almost implying I lack originality. As if I don't have a mind of my own ,have no direction in life and only chose to do nursing because I can't find anything else I want to do. & Let's not forget "theres good money."
Seriously?
What about the option that I want to help people? The money is a bonus yeah, especially if I plan on living here in California. But I do like helping people even if they occasionally get on my nerves. I miss volunteering.
My most memorable moment was senior year when we went to feed the homeless in Tokyo. That was extremely rewarding. No other feeling could have made me feel better. Even if I couldn't save them from the streets, making a difference, even if it was a meal, it really did make me feel good. Seeing they're satisfaction was my source of gratification.
Living in America is almost a privilege. We do have a lot here that we seem to take for granted. It's a shame that there are people who are just trying to get by in other parts of the world, and here we are wanting big shot things that we really don't need. I am being hypocritical because I do have shallow wants and submiss to them time to time...I'm just saying. I do feel bad when I think about it, but we also live in a total complete environment. It's just thinking about these things I've realized, centers me in a way. Keeps me in check. It's natural for people to want more than what they have, but right now I've realized I should just be thankful.
I did have an offbeat day, but after writing this makes me realize that I shouldn't be so upset about little things.
I hope someday I make a difference, even if its just a little.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
wake up
ugh. i never feel like i get enough sleep.
last semester i was able to work out almost everyday & be fine.
i'll be happy now if i get to work out like 3 times a week...
i don't like this at all.
last semester i was able to work out almost everyday & be fine.
i'll be happy now if i get to work out like 3 times a week...
i don't like this at all.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Foolish.
I need inspiration to write about sometime else, because writing about this dumb pathetic heart of mine does get old.
For the record, straight up, I've come to realize I really do wear my heart on my sleeve.
Duh lexi.
I realize I do tend to get needy. I honestly can't say that while single there wasn't exactly a definite time where I was not "talking," or "seeing" anyone. I really should have had a more guarded self. I mean, I was in the sense that I couldn't find myself to commit, then out of the middle of nowhere...here I am...in one. & I totally made it too easy.
When you get used to patterns, you build expectations. You start to care just a little more than you should..you build expectations. You let yourself believe that this time will be different ... in the end, it's all the same.
I know it is not always "rainbows & butterflies but compromise that moves us along."
I was ringing up a couple earlier tonight & they looked so comfortable and happy. The girl was all over him but not in the nasty PDA way. She was just hugging him and she was totally beaming. He must've been at work all day or something, he was still dressed like it, and cause she was acting like she didn't see him all day. Or who knows, she just seemed so happy to be with him. It really made me think about everything.
I got a phone call from someone I used to be really close too. Turned out he just needed directions, but nonetheless it was good to hear from him. Even if things just...yeah who knows...but, I do miss the friendship. I'll always care in that sense at the least. It seems like the only time I ever hear from him now is if he needs something. I guess it's going to be like that now.
Yeah, watching Grey's earlier & a part of it got to me.
So theres Alex & Izzy. Alex always acts like a total asshole to Izzy and yet she's still always there caring for him. She finally went up to him this episode and said "I'll always care for you. Even if you act like a complete asshole I know deep down you do care about me.[then stuff I can't remmeber] and she was all up in face going "I care about you.I care about you. I care about you." & He kept telling her to get out of his room, but she kept saying it anyway and he shut up, he finally gave in & they kissed. Hah, yeah only on t.v. huh. But it was cute. Gives you hope that deep down in all the assholes out there, they actually do possess a blood pumping organ. Maybe, right?
Ultimately, I kind of feel like a fool.
I always seem to feel like I'm the only one who cares...but maybe its just the difference in design between males & females.
Or I could just be overanalyzing---that is a bad habbit.
I hope everything works out.
My Flame-Bobby Caldwell
I'm not fond of rollercoasters. They're kinda scary. But given the push, I just might.
The last time I road one was last year in so-cal. But after riding it, I felt a rush and I wanted to ride again.
But I realized you can only ride one rollercoaster so many times before it doesn't thrill you anymore.
It just makes you sick.
But today, I woke up to a suprise.
& Suprises are nice :).
The last time I road one was last year in so-cal. But after riding it, I felt a rush and I wanted to ride again.
But I realized you can only ride one rollercoaster so many times before it doesn't thrill you anymore.
It just makes you sick.
But today, I woke up to a suprise.
& Suprises are nice :).
