one fine saturday

I went to Hollister today to visit my bf. It was a good time although it was only for four hours. Our schedules don't mesh well this semester but we have one class together, at least. I played with the dog for a little, Sekoya [sp..?haha]. She's lots of fun. I had her chase me around the backyard but then she wanted to play bite me....definitely wasn't going to have that. Hahah. Then his mom finished cooking so we had some adobo which was really good to me. My bf is picky about his rice. Then we snugged & watched Die Hard II. I realized a lot of movies I saw as a kid I really don't remember them...Then we watched some GS Warriors!! During the 2nd&3rd qtr we cleaned his car. Sadly I had to go after that so I didn't even finish the game on t.v. I just listened through the radio. They lost. Had a long drive back home. I really hate leaving Hollister. Although it does seem small & probably boring...hahah, nah. It's b/c he's there. I wish we lived closer together. I feel comfortable there. & I like his mom. His sister & her bf too although I haven't talked too much with them but they're pretty nice.

I do have bad news as of today but all I want to think about is how good today was. & Hopefully stays.

clean up clean up.

Yeah. I've been using pictures to substitute for the words that I can't seem to find. Or just indolent with writing. I think I'm stuck in a wordless pit. I lack the fluidness I once had with words. Hopefully I fix it soon seeing as most of my classes this semester involve massive amounts of writing and reading. I actually will have to read for my other classes. My first semester in a while without a science class or lab. The waterworks were on almost full blast last night for stupid self-loathing reasons that I really shouldn't have entertained. I'm glad you were there for me but I felt like I just wasted time. & Sleep. Now with a clear head, okay not clear seeing as I still have all these thoughts in my head, but in a more stable emotional state, I know I'm still cleaning up. Got cleaning up to do. I just hate that the person I love has to deal with my mess. I'm never really satisfied. I'm extremely flawed. But whenever I come to accept myself with my flaws, someone's always got to have a problem with it. (usually my family). I need God. I know I do but I'm being stubborn. I don't know what it is but I'm lost. I can't find reason, & my faith is really weak. I wish I could blame this on the hormones & maybe that's just it. Cluttered desk indicates cluttered mind.

one reason for today.

I did crave ice cream at one point...then I wanted fruits. Then I didn't know.
So I ended up getting a chocolate moo'd with strawberries from Jamba.
I wasted 4.25 because I didn't even finish it.

when your mind is a mess so is mine i can't sleep.

This is only mid-day. But I doubt it's going to get any better.

mmmm

I've got that goooood love :)

Little,Safe,Sound.

***I spelled silhouette wrong down there in my previous post. Oh well.
Funny how I aspired for the previous post's picture. But today I miss being this small. This young. I'm caught in the messy middle between kid & grown. I'm not grown. I'm not a lot of good things. & He's right. I only want to be independent but I'm not. His words sting the most, mainly because he's always right.
So today I miss being this small.

Silouette

I typed in silouette photography & this photo came up.
Inspiring, because metaphorically I wish I could face life
with the boldness & grace this picture exemplifies.

that's what you get when you let you're heart win.

paramore!

I have this knot twisting feeling in my stomach. It's so disturbing I wish I was throwing up instead. At least it'd all come out.

Anway, today in abnormal psychology we diagnosed characters from Winnie the Pooh. The teacher actually read us a short Winnie the Pooh story book. It's probably obvious that Tiggr has ADHD. Piglet has some kind of anxiety order. Eeyore is also an obvious case---major depression. Pooh sadly is developmentally delayed. We didn't do the other characters, but we also did Christopher Robin who is actually normal compared to the others. Then again he's the kid talking to animals...so the teacher suggested that he's a victim of being physically or emotionally abused that he created the world of Pooh where he separates characters with his own demons. Upsetting that a childhood story has been torn to pieces with knowledge as the culprit...It could be true though it all kind of makes sense.

I was talking to a good friend today, about trust issues. It's just one of those things where you wish you were little & could go and believe whatever you want to believe. I mean that's the beauty of childhood, but sadly, you don't realize how good you had it as a kid until you get older. Believing in everything was ideal. Hopefull. Thinking everything in the world is simple but as you age you realize everything really isn't. Then all our ideal perceptions become skewed by reality. Learn to be smart by questioning the validity of almost everything. It sucks but I don't think we can help it...

