My blood, my heart, my all...

I just watched 17 Again with Geo. Hanging out with him was really a good time. I've never felt more older sisterly, & I realized how much I love it & how much I missed him. It makes me feel sad that he only sees me twice a year..for the next 10 years of his life. I've missed how many of his soccer games, school performances...I hate to think of how much more I'll miss. I wish I saw him compete in his soraban contest. I hate to think of the number of baskets he'll shoot in his future basketball games.

I've just realized how much I take the few times I visit home for granted. It's stinging me deep. Family is very important to me. I hope to someday have a family and to raise them as tight as mine right now. I hope to become like my parents (only better...hahah, if that is even possible). I know my parents make some decisions I disagree with, but I still love them with all of me. I hope I can be a better example for my brothers, because I know I've disappointed them with the mistakes I've made. I can only hope they can learn from mine.

As far is my heart is concerned, I'm all good. I've accepted that it'll always be a part of me like the others, but it's something that I'm going to grow from. I'm not hurting anymore. I'm feeling stronger. That doesn't mean I'm going to move on, I'm going to take things like this slowly. Who knows maybe there will be another chance, maybe not. I've just accepted what is.

Good realizations the past few days. The hard way some...but I've learned nonetheless, it's what counts. Doesn't mean I feel life is perfect now, or that I'm certain of how life goes... it's just good at this moment, and I'm grateful for it.

Accepting the little things makes me happy. It's what I should pay attention to. The little things like dollar movie nights with my little brother...my mom leaving reminder post its...running 6 miles home with my dad...and those drives to & from school with Ivan sometimes silent sometimes with good conversation.

It's a good night.

all i hear is raindrops...

why I do this to myself, I have no clue.

In all honesty you were not cracked up to what you were supposed to be.

You're so selfish. Uncaring. Inconsiderate.

Yet, a part of me unconditionally cares about what you do, if you miss me, if you care.
It's sad really.

Home heals only so much, its now up to how I continue to let it sting. I really need to get it together.

The question that continues to pace around in my mind is:
"Where do you draw the line between loving someone with all of you & losing self respect?"

"You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains."

Gravity- Sara Bareilles.

Hm. I'm skinny on words. I'm thinking its book neglect, and finding the more common/slang ways in verbalizing my thoughts. I miss writing, and creatively I'll add, I don't know why I stopped.
Maybe because I felt I would write and write about the same thing, about him. Tired.
I miss reading too. I'm going to actually take a step onto the Twilight bandwagon. If there is so much hype, it must be that good.

I actually read a book lent by a friend. It is called Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami. It didn't come off to me as an easy or straight forward story. It entertains uncharted metaphors and depictions of love in a twisted way. I read it twice. I'm still attempting to reach past the general idea and find my own thoughts on it that hit home.

Think I should keep a journal on the books I'm reading like I used to. Jot the quotes that I relate or find thought worthy. Time to exerise my words, strive for clearer thoughts...

Out for tonight.

cucumbers

So, I've made progress. Thank God. 

I got into the nursing program, definitely a big weight lifter. I've never been so excited & happy in my life :).

I'm home in Japan & it's starting great :) 

I'm stuck on some guy. Which really is stupid but I can't help it. It's just my nature. 

To still care this much, it's pretty much idiotic. If I hurt it is my fault right now because I'm caring. 

I'm just hoping that if I don't get over him in the next two months, then maybe it'll be reciprocated. Or not. 

Which would suck..But no, I need to not. I need to be content being single. I need to not want companionship. I need to deal on my own without him or any other guy. That's what I need to do right now. I can't be wanting or needing. 

My lame brother needs the computer, & I need to come up with better insightful posts. 

i want to get back up

i want to get back up because i'm tired of getting knocked down.
no, i need to make better decisions in my life because i'm tired of feeling like a constant failure.
my poor decisions are nice ones at the moment but don't serve much of a purpose for the future.
no, they just make things more complicated. i'm more furious because all of this is my fault.
and i'm not okay with that. i want to blame something else but i can't.
i'm accountable for my poor gpa, & now i'm stuck. because i don't know how to fix it.
i don't know how to be happy alone anymore.
now i know how to fix it but it will take awhile. i'm sick of time.
and why'd he kiss me on the forehead?!
not to say i didn't like it. i hate myself right now.

seven days and counting...

I doubt with all of me that he misses me. But I chose this. I cut him. Right?
I wouldn't have though if I hadn't felt neglected. If I had felt love back, I definitely would not have cut him. If he had given me any kind of sign
that I was worth keeping, that I was worth...more than something. But the truth is, I didn't.
The truth is I was not worth it to him. I was not worth the phone calls, the little things...I was not worth it to him.
Truth is he wasn't worth another chance either. He wasn't worth the pain, the tears, the loneliness.
The more important truth is, I know I am worth the little things and then some. I never needed him to supply, I just needed supplement. Different things. I did need him to show that he loved me, but that of course, was probably asking too much.
So he could have been a catch, but I am too. For someone else.

Seven days single and it is looking up. Really single. There's no talking with him or with anyone else (too soon for that anyway). There are no prospects. & Eventually, there will be no missing...with time.