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
impulse=fun.
after consecutive crappy days, the later part of today was a fresh breathe of air.
another fun date with flo..we went to santa cruz :)
for real talk, we always have some pretty fun dates. this was on total impulse...the best kinds right?
downtown santa cruz is very cute. light weight & more chill santana row-like.
anyway, it was fun. relaxing from the stress earlier this week...an unbeatable remedy.
so tonight i get to sleep on a dry pillow and a smile.
okay i've never fallen asleep smiling but ya get.
oyasuminasai~
another fun date with flo..we went to santa cruz :)
for real talk, we always have some pretty fun dates. this was on total impulse...the best kinds right?
downtown santa cruz is very cute. light weight & more chill santana row-like.
anyway, it was fun. relaxing from the stress earlier this week...an unbeatable remedy.
so tonight i get to sleep on a dry pillow and a smile.
okay i've never fallen asleep smiling but ya get.
oyasuminasai~
...
if you can't say you love me everyday you can't love me.
not entirely.?
i'm completely comfortable in your fighter ways to make me spill what i keep
inside
i hold back from fussing with you and fuss within
myself only to have you break me and spill
all this is so unfair to have you clean up my mess
from the floor on up and have you take me to where i belong.
i want my best friend of best friends.
but i'm the only one who knows who you are.
not entirely.?
i'm completely comfortable in your fighter ways to make me spill what i keep
inside
i hold back from fussing with you and fuss within
myself only to have you break me and spill
all this is so unfair to have you clean up my mess
from the floor on up and have you take me to where i belong.
i want my best friend of best friends.
but i'm the only one who knows who you are.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
lost
have you ever been in company but have never felt so alone?
exactly.
it kinda hurts.
especially when you have no idea what the hell is going on.
then you start to wonder if its just you, and your tired and your overanalyzing...which you kinda hope..
for our smoke lingered and tangled more than we
swirling in connection
floating to a high where i would rather be.
i'm lost in it's design--craving effortless chemistry
taking in toxins
taking in ambiguity
inhaling to exhale a means of
having you see me.
yeah its does kill me. every part of it.
i'm so lost i don't know where to start.
or maybe i'm just tired. so maybe i'll sleep it off.
exactly.
it kinda hurts.
especially when you have no idea what the hell is going on.
then you start to wonder if its just you, and your tired and your overanalyzing...which you kinda hope..
for our smoke lingered and tangled more than we
swirling in connection
floating to a high where i would rather be.
i'm lost in it's design--craving effortless chemistry
taking in toxins
taking in ambiguity
inhaling to exhale a means of
having you see me.
yeah its does kill me. every part of it.
i'm so lost i don't know where to start.
or maybe i'm just tired. so maybe i'll sleep it off.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
nothing even matters-lauryn hill feat. d'angelo
to feel that in love that nothing even matters anymore...sounds like a fun idea.
sweet, extremely.
i really should be studying for my micro exam tomorrow! hahah.
today was fun, my brother & i had a photoshoot (our dad needs portrait pics of us..for some reason) and kevin batangan was sooo kind to do it for us. (he's a very awesome and talented photographer should anyone be looking for one) it was fun, i'm kinda horrible at posing. i put up a picture on my myspace that kinda doesn't look like me...at least not like me on the daily for damn sure. but its nice i guess. haha. i just hope people don't get the wrong impression...but why should i care what other people think? i do sometimes.
anywayyy! uhhh..i should shower and then study somemore.
this is gona be a legit all nighter..
(watch me fall asleep by 12...)
i really shouldn't.
"Now you won't find me at no store
I have no time for manicures
With you it's never either or
'Cause nothing even matters no more"
sweet, extremely.
i really should be studying for my micro exam tomorrow! hahah.
today was fun, my brother & i had a photoshoot (our dad needs portrait pics of us..for some reason) and kevin batangan was sooo kind to do it for us. (he's a very awesome and talented photographer should anyone be looking for one) it was fun, i'm kinda horrible at posing. i put up a picture on my myspace that kinda doesn't look like me...at least not like me on the daily for damn sure. but its nice i guess. haha. i just hope people don't get the wrong impression...but why should i care what other people think? i do sometimes.
anywayyy! uhhh..i should shower and then study somemore.
this is gona be a legit all nighter..
(watch me fall asleep by 12...)
i really shouldn't.
"Now you won't find me at no store
I have no time for manicures
With you it's never either or
'Cause nothing even matters no more"
Saturday, October 18, 2008
just one of dem dayys-monica
I'm so glad myspace has this song hahah. Mann..I wish I had that cd with me
but its somewhere in one of my boxes...in Japan.