I need to be more busy. I hate not working! I hate that my day isn't all day at school now that I have all the free time in the world. All this idle time is really not good for me.
I don't sleep well at night because of all my stupid stupid stupid thoughts that I don't want to unload anywhere else but my pillow. But I like to blame it on the jetlagg so my relatives don't think I have issues going on in my head.

up & down up & down , what is it going to be...
I can't be that selfish craving consistency.

changes ?

so I watched the Obama Inauguration eariler thanks to the boyfriend for waking me up. I'm glad he did though. Although for the first 5 mins of me watching it I was out of it, still waking up and all. I know it was a historical inauguration but for some reason it just felt like another speech. Maybe because I was sleepy or who knows.
It's funny how we are living another person's page from a future history book. It doesn't feel any different or special. You know how you read history books and go "damn, I wonder what it was like..." Well, the night Obama did win the presidency I did feel like it really was an important day. I'm just curious to see how it will all play out. He does have a lot of tasks he wants to complete but I'm not trying to get my hopes up because I'm sure whatever change will happen will, just slowly.

This year's theme does seem to be change. A lot of people I know are all exhibiting the same aspirations for change in their own life. I know I am. It will take a while but a shot is better than no shot at all I'm guessing.
I was talking to a friend the other days ago...and I didn't know he read this but he asked me if I was "Ok," seeing as most my entries are somewhat sad. hahaha...I didn't realize so I should stop being so sad or worried about certain things. & Just let things go.

I'll be turning 21 soon. I'm excited. There's that thing about "doing it big for the 2-1" but that was the hype for 18 too. I plan on doing it real big when I'm out of the house but for now, I'll be fine if I can go out for at least 2 nights. Drink. Party. That's all. I guess we'll see where I'll be when I turn 25---that's when I plan on having a big celebration because by then I definitely should be graduated. Or even sooner, if I transfer to another school to do a nursing program.

I want to transfer just to get out of this house. & to finish sooner. I really can't wait.
I watched Bride Wars this past weekend, with my boyfriend but the movie is probably one you'd rather watch with girlfriends. I just felt bad we had to watch that because Gran Torino was full. Anyway. It was a cute movie, for girlfriends wise. It made me miss mine. But I guess we get our boyfriends & go our separate ways. Not really but all the time we had for each other we don't anymore. Just growing up I guess. I love my boyfriend too but I can't expect him to do the girl talk thing with me all the time...but that's what husbands will be for I suppose. If I even get married hahaha.

I can't wait for school. & I want the cold weather to come back! I miss the rain. Even just for a little.
Mmmmk I don't know what there is to do but I'll find something.

>120

I went running with my brother earlier...my breathing is so off.
He wants us to do a marathon near the end of this year...hahaha.Let's see how that goes.
Or doesn't.
I've gotta aim for something. Nursing program! I am slacking, if I don't get accepted I probably deserved it!
So I've started my process for change. Some progress is better than none!
I wanted to repaint my room right but I think I'm going to save it when I need drastic change (or saving). We'll see.
Sunny California...seriously? I should be embracing the sun but instead I'm disappointed because I've been anticipating rain since I left Japan. My body is tripping out with the weather change. & I'm so jetlagged!! I only slept for 3 hours today. I'm sleepy but I need to fight it so I can sleep tonight.
Alright, got a room to clean out & Rikku proof.
Happy Fridayy :)

445am

Now I think about it & I've realized it was just one of those things meant to be just short & sweet.
Fun while it was though.
Man, I'm still not done packing.

you give me something...

hahaha. At first I was excited to leave but I'm actually looking forward to coming back this summer. But I still don't know if I can or not but I just might have found a reason to come back, had a great night with good company & umeshuuuuu. beef bowl for breakfast too. can't beat it.
& one of those really good singing voices, --- ridiculously good. the kind that makes your whole body radiate with feel good vibes that you don't ever want to fade. that goooood. rich. deep.
i'm leaving tomorrow...sad because i'll miss home all over again. at least i'm coming home to someone which is nice. i missed him so much.
alright best get to some packing.

Cause it's gonna sting me when I leave this town

Breakdown-Jack Johnson

I can't believe I'm leaving soon. I'm lightweight excited.
I can feel lots of changes about to take place & honestly I am anxious. You know that feeling that eats you up on the inside & you don't know whether to sleep or not, to eat or not...bad vibes are hard to shake. Let alone ignore.
I keep telling myself "bigger picture...."
The bigger picture is that I love my parents more than anything. Even if they seriously piss me off & drive me near insanity. The bigger picture is not always taking but giving something in return. It's 4 years I'll be done & life will eventually be more fun. It's potential heartbreak but knowing it won't be the end of the earth. It's losing what I really want now but reaping the more valuable benefits later. The bigger picture can't be all that bad. Even if it sucks right now it really can not be all that bad.
I had a lot of time with my family. I know I didn't go out much but I might not come back in the summertime. It all depends on how school goes & if I get accepted to the nursing program or not.
I seriously can not wait until 4 years pass by. I'm near desperate to be done.
Bigger picture...bigger picture.

