Halloween?

I get irritated sometimes in my Japanese class. There's this guy who never tries. He hardly pays attention & I just want to tell him to get out of there. He doesn't bother doing the assignments or try to learn and understand...uhmm...if you're going to take a language class you can't do nothing & expect to learn it. Its already a little more than half the semester...I was sitting there pretty agitated.
Ignorance is bliss for certain occasions, other times it is down right annoying.
I don't know maybe I was just having a bad trip this time.

Just got back from watching Pride & Glory with the bfriend. It was a good story but I wasn't partial to the ending.
For lack of better diction, it kinda blowed.
But good company & that's more than what I can ask for.
It didn't really feel like halloween today. I was just a spectator to the celebrators. I haven't been the spectator for this holiday in a while, I can't remember the last time I didn't do anything for halloween...since sophomore year tennis far east...i think we watched mystic river as a team...no we didn't. We watched Wrong Turn or something...the cannibal movie.

I need to start looking for tickets to Japan. We're not going to be funded by the government this trip back so my parents have to pay.
On top of them potentially getting us an apartment.
On top of them possibly getting us macbooks...
Ugh. I don't want a macbook anymore thinking about it. I feel terrible.
I honestly now understand the term "military brat." At least I think I do. If the intended definition of a military brat embodies the idea of being spoiled...
I never liked to be regarded as spoiled because I want to know that I've somehow earned what I have. That I have a right to have I have.
But not living within the confinements and regulations of a military base has really opened my eyes.
Living on an American base back in Japan is only a miniscule fraction of what life in the states is like.
I don't know if it's the environment or if it was the childhood-adolescence or even the combination of both, that compared to being a young adult in America, was a lot easier.
Or maybe it was my upbringing.
I never had to work to survive. Still don't. My parents do pay for pretty much everything, aside from my personal goods/gas/food. But they pay for car/insurance/books.
I don't even have to work. I could quit if I wanted to. Well, everyone's telling me to quit since I don't appear to handle the pressure. & It's true, I'm handling it but in the bitchyass way possible.
One of my flaws is I tend to complain...even when it is my fault. It's idiotic really.
My best friend told me if this is what I want, I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't show that I'm struggling.
18 credits & 12-16 hours tops of work a week=nothing to a lot of people.
Why do I always find myself measuring to other people's standards?
I measure myself under my parents, relatives, of course friends & yes, occassionally the sig.other. It's a natural thing.
Why can't I make myself see that other peoples opinions shouldn't matter to what I want for myself.
I put other peoples expectations for me above from what I expect from myself. I think maybe that could be why I always feel inadequate. I can't remember the last time I felt good to be who I am on my own terms. I mold myself to different influences. Unless my parents/relatives/friends said something good. But even then I tend to want to deny any form of compliments because I have a problem believing it.
I envy those who have strong & bold personalities. The kind that go after what they want. Aren't passive agressive. Who don't let shit slide if they are displeased. Who are never the door mat. I wish I had a little of what they have.
Whatever strength I have inside of me, is buried deep & only surfaces under deep pain or anger. "Beast mode," as my best friend says.
Anyway, I'm going to eat a kit kat in celebration for halloween haha.
jyaa ne.