Anyway, weekends are pretty routine. Work, Work, Chores, Homework. yadda.
Working at starbucks has some perks haha. One of them is being able to just watch human connection.
It sounds all corny but it's actually kinda cute. Today I saw an old couple sitting outside, drinking their coffee and talking. They seemed happy. The woman had brought her husband his coffee and she all prepared it for him. It was very sweet. Another time today this little girl was hugging her grandma for comfort...it made me miss being that little and nestling my head inbetween my moms arms and stomach. Time flies.
My brothers ipod today just happend to play Ordinary People while I was outside on my break..that song above all songs kills me but makes me feel so alive as cliche as it sounds, at the same time. Literally, the words to that song tear my heart out and reinsert it towards the end. It's crazy... That feeling where you want to cry but smile at the same time. Crazy.
K, shower and study time. Dammit.
but its somewhere in one of my boxes...in Japan.
Anyway, weekends are pretty routine. Work, Work, Chores, Homework. yadda.
Working at starbucks has some perks haha. One of them is being able to just watch human connection.
It sounds all corny but it's actually kinda cute. Today I saw an old couple sitting outside, drinking their coffee and talking. They seemed happy. The woman had brought her husband his coffee and she all prepared it for him. It was very sweet. Another time today this little girl was hugging her grandma for comfort...it made me miss being that little and nestling my head inbetween my moms arms and stomach. Time flies.
My brothers ipod today just happend to play Ordinary People while I was outside on my break..that song above all songs kills me but makes me feel so alive as cliche as it sounds, at the same time. Literally, the words to that song tear my heart out and reinsert it towards the end. It's crazy... That feeling where you want to cry but smile at the same time. Crazy.
K, shower and study time. Dammit.
Friday, October 17, 2008
High as a motherrr.
I have no idea what has gotten into me
...
but I love it.
I need to keep this up :)
& no, this is no drug induced high haha.
& it's no feeling that anyone gave me.
But whatever it is, it is amazing.
I'm thinking it is the ten straight hours of sleep but
I worked 7 hours today...usually I'm hella tired but not right now...
Feeling quiiiite alriiiiight :) & then some!
hahahaha
wish I could figure out what it is though.
But ignorance is bliss so I'll just enjoy it :)
...
but I love it.
I need to keep this up :)
& no, this is no drug induced high haha.
& it's no feeling that anyone gave me.
But whatever it is, it is amazing.
I'm thinking it is the ten straight hours of sleep but
I worked 7 hours today...usually I'm hella tired but not right now...
Feeling quiiiite alriiiiight :) & then some!
hahahaha
wish I could figure out what it is though.
But ignorance is bliss so I'll just enjoy it :)
Thursday, October 16, 2008
i'm right here
I've never been done like that before so I'm just taken back...
I felt invisible for a split second & I'm pretty much trippin.
I give up. Whatevv.
Just be nonchalant, I'm tired of btching. haha.
Anyway, on a better note, we ate at cheesecake & it was pretty good. I'm super full. Disgustingly so.
I was craving for one after eatting. Seriously though, on a full stomach, that pretty much sets me all good.
I know it's bad. Bad habit.
Uhmm. I don't know what else to write about. I'm worn out & I don't entirely know why.
I had micro lab this morning, then went to my lolas, then back to school, anatomy lab & lecture...then chilled, then cheesecake..then home. Not out of the ordinary unusual...But after a good shower, escaping to sleepworld sounds all too enticing.
I just realized I forgot my magazines and black shirt from his car. Dammit. I hate forgetting things.
$16 at target...two magazines and a basic black longsleeve (I'm pretty predictable with colors & styles haha.). I tend to be safe about things except with the color of my room which is now getting to me...I really want to repaint it. For some reason, I feel that when I do repaint it I'll feel so much better about my life. Almost like a fresh start. But nothing to really start fresh or recover from. Oh, & I like to try new foods too. I swear I have to be the worst person ever to ask what is good food, because I eat anything so I'll say anything is good unless it really is conventionally revolting then I'll definitely know if I don't like it. Runnnnon sentence or what! It's cool. Love it.
Showerrtime.
I felt invisible for a split second & I'm pretty much trippin.
I give up. Whatevv.
Just be nonchalant, I'm tired of btching. haha.
Anyway, on a better note, we ate at cheesecake & it was pretty good. I'm super full. Disgustingly so.
I was craving for one after eatting. Seriously though, on a full stomach, that pretty much sets me all good.
I know it's bad. Bad habit.