I told him I was going to take care of myself so I need to buck down and do it. I admit I've been in a blue funk for the past few days so I finally broke down yesterday. Keeping in the emotions for a few days finally erupted. It was chilling in my gut in a tight ball but it's been released. And it is okay now. I cleaned up. I got my schedule down. I'll be focused.
I want to say that I'm through with guys. I said that and looked what happened, so in all honesty, there's no telling.
But I do need to focus and remember nobody can take of myself better than myself, and of course the Main Man.
Emotionally unavailable. I'm in construction building up stronger walls. Stronger walls that hopefully won't get knocked down by sweet words or courteous actions. Because they are all the same.
I should have known it wouldn't have lasted. The little things he gave never carried on. That it was all a play to get well, let's say he did get what he wanted.
Not to say I didn't.
But I was always the one to want more. I was the one who loved more. It's painful but at least I do know I can love. More importantly at least I know when to let go. So...I'm slowly but surely healing.

I'm not afraid of love but I won't be open to it for awhile. At least if I keep telling myself this it'll hopefully take effect.
I'm all cried out. I've been through waiting. I'm more than all ready to be alright.

Now the most important thing I've been waiting for: nursing application results. People have gotten their acceptance letters and I have yet to receive any news. If I don't get in it'll most likely break my heart but I have two more chances.
I really really really hope I get in.

like a boy-ciara

i know what i did was right for me but it does hurt.
it doesn't make sense for me to miss you.
after all the pain and hurt, it does not make sense.
i can't wait for summer so i can just move on.

i hate this part right here.

"Emotions are definitely not a bad thing. It just really means you care. I keep saying, you need someone to really compliment that. Its the truth. It doesn't make getting over someone any easier but take comfort in that little feeling of renewal in the sense that you know in your heart its the right thing, if you truly feel that way. Try not to hesitate so hard. Go more with your passion and initial feelings, they usually will lead to what you want deep down. You're stronger than you make yourself out to be, I've seen it. Its just your expectations exceed another's motivation. Love is a process of trial and error, and I know you've had a lot of errors but I'm also sure you've taken something out of each of those. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Just have faith. Everything happens for a reason, just do what you know is right." -from a great friend.

mess.mess.mess.

In all honesty,
I am a mess. I think so. I want a fresh start.
But I'm stuck.
.
I'm back to where I was two years ago...w.t.f.?
I hate that I even depend.
I hate that I let myself depend.
I'm angry that I trust.
I'm angry that I love.
I'm angry that I let things go.
I hate to pretend.
I'm upset that I can't expect anything.
Because honestly; there is nothing to expect.
I'm unsatisfied. I'm not happy.

foolish-ashanti

Aside from my emotional lack of a love kind of life my computer is shit. I gain weight by smelling food.
I'm a sad little dependent girl. I'm 21 but I felt like I got pushed back to being 16. It sucks.
I want to get out of this little shit hole I'm in but I really don't know where to start.
& I hate feeling so helpless. I think I'm a product of learned helplessness. At least the way I grew up.
I want my period to hurry the fck up so I can get done with all this emotional bullshit.

I've got big big plans...

I hope they go through.

I wanted to do summer school this summer but I'm waitlisted for all my classes...so...I think I'm just going to go home to Japan and work.
Hopefully two jobs.
Hopefully Hayama International School will hire me again. I worked there 3 summers ago! When I was 18. That job is Monday through Friday, 8-3pm. Then I'm going to apply to Chili's and hopefully work during the nights. I'm excited hopefully all this goes as planned.
Oh and I'm going to try and do the Personal Trainer program and get certified. It's going to be cheaper on the base than here I think.
Big Plans.
If I get in the nursing program, I can get a part time job when I come back here. If I'm a certified personal trainer--better.
& Hopefully our parents let us move out because I'm going nuts in this hole.

My love life is ... I'm sticking it out. Sucking it up. Two weeks we'll see what is up. Hopefully things change.
I'm excited to spend summer in Japan. The only thing I'm worried about is my relationship. I'm always down but it doesn't work alone.

I want all this but we don't get everything we want so, we'll see.
I woke up at 2am and couldn't sleep. I miss having that one person you can call no matter what.
But we age and we go our ways. I can't wait for three years to pass by.
I really hope I get in our nursing program...The wait is killing me.

Today the wind is so cold. It's very annoying.
Not to mention I feel so fat & unattractive.
I hate being so damn passive.
I wish I could be a bitch sometimes. At least I wouldn't get fucked around with and stepped on all the time. Easily put down.
Nice girls finish last.

word vomit #2.