One of my best friends turned 21 today :)

She's one of the people in my life that I'll never have to worry about judging me.
Although we can't always be there for each other because of distance, our relationship has been based upon chemistry, understanding, & respect. Of course love too but that is a given. Hanging out with her after a year and a half has passed --- feels just the same as our years in high school. I really think if we lived in the same area my life would be better, but just being able to see her & talk to her makes life better.
I was feeling anxious for the past few days because I had a bad feeling about this year. But after spending time with her I've realized that as long as I have good people in my life I really shouldn't be worried about feeling alone. Or misunderstood. I'm thankful for her in my life. She's a strong person & I hope she knows she inspires me.

Time to grow:
I've come to just accept that as long as my parents are still providing for me I should respect what they want from me. So, for the next 3-4 years I'm trying to promise myself to do what makes them happy, because they deserve it. They don't deserve the bullshit I've been giving for the past 2 years. I'm definitely not ready to cut ties and try living on my own. I have way more humility than that; to know I can't survive right now without them. That I'm blessed to even have them supporting me & the least I should do is follow their expectations without complaint. It was embarrassing to know that my aunt&uncle always complained about me. I could own up to that because I know I acted careless. I can own up to my flaws & faults but I hope I can change. So, I'm going to grow up & suck it up. Rules...& actually follow them. 2009 time for more growth.

I know I don't have faith to make mountains fall right now...but at least I have & know love to make me something at all. So maybe I'll get somewhere.

"I give but you hope in return I'd never be the one to burn"

Take Cover-Acceptance

Mm. I told him most of what I really need to...but I want face time. So I'll wait for face time.
A friend of mine told me I need to put it all out there. All out there.

So, I saw this movie today. Which I thought was intensely moving. But I don't want to mention the title just yet. Just a thought.
Here it is:
Let's say you needed a new heart. There's a donor and you undergo surgery to get the new heart. It works perfectly fine & your body doesn't reject it at all. But the donor was someone you had loved. How would you feel after?
I really wouldn't know how to feel. But just thinking about it makes me sad.
Questions like that make me realize I should pay attention to the bigger picture of life instead of situations that really aren't perplexed as I make them to be.

I've never experienced death of a close one first hand---when I say that I mean I've never been in the place at the time. When my grandpa's passed away I was in here in Japan. I couldn't go to my paternal grandpa's funeral because I didn't want to leave my mom & baby geo (who was only 4 months old at the time) alone & my dad took Ivan with him to the P.I. My mom's dad passed away & to this day it is my only regret. My only serious regret---that I did not go. I was a senior in high school & had exams coming up I had to take. Looking back 3 years later I want to go back tell myself that all that didn't matter but being there for my mom did. Those exams didn't even matter. I wish I had spent more time with my grandpas. I remember my Lolo Piring (paternal)was a big man who had these very kind eyes & a forgiving smile. He never said much though, or I was too young to remember. I do remember one late night when I was 6 years old (in Oxnard, Ca) that he had visited us. He gave me this white teddy bear that at the time was really big. I wish I knew where it was today. My Lolo Tony was on the learner side with delicate gray hair, a face easily cracked with a smile or laugh, and eyes that made you think harder than you really had to. He was into stock markets, tennis & boxing.
Both my Lolo's were very intelligent men (hah I know, Ivan & Geo got all the goods right). I wish I was more mature then to have gotten to know them better.
Both my Lola's are strong women though. They keep busy & importantly their faith in God really is what keeps them up. I'm proud to be their apo (grandchild). & Someday I do hope I make them proud too.

"what comes to mind, put those behind, love your design."

Right Back to You-Eric Roberson

I see that my titles are pretty boring. I'll probably just be putting song lyrics.
I watched Made of Honor for the second time. The first time I watched it bymyself. Yeah, bymyself!
I thought it was normal to go see a movie alone. I was single at the time...I'm pretty sure of it...& going to a movie alone was nice. Most times I don't mind doing things alone. I like solo train rides, with the rain pouring out, dark out, & music in my ears. That's always nice too.

I hate laundry. But I should get back to it because I'm running out of clothes.

fix that

I've got shit to fiiix
Kind of like new years resolutions except I probably need this for life.

- pay my bills on time! oh my gahd my dental bill. credit card bill.
- need to be more attentive to where I spend my money.
- do need to lose weight ahaha you'll find that on almost anyone's list.
- need be more on point about things & stop forgetting shit that ends up getting me in trouble (like locking the door..& feeding my dog.)
- realized I do need to sell my dog because I can't keep up with her around. Sad...but true.
-keep my shit straight (car!/room/school)
-stop smoking; shameful i know. I've made progress though.
-i know i should have something up here about my faith but i'm having a spiritual tantrum right now. let's hope He still loves me.