Uhmm. I don't know what else to write about. I'm worn out & I don't entirely know why.
I had micro lab this morning, then went to my lolas, then back to school, anatomy lab & lecture...then chilled, then cheesecake..then home. Not out of the ordinary unusual...But after a good shower, escaping to sleepworld sounds all too enticing.
I just realized I forgot my magazines and black shirt from his car. Dammit. I hate forgetting things.
$16 at target...two magazines and a basic black longsleeve (I'm pretty predictable with colors & styles haha.). I tend to be safe about things except with the color of my room which is now getting to me...I really want to repaint it. For some reason, I feel that when I do repaint it I'll feel so much better about my life. Almost like a fresh start. But nothing to really start fresh or recover from. Oh, & I like to try new foods too. I swear I have to be the worst person ever to ask what is good food, because I eat anything so I'll say anything is good unless it really is conventionally revolting then I'll definitely know if I don't like it. Runnnnon sentence or what! It's cool. Love it.
Showerrtime.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
thankful
"I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there's somebody nobody knows about."
-Alfred Hitchcock & Thornton Wilder Shadow of a Doubt.
Yeah, I'm not going to lie to that. Secrets are sacred.
I got the quote from a book I got today: the bride stripped bare. I started reading it already...it's pretty seductive with its poetic secrecy.
I'm thankful because I actually had a nice day. Definitely better than yesterday. Significantly better.
Lunch with Flo at Banana Leaf; one of my favorite girls eatting at one of my favorite places...can't go wrong :) We found some polaroids which I'm definitely going to get once we know where to get film.
Then had some anatomy...was interesting as always. Then I started reading my book which was relaxing.
Then second favorite part of the day came: the boy.
Things are pretty much feeling better, I definitely feel more better than compared to how I was feeling the past few days.
So, that's all I am for today. Thankful :).
Working out again tomorrow, I'm excited. Two days and I've been pretty on point with going back to my diet before I left for Japan. Feeling better...Much.
So thankful. Thankful and certainty is definitely a more pleasant disposition than quandrary.
-Alfred Hitchcock & Thornton Wilder Shadow of a Doubt.
Yeah, I'm not going to lie to that. Secrets are sacred.
I got the quote from a book I got today: the bride stripped bare. I started reading it already...it's pretty seductive with its poetic secrecy.
I'm thankful because I actually had a nice day. Definitely better than yesterday. Significantly better.
Lunch with Flo at Banana Leaf; one of my favorite girls eatting at one of my favorite places...can't go wrong :) We found some polaroids which I'm definitely going to get once we know where to get film.
Then had some anatomy...was interesting as always. Then I started reading my book which was relaxing.
Then second favorite part of the day came: the boy.
Things are pretty much feeling better, I definitely feel more better than compared to how I was feeling the past few days.
So, that's all I am for today. Thankful :).
Working out again tomorrow, I'm excited. Two days and I've been pretty on point with going back to my diet before I left for Japan. Feeling better...Much.
So thankful. Thankful and certainty is definitely a more pleasant disposition than quandrary.
Monday, October 13, 2008
melts my heart to stone.
what am I doing? What am I doing?
I'm trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and have me explode.
So I'll just write it out.
So maybe it's not a wall, just a cage. A cage is at least somehow permeable. Slip through the spaces.
So you can let a little in but not all at once.
I don't know if it is me and I'm just being a girl reading into too many little things when I shouldn't.
Where's the honey.
Where's the sweet for sour.
This weather is killing me, metaphorically.
Melt my heart to stone-adele.
Song breaks me a little. It's not that I'm the only one in love but the feeling that I'm the only one feeling...somewhow?
Cause I love but not in love. Not yet.
Why can't it just be easy? Like it is supposed to be. Loving is supposed to be easy. But I feel so tricked.
I feel mislead. I believe, but I'm scared. . .
all over again.
My thoughts are in pieces...I know someone who can put them all together but I need to start learning my own.
Cause at the end of the day the only one that can mend me, is me. Right?
This is what happens when gravity pulls me down. This is me trying to reject gravity and hopelessly losing.
Knowing that at the end of the fall, I might just split open into pieces without the break.
Just...break this fall.
Catch.
Trust is hiding and I want it to come out and stay.
I'm trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and have me explode.
So I'll just write it out.
So maybe it's not a wall, just a cage. A cage is at least somehow permeable. Slip through the spaces.
So you can let a little in but not all at once.
I don't know if it is me and I'm just being a girl reading into too many little things when I shouldn't.
Where's the honey.