I'm "The Little Things" type of girl.
I cherish mundane everyday things. I'm not big on suprises or big lists. I'm grateful but I'm more partial to random consistency. So that may come off as an oxymoron but what I mean is this:
I appreciate random texts, calls, dates. I appreciate random i love yous. That's the kinda sappy shit I fall for. Your credibility doesn't lie in 1000+ words of reasons of love. It lies in the everyday things you do. The way I'm treated-by you. I like to know I'm still thought of -- even if they are second gaps between a busy schedule.
I'm not the kind of girl who can blindly believe that someone still cares about me if there is no show.
Don't tell- show.
If someone does tell, they should back it up.
It's like writing an essay, you include details to support. Details are actions.
Frankly, I'm tired.
But I'm still here.
can't that count for anything? I'm pretty sure my actions are loud enough to convey I'm fucking head over heels. & WHY?!
Everyone's telling me to think with my brain but here I am inflicted with criticism because why...
I love you.
& I'm tried of my walls & my pretentious attitude of not caring. Of sitting on the sideline. I'm so tired.
I need things to hold on to. I can't hang suspended forever. I'm despierately trying but I'm losing my grip.
I love him because he inspires me to be better. I had fun with him. We had those moments where I would think all day and night about because they were feel good times. I'm not talking physical. Just by being.
Because I'm the little things girl.
I like little hang outs with no purpose. I love kicking it at home just talking or watching t.v. I love laying in bed just to lay and be near you.
I miss the talking stage. I miss being friends, b/c I recieved more conversation.
Honest to God I would trade the material for t-i-m-e.
It's already sad I'm settling for a worthy 2 minute phone. Or any phone call. & a meaningful I love you. But it's understandable. I don't blame.
It's just what I want.
I miss being myself. I think today I was myself with you for a few minutes. The rest I held my tongue & just tried to savour the time with you. That was more important, it's always more important to me.
& I get so thrown off & so whiplashed. The few days I catch you & you're so affectionate. I'm such a pussy for wanting to tear everytime because it's that rare it hurts.
Maybe you deserve someone stronger. Who can take it. I don't know.
I don't want to be single & date around. I'm through with that. I met you. I found some reason to trust again. B/c I have you I give it all...fucking 100+%. I don't regret it. I don't want to ask anything from you in return but appreciation. But that's just you. I accept you as you are.
Now if I only I could tell you this in person.

Tear-Red Hot Chili Peppers

Today is his birthday. I went to have lunch with him. It was nice. He was talkative which was good because I'm not much for words lately. It may seem like I'm not, but I am very excited for him. He's so driven and hard-working it really makes me feel inadequate yet inspired. We're not in the same field but his attitude towards what he wants is somewhat contagious. I'm just in a pit right now.

I'm 21 & I feel behind. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about. I see peers around me hustling in school & work, & here I am receiving everything on a silver platter. I should be grateful! I should happy that I don't have to worry about work & school. I'd rather be tired than have nothing to do. I can only work out for so long. I can only swim so many laps. I guess if I become obsessed with working out I'll actually get lasting results...
I spend so much time alone. It's really not healthy. Everyone is so busy. Except me. Why can't I just focus on school and worry only about that?

I read these reasons why and they keep me hanging on. I wish I didn't have to read them to hang on. I should be stronger. I should be more independent. In that sense, I miss the girl I was last year. Then I did what I want. I had a job. I was busy. But I also had committment & trust issues. I was selfish, but I think I was somewhat more happy.
Honestly, I'm happy for him. I'm just not that happy for myself. I really hope I get in the nursing program. I don't think it is until then that I'll feel I'm doing something right in my life.

I wake up in the middle of the night. My thoughts all consume me where sleep fails.

Ebony Eyes-Stevie Wonder

I haven't wrote in a while!
Not much has happened.
I had spring break...& I really wish I had gone to SD.
I should have hung out with more friends this break but I did a lot of alone time.
He was too busy, & it's not his fault. I understand. The situation just sucks but at the same time I see it as an opportunity for me to grow.
Or I'm just insanely attached. This really wasn't supposed to happen to me!!
I was supposed to hold my guard but seven months & I don't know how long it has been gone.
Dangerous, kinda.
This is forcing me to grow. Forcing me to have more patience. More understanding.
I miss him a lot but I wish he didn't have a hold on me like this...
It's sick.
Anyway.
I miss the cherry blossoms in Japan. I think they'll be starting to bloom soon. I'm looking at a picture of cherry blossoms right now...I feel slighly homesick.
I submitted my nursing application. I have never been THIS nervous in my life. I should be looking for a backup plan.
Really, I really really really really hope I get accepted. I can't wait.
I want this SO BAD. More than anything!!! More than a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.

I have these dreams of when I'm done with school.
Foolish me does want to see you in the picture.
Along with a couple of dogs. Nice and clean apartment. Efficient car. Hopefully exciting work shifts.
I'm really sleepy so I'm going to crash now.

280 North

I want to vomit a disgusting display of suppressed emotions & thoughts.
But I'd rather not.
Today we drove to standford shopping center & shared a cupcake from sprinkles. I would say it was a nice time.
I loved the view driving down 280. There were lots of green. I wasn't much for words today. I had so much on my mind though. I felt that I probably should have talked more but I just wanted to enjoy the ride & his company. It makes me sick with myself that I could love someone this much. Seriously. I need to be more distracted sometimes because he's all saturated into my brain.
But I still have this collection of thoughts, that I'd rather just put in a small box in the back of my head.

Think different.

http://www.fmylife.com/ >> good shit to read when you're having a bad day.
Or just when you want a good laugh.

So, one week of Lent has gone by. I gave up unhealthy food aka all the junk foods, fast food (well I don't really eat fast food so pretty much In-N-Out), chocolate!!! cookies, cakes, ice cream...I know I'm such a fatty to think this is the hardest thing to sacrifice hahah. But it's also to get me back into good shape & healthy habits. & I've been smoke free for a while!

