all at once

sigh.
piles of unsorted clothes
bank receipts
bills
that have gone almost unaccounted for
overdue
a neglected dog so undeserving of a neglectful mother
red
once a passion now burns
rushing for more, more, more.
wanting to surround herself in colors more mellow
like ice blue or mint green, something less intense
a little more serene.
wanting the calm of the center of a storm.
tests for grades
trying to make the grade for tests
always coming up short
is the size of a coffee fix that she wishes would fix all this.
or tea for caffiene anything to keep going and not stopping because
i'm already behind.
numb.
dissheveled and lost
under the spell and slave to
time.
needing to want help but they say
God helps those who help themselves.

what really bugs me is all this stuff that bothers me is small. it's not all that big of a deal. but an accumulation of little things really does set me off or gets me down. i miss just spilling all this in one place, someplace safe.
all my flaws seem so hopelessly permanent.
i don't think anyone upsets me more than myself.
i don't know why i'm so cranky.
i have a quiz tomorrow that I probably should start studying for.
i wish i was blessed with a better brain.
i think i have a good heart though, but that hasn't shown me to get me anywhere.
stupid micro, i care not for the unknown bacteria i've yet to discover. i should. but i don't.
ahhhh. i need some kind of fix.