Where's the sweet for sour.
This weather is killing me, metaphorically.
Melt my heart to stone-adele.
Song breaks me a little. It's not that I'm the only one in love but the feeling that I'm the only one feeling...somewhow?
Cause I love but not in love. Not yet.
Why can't it just be easy? Like it is supposed to be. Loving is supposed to be easy. But I feel so tricked.
I feel mislead. I believe, but I'm scared. . .
all over again.
My thoughts are in pieces...I know someone who can put them all together but I need to start learning my own.
Cause at the end of the day the only one that can mend me, is me. Right?
This is what happens when gravity pulls me down. This is me trying to reject gravity and hopelessly losing.
Knowing that at the end of the fall, I might just split open into pieces without the break.
Just...break this fall.
Catch.
Trust is hiding and I want it to come out and stay.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
maybe
Maybe I really am just never enough.
Sometimes I think I made this just too easy for him. I did, I really did huh.
Story of my life.
I let something go b/c I couldn't handle the glare. I couldn't take the pain.
I didn't take a chance when I there was a good catch b/c I wasn't ready. & I was too scared.
Then there was what I thought was a nice guy but I was so wrong. So idiotically and ridiculously wrong.
Then I have someone fresh. Someone that just so happend to have what I was looking for. The kind of stories that become too good to be true so I seize the chance.
& Here I am. Just swimming.
I'm happy, but I'm back to cautious. I've got one wall back up.
I think you can love with a wall. I can't be head over heels, that takes time. Honestly, I know it was a fast one. But I'm trying to slow down. I'm trying to pace. I like pace.
I depend but not so much as how I still depend on myself. I don't know how long it will take me to let myself fully depend and give everything.
I like comfortable, stable, safe. I like being in a relationship where I can just be. Where impressing is no longer a fraction because if it was right, we'd be effortlessly impressing.
I'm just hormonal and being a stupid girl.
There's a lot of things I don't understand right now.
Like I don't understand why I feel so heartbroken.
I'm going to clean now.
Sometimes I think I made this just too easy for him. I did, I really did huh.
Story of my life.
I let something go b/c I couldn't handle the glare. I couldn't take the pain.
I didn't take a chance when I there was a good catch b/c I wasn't ready. & I was too scared.
Then there was what I thought was a nice guy but I was so wrong. So idiotically and ridiculously wrong.
Then I have someone fresh. Someone that just so happend to have what I was looking for. The kind of stories that become too good to be true so I seize the chance.
& Here I am. Just swimming.
I'm happy, but I'm back to cautious. I've got one wall back up.
I think you can love with a wall. I can't be head over heels, that takes time. Honestly, I know it was a fast one. But I'm trying to slow down. I'm trying to pace. I like pace.
I depend but not so much as how I still depend on myself. I don't know how long it will take me to let myself fully depend and give everything.
I like comfortable, stable, safe. I like being in a relationship where I can just be. Where impressing is no longer a fraction because if it was right, we'd be effortlessly impressing.
I'm just hormonal and being a stupid girl.
There's a lot of things I don't understand right now.
Like I don't understand why I feel so heartbroken.
I'm going to clean now.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
so maybe someday.
Definitely San Diego night lights.
I've seen downtown San Jose city night lights, and of course Tokyo & Yokosuka but San Diego's night lights I swear stole me like no other has before. The reds, oranges, the blurr of it all robbed me of all other distractions that even no guy has managed to accomplish effortlessly. The sun sets differently there than up north. Maybe it is the beach scene that makes a difference. Seriously though. Yokosuka night lights will always be home but I hope someday I'll be going to sleep closing my curtain to San Diego's night sky. It's a big dream of mine. Plus seeing peoples pictures from comic-con makes me jealous too. I don't mean to overlook Bay Area's scenic offers, because I know there are some nice areas here too, but after being in so-cal during spring break, I really can't help but to dream big. Hopefully someday I'll make my way down there. Yeah, maybe.
I've seen downtown San Jose city night lights, and of course Tokyo & Yokosuka but San Diego's night lights I swear stole me like no other has before. The reds, oranges, the blurr of it all robbed me of all other distractions that even no guy has managed to accomplish effortlessly. The sun sets differently there than up north. Maybe it is the beach scene that makes a difference. Seriously though. Yokosuka night lights will always be home but I hope someday I'll be going to sleep closing my curtain to San Diego's night sky. It's a big dream of mine. Plus seeing peoples pictures from comic-con makes me jealous too. I don't mean to overlook Bay Area's scenic offers, because I know there are some nice areas here too, but after being in so-cal during spring break, I really can't help but to dream big. Hopefully someday I'll make my way down there. Yeah, maybe.
at the end of the day
"the only way to true happiness is to risk being completely cut open" -Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
double you tee eff.
what the heck? My blog is being mistaken for a spam blog? whaaaaat? gay.