I'm confused on my feelings towards abortion. I think one should assume the responsibility. But that means different to everyone. I don't believe in young girls trying to do self abortions because they're too scared for their parents to find out. I don't believe in publicly condemning those that choose it. I do believe doctors & nurses should have the choice of participating in an abortion and should have the option "out" if they feel this violates their beliefs. If I'm a nurse in the future I don't think I'd want to assist in an abortion but then again I really don't know how I feel on this topic. What if I got pregnant. Part of me would want to have the baby out of obligation & because I don't know how I'd live having commited abortion. Then again I don't know how I could live with the shame my family will definitely feel towards me.

My aunt brought this topic up to my attention. It was discussed in church. Essentially I felt she was trying to sway me towards a political party. Theirs. My family here are all die hard Republicans. I honestly don't feel comfortable talking about my personal beliefs knowing they judge. I know they think they're serving a family duty to make sure the values & morals are well established and that I carry it in my life but I just think different. My family needs to understand that I'm not perfectly imperfect or a girl lost without values. I wish they could accept me for everything I am.

I don't think I even want to belong to a party. I can't wait to get out of here because I'm tired of them imposing their beliefs disrespecting that I have my own. I honestly don't understand. I give them all so much respect.
There are some old school ways I thoroughly disagree with.
Why is it that I can't be given the same respect that I give.

underwear

i just thought that one of the things i can't wait to do in three years when i'm on my own is:
to walk around with just my underwear, a t-shirt, my hair in a towel, glasses, and some big comfy ass slippers. granted i live alone hahah.
sounds so comfortable.

game plan--ideally.

So starting next week I'm going to try
M&W:6AM spinning class
M:630pm-730PM kickboxing conditioning
TU&TH:630AM-7:30 kickboxing conditioning
Hopefully. I need to be more tired so I can sleep faster.
Good news: A on midterm today! yay yayy.
K. studying again.

everything in me.

I wanted this so it's only right that I give it everything. I can't half ass it.
I wanted it. I believe in it. If only I had been this passionate about nursing. It's going to take all the faith in me to pray that I can get in. Also studying for the TEAS. I should have been more on point about this. I really should have.

I'm so frustrated! Negative feelings are the easiest to write about. It's taking everything in me to understand this isn't going to be easy. I need more patience. I want to be more confident how things will be & to have faith.
The hardest thing about faith is that it's such an abstract idea with no concrete result, but that's the point of faith. To still believe knowing that there are unwinning chances.

I'm glad I have this list. Everyone else may think it's bull but it's something for me to hold on to. It helps.
Being in it with the hardship is better than without it.
I made my own list but I don't now whether or not to give it. I want to keep it so it reminds me. I shouldn't have to want to have it but it's hard.
It's harder than a long distrance relationship because that's a legitimit reason to not see each other or spend much time.
But if you're right in the same area during the day, it's frustrating because it's there but you can't have it.
I wish I was in the nursing program or I wish I was too busy to notice. It wouldn't hurt even.
I guess I'll go back to working out in the morning and afternoon. Get myself too tired to notice.
K back to studying. Three midterms this week=lots of fun.

dashboard always brings comfort.

Dashboard Confessional never fails to bring some kind of reminiscent comfort.
I'm listening to this song, "Even Now," by DC. I had the biggest crush on Chris Carrabba back in high school. Thought he was the ultimate shit and would hope to find a guy as sincere and musically talented as him. Funny how things turn out.

Last week was real good. It was memorable & "Even Now," makes me replay those moments.
From waking up to a super loud ass radio,to listening to sports talk radio driving down 25, going to school late, to driving at midnight back and falling asleep tangled just to have it happen all over again. It wasn't anything too crazy, but it was simple. It was nice.

I'm phoneless for about two weeks. This will be interesting. I'm pretty sure it will get frustrating but it should be okay.
He's going to be so busy, I already miss him. I wish I could easily shake off these insecurities but I know it will take the same amount of time as trying to shake off pounds. I'm a selfish and jealous lover. I should get over it.

I really should do my homework and read.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Church at 7am. That is going to be a killer. But I should.
What to sacrifice this year...last year I didn't sacrifice anything. I don't know if I will this year. Maybe junk food. I do eat a lot of it now. Comfort food. I should. It will be good for me.
Hmm.
We'll see.

No one else to blame

I can't wait to repaint these walls. & I can't wait for things to get better.
God.
I need patience.
I need you.

xxi, a break.

I did enjoy my birthday yesterday, I actually did. I mean there was awhile when I got all emo and weird but aside from that I realized that the number one thing I'm grateful for are the people in my life. Time with them is the best ever, really. I remember being a kid and the best thing I looked forward to was the tearing off the shiny decorated boxes. Older now and best thing about my birthday is spending it with the people I love. This is the first birthday that I didn't cry for missing my family in Japan but I do miss them especially on my birthday. All the crap that I've had in the past few weeks didn't mean anything yesterday...and it leaked into today. I hope this is a good week...I like the momentum. Having a birthday on a Monday wasn't such a thing afterall. I feel it's a break from all the shitty feelings I had for the past few weeks. I should take advantage while I'm ahead.
Okay well I've got some Japanese homework to do and reading for a class tomorrow. Happy 21 :)

i need out of this shit hole.

why wasn't i made of more stronger material?! b/c everything about me is so vulnerable & fragile.

I want positive.

I want to find positive things. I seriously want to be at least content. Happy seems like too much to ask.
No, I'm happy when I'm with my friends & boyfriend. Am I selfish right now to not want to be around family?
I should be thankful I even have a family. I am. But I'm still angry.

