I want positive.

I want to find positive things. I seriously want to be at least content. Happy seems like too much to ask.
No, I'm happy when I'm with my friends & boyfriend. Am I selfish right now to not want to be around family?
I should be thankful I even have a family. I am. But I'm still angry.

Positive things in my life:
+ I have a family that cares for me.
- they care too much, if that's even possible.
+ I have good friends who put up with my bullshiz. & Are great people to be around.
+ I have a boyfriend who loves me. I think. jk.
+ I'm in college.
+ I have decent grades.
+ Oh yeah, I have a dog.
+ I'm in a house and not on the street.
+ I have a car to drive.
+ I don't have cancer. or any serious life threatening disease.
+ I think God loves me.
+ I don't have any physical disabilities. I can see, hear, taste, touch, smell. Bodily functions & vitals are relatively normal.
+ I live in California and not Texas or a third world country.
+ I have access to clean, running water.
+ We have a new president that I got to vote for.
+ I think I have a good head on my shoulders. Maybe.

Things I wish were better:
- I really wish I didn't have rules. I'm sorry I don't think I'm ever going to let it go.
- I do wish I heard "i love you" everynight. it makes it easier to sleep. it would be nice if I was up there, somehow.
- I wish I wasn't so emotionally retarded. I feel like Meredith Grey and her needless amount of issues.
- I wish I was excited for my own birthday. But there's not much to be excited for.
- I wish I could be more honest & speak my mind to those that I need to.
- I wish I walked with my face to the world rather than the ground.
- I wish I didn't feel so lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if something is really wrong with me, uhm. emotionally. It's sad because now I don't know if I have a right to feel what I want because most of my life my dad would criticize me for feeling, for being sensitive.
I wonder if he'll ever come to accept me for who I am & stop trying to change me.
My good guy friend was right earlier, I'm acting like such a girl.
Or maybe its the pill. I don't know anymore. These nights are getting old.

One more positive:
+ damn near quitting & getting back in shape.