Anyway, I feel slightly better than this morning. Slightly.
I went to some poetry & writers coalition thing at peets to kill some time before waiting for andrew to get out of class. There was just people reading poems and things they've written. They were acceptional, but nothing really stung or stuck with me. This one guy did though, only because he was somewhat depressing. Okay, not depressing but the right word eludes me right now.
One of his short pieces was about cutting off this one girl's head and sewing it as his own...just so he could see what was on her mind. Another one of his pieces was about stabbing himself and the pain feeling so good he couldn't help from smiling. Another one was called "Temper," about how long it took him to get out of a house fire only because he was busy tying up his wife...Yeah. Questionable. But I don't know, to each his own right. Maybe he had more depth than I'm imagining although scenes like that I don't find too welcoming for my mind to open the doors, walk in, sit and ponder them. I'm good, thanks.
I haven't had passionate feelings to write something good about. Most of the things in the past were pretty much the same sad story revolving around the one theme I've encountered more times than I would have liked to: heartbreak. I never write anything well about good things like being in love. Maybe I can, but I haven't. At least not that I can remember.
Sometimes I envy my mom. My dad was her first real & last boyfriend. It amazes me that they got married young (21...I consider that to be young but I guess 'back in the day' it wasn't). Comparing myself to how my mom was her age makes me feel like a slut. But incomparison to some girls these days I feel like a little girl. Funny.
I miss swimming. I want to go running but it's hard to work out when I'll be coughing every ten minutes. This cold needs to go away.
I love walking around campus at night with him. It's a nice feeling.
No sociology tomorrow! I actually look forward to going to that class because our teacher is pretty intelligent about what she teachers and she is pretty hilarious too.
Okay, enough for tonight. Going to shower & sleep.
oyasuminasai~
Anyway, I feel slightly better than this morning. Slightly.
I went to some poetry & writers coalition thing at peets to kill some time before waiting for andrew to get out of class. There was just people reading poems and things they've written. They were acceptional, but nothing really stung or stuck with me. This one guy did though, only because he was somewhat depressing. Okay, not depressing but the right word eludes me right now.
One of his short pieces was about cutting off this one girl's head and sewing it as his own...just so he could see what was on her mind. Another one of his pieces was about stabbing himself and the pain feeling so good he couldn't help from smiling. Another one was called "Temper," about how long it took him to get out of a house fire only because he was busy tying up his wife...Yeah. Questionable. But I don't know, to each his own right. Maybe he had more depth than I'm imagining although scenes like that I don't find too welcoming for my mind to open the doors, walk in, sit and ponder them. I'm good, thanks.
I haven't had passionate feelings to write something good about. Most of the things in the past were pretty much the same sad story revolving around the one theme I've encountered more times than I would have liked to: heartbreak. I never write anything well about good things like being in love. Maybe I can, but I haven't. At least not that I can remember.
Sometimes I envy my mom. My dad was her first real & last boyfriend. It amazes me that they got married young (21...I consider that to be young but I guess 'back in the day' it wasn't). Comparing myself to how my mom was her age makes me feel like a slut. But incomparison to some girls these days I feel like a little girl. Funny.
I miss swimming. I want to go running but it's hard to work out when I'll be coughing every ten minutes. This cold needs to go away.
I love walking around campus at night with him. It's a nice feeling.
No sociology tomorrow! I actually look forward to going to that class because our teacher is pretty intelligent about what she teachers and she is pretty hilarious too.
Okay, enough for tonight. Going to shower & sleep.
oyasuminasai~
625am
i like to be sick mainly because it gives me a reason to stay home and take advantage of doing nothing. but i haven't been able to stay home and do nothing because yesterday i had a midterm and homework due, and today i have labs and labs are definitely not to be missed.
last night at target i submissed to sin.
mint milano cookies.
that time of month again already soon?
gayness.
quit working?
i can't decide.
what's new.
so, i should get ready for school. . .
i'll be wearing sweats & the glasses.
i want to work out but i guess if i'm trying to recover i should really just let my body rest.
okay getting ready now.
last night at target i submissed to sin.
mint milano cookies.
that time of month again already soon?
gayness.
quit working?
i can't decide.
what's new.
so, i should get ready for school. . .
i'll be wearing sweats & the glasses.
i want to work out but i guess if i'm trying to recover i should really just let my body rest.
okay getting ready now.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
frayed
seriously?
in the bliss of it all, the frustrations that accompany relationships has faltered me.
until now.
but i'm the kind that sticks it out.
so, anyway.
