I doubt with all of me that he misses me. But I chose this. I cut him. Right?
I wouldn't have though if I hadn't felt neglected. If I had felt love back, I definitely would not have cut him. If he had given me any kind of sign
that I was worth keeping, that I was worth...more than something. But the truth is, I didn't.
The truth is I was not worth it to him. I was not worth the phone calls, the little things...I was not worth it to him.
Truth is he wasn't worth another chance either. He wasn't worth the pain, the tears, the loneliness.
The more important truth is, I know I am worth the little things and then some. I never needed him to supply, I just needed supplement. Different things. I did need him to show that he loved me, but that of course, was probably asking too much.
So he could have been a catch, but I am too. For someone else.
Seven days single and it is looking up. Really single. There's no talking with him or with anyone else (too soon for that anyway). There are no prospects. & Eventually, there will be no missing...with time.
I told him I was going to take care of myself so I need to buck down and do it. I admit I've been in a blue funk for the past few days so I finally broke down yesterday. Keeping in the emotions for a few days finally erupted. It was chilling in my gut in a tight ball but it's been released. And it is okay now. I cleaned up. I got my schedule down. I'll be focused.
I want to say that I'm through with guys. I said that and looked what happened, so in all honesty, there's no telling.
But I do need to focus and remember nobody can take of myself better than myself, and of course the Main Man.
Emotionally unavailable. I'm in construction building up stronger walls. Stronger walls that hopefully won't get knocked down by sweet words or courteous actions. Because they are all the same.
I should have known it wouldn't have lasted. The little things he gave never carried on. That it was all a play to get well, let's say he did get what he wanted.
Not to say I didn't.
But I was always the one to want more. I was the one who loved more. It's painful but at least I do know I can love. More importantly at least I know when to let go. So...I'm slowly but surely healing.
I'm not afraid of love but I won't be open to it for awhile. At least if I keep telling myself this it'll hopefully take effect.
I'm all cried out. I've been through waiting. I'm more than all ready to be alright.
Now the most important thing I've been waiting for: nursing application results. People have gotten their acceptance letters and I have yet to receive any news. If I don't get in it'll most likely break my heart but I have two more chances.
I really really really hope I get in.
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2 comments:
i just saw your comment on my blog :] i hate to break it to you, but i feel like it's something that's wrong with me that is not allowing me to feel anything about steve. i have my ups and downs about him, yeah, and i do miss him. i know my blogs are misleading because i only write them when i'm feeling ok. but i do miss him a lot of the time. and truth be told, i still have not had a real emotional release. i haven't had a good cry. and i think it's coming, and when it comes, it won't be good. i guess i'll just have to see.
but in any case, i know it's hard, but i'm so glad you're feeling better. and i'm glad to see that you know your worth, and that you deserve so much more than you've been getting.
keep your chin up, girl :] and look to God. without him, i think i would've crumbled by now.
alexi. we need to have one of those 4 hour convo via msn one of these days to catch up.
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