Positive things in my life:
+ I have a family that cares for me.
- they care too much, if that's even possible.
+ I have good friends who put up with my bullshiz. & Are great people to be around.
+ I have a boyfriend who loves me. I think. jk.
+ I'm in college.
+ I have decent grades.
+ Oh yeah, I have a dog.
+ I'm in a house and not on the street.
+ I have a car to drive.
+ I don't have cancer. or any serious life threatening disease.
+ I think God loves me.
+ I don't have any physical disabilities. I can see, hear, taste, touch, smell. Bodily functions & vitals are relatively normal.
+ I live in California and not Texas or a third world country.
+ I have access to clean, running water.
+ We have a new president that I got to vote for.
+ I think I have a good head on my shoulders. Maybe.

Things I wish were better:
- I really wish I didn't have rules. I'm sorry I don't think I'm ever going to let it go.
- I do wish I heard "i love you" everynight. it makes it easier to sleep. it would be nice if I was up there, somehow.
- I wish I wasn't so emotionally retarded. I feel like Meredith Grey and her needless amount of issues.
- I wish I was excited for my own birthday. But there's not much to be excited for.
- I wish I could be more honest & speak my mind to those that I need to.
- I wish I walked with my face to the world rather than the ground.
- I wish I didn't feel so lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if something is really wrong with me, uhm. emotionally. It's sad because now I don't know if I have a right to feel what I want because most of my life my dad would criticize me for feeling, for being sensitive.
I wonder if he'll ever come to accept me for who I am & stop trying to change me.
My good guy friend was right earlier, I'm acting like such a girl.
Or maybe its the pill. I don't know anymore. These nights are getting old.

One more positive:
+ damn near quitting & getting back in shape.

bubble bubble bubble..

So I thought working out today would help blow some steam. Hardly. I just got tired but I still feel angry. & My immune system is weak because I'm sick so I think I may have gotten myself worse? At least I'm really tired that I want to go to bed. But I don't want to go to bed angry. I fear in the long run these little internal bubbles I keep to myself will accumulate and all pop at once. Although I don't know when. It's not the worst thing in the world but it's the worst thing in my life? Kind of. I'm not even excited for my birthday. I don't want gifts from my parents. But it's too late. Whatever. guess I'll be having a party and I'm only excited because I'll be with good company, hopefully. I've been doing some evaluating & I'm virtually getting no where. I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling lonely. I kind of hate my life. Now I sound like I'm back in high school. I've never felt so negative. It's not even feeling broken. It's just feeling all kinds of hate.

wow. I just got a random "whatsup."
Oddly enough it made going to sleep a little bit easier.

halik

one fine saturday

I went to Hollister today to visit my bf. It was a good time although it was only for four hours. Our schedules don't mesh well this semester but we have one class together, at least. I played with the dog for a little, Sekoya [sp..?haha]. She's lots of fun. I had her chase me around the backyard but then she wanted to play bite me....definitely wasn't going to have that. Hahah. Then his mom finished cooking so we had some adobo which was really good to me. My bf is picky about his rice. Then we snugged & watched Die Hard II. I realized a lot of movies I saw as a kid I really don't remember them...Then we watched some GS Warriors!! During the 2nd&3rd qtr we cleaned his car. Sadly I had to go after that so I didn't even finish the game on t.v. I just listened through the radio. They lost. Had a long drive back home. I really hate leaving Hollister. Although it does seem small & probably boring...hahah, nah. It's b/c he's there. I wish we lived closer together. I feel comfortable there. & I like his mom. His sister & her bf too although I haven't talked too much with them but they're pretty nice.

I do have bad news as of today but all I want to think about is how good today was. & Hopefully stays.

clean up clean up.

Yeah. I've been using pictures to substitute for the words that I can't seem to find. Or just indolent with writing. I think I'm stuck in a wordless pit. I lack the fluidness I once had with words. Hopefully I fix it soon seeing as most of my classes this semester involve massive amounts of writing and reading. I actually will have to read for my other classes. My first semester in a while without a science class or lab. The waterworks were on almost full blast last night for stupid self-loathing reasons that I really shouldn't have entertained. I'm glad you were there for me but I felt like I just wasted time. & Sleep. Now with a clear head, okay not clear seeing as I still have all these thoughts in my head, but in a more stable emotional state, I know I'm still cleaning up. Got cleaning up to do. I just hate that the person I love has to deal with my mess. I'm never really satisfied. I'm extremely flawed. But whenever I come to accept myself with my flaws, someone's always got to have a problem with it. (usually my family). I need God. I know I do but I'm being stubborn. I don't know what it is but I'm lost. I can't find reason, & my faith is really weak. I wish I could blame this on the hormones & maybe that's just it. Cluttered desk indicates cluttered mind.

one reason for today.

I did crave ice cream at one point...then I wanted fruits. Then I didn't know.
So I ended up getting a chocolate moo'd with strawberries from Jamba.
I wasted 4.25 because I didn't even finish it.

when your mind is a mess so is mine i can't sleep.

This is only mid-day. But I doubt it's going to get any better.

mmmm

I've got that goooood love :)

Little,Safe,Sound.