I'm losing my voice! I hate when this happens. It sucks...
I've realized that I have yet to review the plans that both mccain and obama have laid out, but i know i'm going to vote obama anyway...but i feel i should do some research so it doesn't seem i'm on the liberal state bandwagon.
so i checked our a yokosuka album from high school...so much has changed. looking at the pictures made me want to go back for a little. to bum it out at the nex, jhoji's room and after 3 hours still not decided where to kick it, the dunking court and watching the guys be gay...well that's anywhere but still. team america in paolo's room. sleepovers with the girls. msn conversations. . .i want to slap the girl i used to be for ever thinking that college life would be more fun and easy than high school. college has its fun moments & i've met great friends, but the work load definitely accounts for much more. you fuck up a midterm you only have another midterm and a final to pull that shit up; at least in some classes. you can count on extra credit in all your classes or have homework to save you from the boarder line. but maybe it is different for everyone. maybe?
& is it me or do the simple things not matter anymore? or has depending on little, simple everyday things been played out? or maybe it is just me. i try not to have high expectations anymore, because the logic of it is if you don't have high expectations you can never be disappointed. i can't help but still be expectant. i can't keeping living expecting to get what i want, because it never plays out that way. i envy consistency.
you know what i find annoying? when i can't find the right songs to listen to. i hate not knowing and being indecisive. i swear that is my ultimate downfall -> indecisiveness. i want to know what i want, but most times i don't. i don't thoroughly trust my judgements because in someways they've lead me to one heartbreak or some form of disappointment after another. i seem to just never learn.
right now is one of those moments where i wish i was outside with a cigg, and drinking a iced soy chai with good company. that, or on the phone. i'm frayed.
in the bliss of it all, the frustrations that accompany relationships has faltered me.
until now.
but i'm the kind that sticks it out.
so, anyway.
I'm losing my voice! I hate when this happens. It sucks...
I've realized that I have yet to review the plans that both mccain and obama have laid out, but i know i'm going to vote obama anyway...but i feel i should do some research so it doesn't seem i'm on the liberal state bandwagon.
so i checked our a yokosuka album from high school...so much has changed. looking at the pictures made me want to go back for a little. to bum it out at the nex, jhoji's room and after 3 hours still not decided where to kick it, the dunking court and watching the guys be gay...well that's anywhere but still. team america in paolo's room. sleepovers with the girls. msn conversations. . .i want to slap the girl i used to be for ever thinking that college life would be more fun and easy than high school. college has its fun moments & i've met great friends, but the work load definitely accounts for much more. you fuck up a midterm you only have another midterm and a final to pull that shit up; at least in some classes. you can count on extra credit in all your classes or have homework to save you from the boarder line. but maybe it is different for everyone. maybe?
& is it me or do the simple things not matter anymore? or has depending on little, simple everyday things been played out? or maybe it is just me. i try not to have high expectations anymore, because the logic of it is if you don't have high expectations you can never be disappointed. i can't help but still be expectant. i can't keeping living expecting to get what i want, because it never plays out that way. i envy consistency.
you know what i find annoying? when i can't find the right songs to listen to. i hate not knowing and being indecisive. i swear that is my ultimate downfall -> indecisiveness. i want to know what i want, but most times i don't. i don't thoroughly trust my judgements because in someways they've lead me to one heartbreak or some form of disappointment after another. i seem to just never learn.
right now is one of those moments where i wish i was outside with a cigg, and drinking a iced soy chai with good company. that, or on the phone. i'm frayed.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Sitting back
If anyone could die from thought overload, I'd definitely be 6 feet under right now.
My head is pretty congested that when I unload it can incomprehensive.
I'm just thankful I know that there is one person who can make sense of my mess...although it does worry me a little that he could just walk right out of my life...
Anyway..
I'm starting to wonder what has happend to me. I'm slipping and I know it, but I'm not doing anything right now.
Just sitting back.
Currently I know I have laundry to clean, plants to water, dog to feed, room to clean!!! hella bad, junk mail to sort through, deposit money at the bank, pay some bills...fat to lose.
shit.
I use to be on top of things, or maybe is it just today?