I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I've been doing that a lot lately. See, being home is good for the first two weeks then after that I start to get the stress that my parents have bottled up for 6 months that they don't see me. I've got the same old bullshit going on from them & it's not really worth writing about. I'm tired of it though & I really just want to be done with school so I can move far away from everyone. Sounds extreme but I'm really tired of it. Really tired. It's selfish I know. My mom said I should be thankful for having someone watch over me in the states...I'm 20 years old why would I be thankful for that. It's like telling me to be thankful I live in a fucking cage. So yeah, I did have an ice mint today.

I want to repaint the room when I get back to the states. Red is driving me crazy.

what i want to tell you

so i'm going to do that thing.
that thing where you write what you want to say to someone(s).

*i really wish i could have it my way but that would make me spoiled. i'm upset with these standards & expectations but i will do what makes you happy. but in a few years don't act like you don't know where this resentment came from. i hate to think that i'd harbor resentment for you.

*i hate that for the past few days the moments i catch you are brief. i miss you, terribly so. it still makes me sick that you have this hold & that each time i try to reassure myself it is okay & you're safe. i wish i was so confident in myself but i'm not. i wish i felt more secure. but i have some insecurities that do eat at me.
the thing is i should never have to try & convince myself you're safe. & i wish i never had to feel that i'm pulling more right now. i really don't want to be the same girl i was a year and some ago.

*i wish we were still best friends. because there were so many times that i needed you. but you have your own & you'll never have to need me. you never needed me. because there was always her. there was always her.

sunday

Running into old friends unexpectedly is always a nice thing.
The guy sitting out with a box of corona by the commissary said my name & my first thought was "who the hell..?" he took off his shades & was an old friend from high school (graduated 04? or 03..) but it's been a long time since I've seen him. It's funny how time passes & people mature. I didn't have a phone on me but I ended up using my eyeliner & old receipt.
& Last night my auntie from Atsugi came to visit. She is like another mom to me, I'm always excited to see her when I come back. We'll be staying there this coming Friday I hope. I'm really looking forward to that.
A friend of mine & I were on the phone last talk talking about the stupid surveys I do on myspace. I know why I do those...mainly I'm starved for conversation aka I'm really bored. I like company sometimes. Okay, most times.
It's a new year...but I know I still have shit from last year on me.
Okay, I'm out. My mom's trying to get me to do nails with her...& watch Grey's Anatomy.
Anything works if it keeps my mind off the clock.
Anything I guess works if it keeps me occuppied from what I really want...
I just...want to talk to you.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year :)
I had a pretty good New Years Eve...with my family & our family friends. Very festive, very fun.
We celebrated at our house & then our friends slept over. Church in the morning. Brunch again at our house. Then we took the train to Kamakura & just enjoyed the Japanese festivities going on. The line to the temple was hellaa long so we just walked around & ate some japanese food...which i would come to vomit out later that evening. Not fun!
So around 9-11 pm I just kept throwing up.. & it was painful. So I figured it was just food poisoning but my mom & friend wanted me to go to the ER...so we did. So we were at the ER from 11-4 am. I ended up having to get a CT scan. So, not only did I have food poisoning, my intestine & stomach were inflammed. & My appendix is slight bigger than normal but not big enough to have to surgically remove it. So I spent majority of today in pain, in bed, & at the most discomfort I've ever felt. I'm sick of crackers, jello, & gatorade. I couldn't even watch TV until my headache went away. But I'm glad most of that is all over with. I'm still recovering but I'm not vomiting anymore.
I realized I'll be going back to Cali in 12 days? I'm kind of excited. Kind of not. I'm going to miss home again, & I don't even know if I'll be back in the summer time. My parents don't want to pay if I'll only be back for a little while. But I don't want to stay here the whole summer.
Anyway.
While sick and miserable there was no one I wanted to speak to more than the one person who was pretty much unavailable the whole day. It's okay I understand, it was New Year's Day back in states. I thought talking with him for even 10 minutes would have made me feel better but I'm pretty sure the little times I did catch him today add up to 10 minutes. It's okay though, you can't expect someone to be there for you all the time. It sucks but that is the truth of it right. It's just the time I really needed him the most.
I called up a good friend yesterday to greet Happy New Year...We used to be so fluid but now it feels awkward. It makes me sad when I think about all the friendships I have and how far we've come to drift. Maybe it is me? Maybe I'm not that great of a friend either. I don't know.
I feel lonely. Disappointed. Stupid. I'm just moody. I'm going to try and get some more rest.