***I spelled silhouette wrong down there in my previous post. Oh well.
Funny how I aspired for the previous post's picture. But today I miss being this small. This young. I'm caught in the messy middle between kid & grown. I'm not grown. I'm not a lot of good things. & He's right. I only want to be independent but I'm not. His words sting the most, mainly because he's always right.
So today I miss being this small.

Silouette

I typed in silouette photography & this photo came up.
Inspiring, because metaphorically I wish I could face life
with the boldness & grace this picture exemplifies.

that's what you get when you let you're heart win.

paramore!

I have this knot twisting feeling in my stomach. It's so disturbing I wish I was throwing up instead. At least it'd all come out.

Anway, today in abnormal psychology we diagnosed characters from Winnie the Pooh. The teacher actually read us a short Winnie the Pooh story book. It's probably obvious that Tiggr has ADHD. Piglet has some kind of anxiety order. Eeyore is also an obvious case---major depression. Pooh sadly is developmentally delayed. We didn't do the other characters, but we also did Christopher Robin who is actually normal compared to the others. Then again he's the kid talking to animals...so the teacher suggested that he's a victim of being physically or emotionally abused that he created the world of Pooh where he separates characters with his own demons. Upsetting that a childhood story has been torn to pieces with knowledge as the culprit...It could be true though it all kind of makes sense.

I was talking to a good friend today, about trust issues. It's just one of those things where you wish you were little & could go and believe whatever you want to believe. I mean that's the beauty of childhood, but sadly, you don't realize how good you had it as a kid until you get older. Believing in everything was ideal. Hopefull. Thinking everything in the world is simple but as you age you realize everything really isn't. Then all our ideal perceptions become skewed by reality. Learn to be smart by questioning the validity of almost everything. It sucks but I don't think we can help it...

I need to be more busy. I hate not working! I hate that my day isn't all day at school now that I have all the free time in the world. All this idle time is really not good for me.
I don't sleep well at night because of all my stupid stupid stupid thoughts that I don't want to unload anywhere else but my pillow. But I like to blame it on the jetlagg so my relatives don't think I have issues going on in my head.

up & down up & down , what is it going to be...
I can't be that selfish craving consistency.

changes ?

so I watched the Obama Inauguration eariler thanks to the boyfriend for waking me up. I'm glad he did though. Although for the first 5 mins of me watching it I was out of it, still waking up and all. I know it was a historical inauguration but for some reason it just felt like another speech. Maybe because I was sleepy or who knows.
It's funny how we are living another person's page from a future history book. It doesn't feel any different or special. You know how you read history books and go "damn, I wonder what it was like..." Well, the night Obama did win the presidency I did feel like it really was an important day. I'm just curious to see how it will all play out. He does have a lot of tasks he wants to complete but I'm not trying to get my hopes up because I'm sure whatever change will happen will, just slowly.

This year's theme does seem to be change. A lot of people I know are all exhibiting the same aspirations for change in their own life. I know I am. It will take a while but a shot is better than no shot at all I'm guessing.
I was talking to a friend the other days ago...and I didn't know he read this but he asked me if I was "Ok," seeing as most my entries are somewhat sad. hahaha...I didn't realize so I should stop being so sad or worried about certain things. & Just let things go.

I'll be turning 21 soon. I'm excited. There's that thing about "doing it big for the 2-1" but that was the hype for 18 too. I plan on doing it real big when I'm out of the house but for now, I'll be fine if I can go out for at least 2 nights. Drink. Party. That's all. I guess we'll see where I'll be when I turn 25---that's when I plan on having a big celebration because by then I definitely should be graduated. Or even sooner, if I transfer to another school to do a nursing program.

I want to transfer just to get out of this house. & to finish sooner. I really can't wait.
I watched Bride Wars this past weekend, with my boyfriend but the movie is probably one you'd rather watch with girlfriends. I just felt bad we had to watch that because Gran Torino was full. Anyway. It was a cute movie, for girlfriends wise. It made me miss mine. But I guess we get our boyfriends & go our separate ways. Not really but all the time we had for each other we don't anymore. Just growing up I guess. I love my boyfriend too but I can't expect him to do the girl talk thing with me all the time...but that's what husbands will be for I suppose. If I even get married hahaha.

I can't wait for school. & I want the cold weather to come back! I miss the rain. Even just for a little.
Mmmmk I don't know what there is to do but I'll find something.

>120

I went running with my brother earlier...my breathing is so off.
He wants us to do a marathon near the end of this year...hahaha.Let's see how that goes.
Or doesn't.
I've gotta aim for something. Nursing program! I am slacking, if I don't get accepted I probably deserved it!
So I've started my process for change. Some progress is better than none!
I wanted to repaint my room right but I think I'm going to save it when I need drastic change (or saving). We'll see.
Sunny California...seriously? I should be embracing the sun but instead I'm disappointed because I've been anticipating rain since I left Japan. My body is tripping out with the weather change. & I'm so jetlagged!! I only slept for 3 hours today. I'm sleepy but I need to fight it so I can sleep tonight.
Alright, got a room to clean out & Rikku proof.
Happy Fridayy :)

445am

Now I think about it & I've realized it was just one of those things meant to be just short & sweet.
Fun while it was though.
Man, I'm still not done packing.

you give me something...

hahaha. At first I was excited to leave but I'm actually looking forward to coming back this summer. But I still don't know if I can or not but I just might have found a reason to come back, had a great night with good company & umeshuuuuu. beef bowl for breakfast too. can't beat it.
& one of those really good singing voices, --- ridiculously good. the kind that makes your whole body radiate with feel good vibes that you don't ever want to fade. that goooood. rich. deep.
i'm leaving tomorrow...sad because i'll miss home all over again. at least i'm coming home to someone which is nice. i missed him so much.
alright best get to some packing.