& Do I continue working? I already tried working Fri-Sun on top of my full time at school Mon-Thurs. schedule...I have no break days if I do that. So pretty much my options are :
a) go back to working Fri-Sunday
b) just quit.
Decisions decisions decisions.
Either be crazy busy or not busy! Well I could be busy doing other things I guess...
Quitting = no money too!
Crap.
I'm wearing sweats right now...feels very comfortable. I have not worn sweats to school yet! Go me.
But I need to seriously start working out again. I hate feeling fat. I should get my shit together.
....
I think it is kinda gross that when I think of him, I feel like a little girl. It's nice.
Nice is good.
Okay, I'm going to get off my lazy ass and do work.
My head is pretty congested that when I unload it can incomprehensive.
I'm just thankful I know that there is one person who can make sense of my mess...although it does worry me a little that he could just walk right out of my life...
Anyway..
I'm starting to wonder what has happend to me. I'm slipping and I know it, but I'm not doing anything right now.
Just sitting back.
Currently I know I have laundry to clean, plants to water, dog to feed, room to clean!!! hella bad, junk mail to sort through, deposit money at the bank, pay some bills...fat to lose.
shit.
I use to be on top of things, or maybe is it just today?
& Do I continue working? I already tried working Fri-Sun on top of my full time at school Mon-Thurs. schedule...I have no break days if I do that. So pretty much my options are :
a) go back to working Fri-Sunday
b) just quit.
Decisions decisions decisions.
Either be crazy busy or not busy! Well I could be busy doing other things I guess...
Quitting = no money too!
Crap.
I'm wearing sweats right now...feels very comfortable. I have not worn sweats to school yet! Go me.
But I need to seriously start working out again. I hate feeling fat. I should get my shit together.
....
I think it is kinda gross that when I think of him, I feel like a little girl. It's nice.
Nice is good.
Okay, I'm going to get off my lazy ass and do work.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
first one
I started reading for leisure again today. First time in a long while...Now I'm writing again.
I'm fairly inconsistent with a lot of things...Disorganized no matter how hard I try to stay organized.
My thoughts are pretty messy right now, I'm tired but I'm not sleepy because of all this useless, unnecessary shit of thoughts that are fighting sleep. I don't think that sentence made sense but...whatever.
Today in anatomy we learned of the male reproduction system. I kept falling asleep. I've been feeling sleepy at the most inconvenient times! Anyway, so we learned about testicular cancer and genital warts, blah blah blah, but our teacher told us a story of a guy who had the head of his penis removed because of warts...kinda gross. I haven't been in the best of consistent upbeat moods but after hearing that...dude, if I ever think my life sucks again, I'll just think how fortunate I am to not be a guy and have the manhood butched out of me.
I know I said I want to be a nurse but I think I might make a stupid one. So much for self believing right?
Whatevvv.
My eyes hurt. I hope I get lasik eye surgery someday, my eyes are horrible! I was reading a Pregnancy magazine (no I'm not pregnant--for damn sure I'm not. but I was just curious) anyway, yeah I was reading it and it said that women who are pregnant should definitely not have lasik eye surgery. So, I'm thinking I should get it before I graduate college...after I'm 21 though. Yeah maybe.
Ugh. I'm wordless it's frustrating. Nighttt.
I'm fairly inconsistent with a lot of things...Disorganized no matter how hard I try to stay organized.
My thoughts are pretty messy right now, I'm tired but I'm not sleepy because of all this useless, unnecessary shit of thoughts that are fighting sleep. I don't think that sentence made sense but...whatever.
Today in anatomy we learned of the male reproduction system. I kept falling asleep. I've been feeling sleepy at the most inconvenient times! Anyway, so we learned about testicular cancer and genital warts, blah blah blah, but our teacher told us a story of a guy who had the head of his penis removed because of warts...kinda gross. I haven't been in the best of consistent upbeat moods but after hearing that...dude, if I ever think my life sucks again, I'll just think how fortunate I am to not be a guy and have the manhood butched out of me.
I know I said I want to be a nurse but I think I might make a stupid one. So much for self believing right?
Whatevvv.
My eyes hurt. I hope I get lasik eye surgery someday, my eyes are horrible! I was reading a Pregnancy magazine (no I'm not pregnant--for damn sure I'm not. but I was just curious) anyway, yeah I was reading it and it said that women who are pregnant should definitely not have lasik eye surgery. So, I'm thinking I should get it before I graduate college...after I'm 21 though. Yeah maybe.
Ugh. I'm wordless it's frustrating. Nighttt.
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