Cause it's gonna sting me when I leave this town

Breakdown-Jack Johnson

I can't believe I'm leaving soon. I'm lightweight excited.
I can feel lots of changes about to take place & honestly I am anxious. You know that feeling that eats you up on the inside & you don't know whether to sleep or not, to eat or not...bad vibes are hard to shake. Let alone ignore.
I keep telling myself "bigger picture...."
The bigger picture is that I love my parents more than anything. Even if they seriously piss me off & drive me near insanity. The bigger picture is not always taking but giving something in return. It's 4 years I'll be done & life will eventually be more fun. It's potential heartbreak but knowing it won't be the end of the earth. It's losing what I really want now but reaping the more valuable benefits later. The bigger picture can't be all that bad. Even if it sucks right now it really can not be all that bad.
I had a lot of time with my family. I know I didn't go out much but I might not come back in the summertime. It all depends on how school goes & if I get accepted to the nursing program or not.
I seriously can not wait until 4 years pass by. I'm near desperate to be done.
Bigger picture...bigger picture.

One of my best friends turned 21 today :)

She's one of the people in my life that I'll never have to worry about judging me.
Although we can't always be there for each other because of distance, our relationship has been based upon chemistry, understanding, & respect. Of course love too but that is a given. Hanging out with her after a year and a half has passed --- feels just the same as our years in high school. I really think if we lived in the same area my life would be better, but just being able to see her & talk to her makes life better.
I was feeling anxious for the past few days because I had a bad feeling about this year. But after spending time with her I've realized that as long as I have good people in my life I really shouldn't be worried about feeling alone. Or misunderstood. I'm thankful for her in my life. She's a strong person & I hope she knows she inspires me.

Time to grow:
I've come to just accept that as long as my parents are still providing for me I should respect what they want from me. So, for the next 3-4 years I'm trying to promise myself to do what makes them happy, because they deserve it. They don't deserve the bullshit I've been giving for the past 2 years. I'm definitely not ready to cut ties and try living on my own. I have way more humility than that; to know I can't survive right now without them. That I'm blessed to even have them supporting me & the least I should do is follow their expectations without complaint. It was embarrassing to know that my aunt&uncle always complained about me. I could own up to that because I know I acted careless. I can own up to my flaws & faults but I hope I can change. So, I'm going to grow up & suck it up. Rules...& actually follow them. 2009 time for more growth.

I know I don't have faith to make mountains fall right now...but at least I have & know love to make me something at all. So maybe I'll get somewhere.

"I give but you hope in return I'd never be the one to burn"

Take Cover-Acceptance

Mm. I told him most of what I really need to...but I want face time. So I'll wait for face time.
A friend of mine told me I need to put it all out there. All out there.

So, I saw this movie today. Which I thought was intensely moving. But I don't want to mention the title just yet. Just a thought.
Here it is:
Let's say you needed a new heart. There's a donor and you undergo surgery to get the new heart. It works perfectly fine & your body doesn't reject it at all. But the donor was someone you had loved. How would you feel after?
I really wouldn't know how to feel. But just thinking about it makes me sad.
Questions like that make me realize I should pay attention to the bigger picture of life instead of situations that really aren't perplexed as I make them to be.

I've never experienced death of a close one first hand---when I say that I mean I've never been in the place at the time. When my grandpa's passed away I was in here in Japan. I couldn't go to my paternal grandpa's funeral because I didn't want to leave my mom & baby geo (who was only 4 months old at the time) alone & my dad took Ivan with him to the P.I. My mom's dad passed away & to this day it is my only regret. My only serious regret---that I did not go. I was a senior in high school & had exams coming up I had to take. Looking back 3 years later I want to go back tell myself that all that didn't matter but being there for my mom did. Those exams didn't even matter. I wish I had spent more time with my grandpas. I remember my Lolo Piring (paternal)was a big man who had these very kind eyes & a forgiving smile. He never said much though, or I was too young to remember. I do remember one late night when I was 6 years old (in Oxnard, Ca) that he had visited us. He gave me this white teddy bear that at the time was really big. I wish I knew where it was today. My Lolo Tony was on the learner side with delicate gray hair, a face easily cracked with a smile or laugh, and eyes that made you think harder than you really had to. He was into stock markets, tennis & boxing.
Both my Lolo's were very intelligent men (hah I know, Ivan & Geo got all the goods right). I wish I was more mature then to have gotten to know them better.
Both my Lola's are strong women though. They keep busy & importantly their faith in God really is what keeps them up. I'm proud to be their apo (grandchild). & Someday I do hope I make them proud too.

"what comes to mind, put those behind, love your design."

Right Back to You-Eric Roberson

I see that my titles are pretty boring. I'll probably just be putting song lyrics.
I watched Made of Honor for the second time. The first time I watched it bymyself. Yeah, bymyself!
I thought it was normal to go see a movie alone. I was single at the time...I'm pretty sure of it...& going to a movie alone was nice. Most times I don't mind doing things alone. I like solo train rides, with the rain pouring out, dark out, & music in my ears. That's always nice too.

I hate laundry. But I should get back to it because I'm running out of clothes.

fix that

I've got shit to fiiix
Kind of like new years resolutions except I probably need this for life.

- pay my bills on time! oh my gahd my dental bill. credit card bill.
- need to be more attentive to where I spend my money.
- do need to lose weight ahaha you'll find that on almost anyone's list.
- need be more on point about things & stop forgetting shit that ends up getting me in trouble (like locking the door..& feeding my dog.)
- realized I do need to sell my dog because I can't keep up with her around. Sad...but true.
-keep my shit straight (car!/room/school)
-stop smoking; shameful i know. I've made progress though.
-i know i should have something up here about my faith but i'm having a spiritual tantrum right now. let's hope He still loves me.

I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I've been doing that a lot lately. See, being home is good for the first two weeks then after that I start to get the stress that my parents have bottled up for 6 months that they don't see me. I've got the same old bullshit going on from them & it's not really worth writing about. I'm tired of it though & I really just want to be done with school so I can move far away from everyone. Sounds extreme but I'm really tired of it. Really tired. It's selfish I know. My mom said I should be thankful for having someone watch over me in the states...I'm 20 years old why would I be thankful for that. It's like telling me to be thankful I live in a fucking cage. So yeah, I did have an ice mint today.

I want to repaint the room when I get back to the states. Red is driving me crazy.

what i want to tell you

so i'm going to do that thing.
that thing where you write what you want to say to someone(s).

*i really wish i could have it my way but that would make me spoiled. i'm upset with these standards & expectations but i will do what makes you happy. but in a few years don't act like you don't know where this resentment came from. i hate to think that i'd harbor resentment for you.

*i hate that for the past few days the moments i catch you are brief. i miss you, terribly so. it still makes me sick that you have this hold & that each time i try to reassure myself it is okay & you're safe. i wish i was so confident in myself but i'm not. i wish i felt more secure. but i have some insecurities that do eat at me.
the thing is i should never have to try & convince myself you're safe. & i wish i never had to feel that i'm pulling more right now. i really don't want to be the same girl i was a year and some ago.

*i wish we were still best friends. because there were so many times that i needed you. but you have your own & you'll never have to need me. you never needed me. because there was always her. there was always her.

sunday

Running into old friends unexpectedly is always a nice thing.
The guy sitting out with a box of corona by the commissary said my name & my first thought was "who the hell..?" he took off his shades & was an old friend from high school (graduated 04? or 03..) but it's been a long time since I've seen him. It's funny how time passes & people mature. I didn't have a phone on me but I ended up using my eyeliner & old receipt.
& Last night my auntie from Atsugi came to visit. She is like another mom to me, I'm always excited to see her when I come back. We'll be staying there this coming Friday I hope. I'm really looking forward to that.
A friend of mine & I were on the phone last talk talking about the stupid surveys I do on myspace. I know why I do those...mainly I'm starved for conversation aka I'm really bored. I like company sometimes. Okay, most times.
It's a new year...but I know I still have shit from last year on me.
Okay, I'm out. My mom's trying to get me to do nails with her...& watch Grey's Anatomy.
Anything works if it keeps my mind off the clock.
Anything I guess works if it keeps me occuppied from what I really want...
I just...want to talk to you.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year :)
I had a pretty good New Years Eve...with my family & our family friends. Very festive, very fun.
We celebrated at our house & then our friends slept over. Church in the morning. Brunch again at our house. Then we took the train to Kamakura & just enjoyed the Japanese festivities going on. The line to the temple was hellaa long so we just walked around & ate some japanese food...which i would come to vomit out later that evening. Not fun!
So around 9-11 pm I just kept throwing up.. & it was painful. So I figured it was just food poisoning but my mom & friend wanted me to go to the ER...so we did. So we were at the ER from 11-4 am. I ended up having to get a CT scan. So, not only did I have food poisoning, my intestine & stomach were inflammed. & My appendix is slight bigger than normal but not big enough to have to surgically remove it. So I spent majority of today in pain, in bed, & at the most discomfort I've ever felt. I'm sick of crackers, jello, & gatorade. I couldn't even watch TV until my headache went away. But I'm glad most of that is all over with. I'm still recovering but I'm not vomiting anymore.
I realized I'll be going back to Cali in 12 days? I'm kind of excited. Kind of not. I'm going to miss home again, & I don't even know if I'll be back in the summer time. My parents don't want to pay if I'll only be back for a little while. But I don't want to stay here the whole summer.
Anyway.
While sick and miserable there was no one I wanted to speak to more than the one person who was pretty much unavailable the whole day. It's okay I understand, it was New Year's Day back in states. I thought talking with him for even 10 minutes would have made me feel better but I'm pretty sure the little times I did catch him today add up to 10 minutes. It's okay though, you can't expect someone to be there for you all the time. It sucks but that is the truth of it right. It's just the time I really needed him the most.
I called up a good friend yesterday to greet Happy New Year...We used to be so fluid but now it feels awkward. It makes me sad when I think about all the friendships I have and how far we've come to drift. Maybe it is me? Maybe I'm not that great of a friend either. I don't know.
I feel lonely. Disappointed. Stupid. I'm just moody. I'm going to try and get some more rest.