hmmm.
i felt so sure...so positively sure.
but now..i felt like i threw away a good jacket because i felt i wouldn't have to need it.
but i need it now. i really need it now.
Monday, December 29, 2008
look what you've done-jet
this song reminds me of summer before senior year.
so, just had dinner with my family. i mean we have dinner every night but we discussed a topic on which i can't find a feeling to describe how i feel towards it.
i have different feelings regarding it.
so my dad had a tough time growing up. explaining when he had to live with his uncle he didn't recieve the benefits of going out & hanging out with friends or even eatting dinner with his uncles family. he didn't have money to pay to stay with his uncle so he would make up by doing excess chores such as cutting grass from 8am to 2pm (philippines circa 1980s? no money to buy lawn mower if they were even around then?) doing his uncle's family's laundry...pretty much the chores that a house maid would have. this is my dad's response to defend his opinion that my living with my aunt & uncle is no way a struggle for me. this is my dad's way of enforcing the value of sacrifice. but my situation is different isn't it? we pay to stay so i really don't understand why i'd have to do excess chores. i don't understand why i have to ask a day before if i want to go out. i don't even understand why i HAVE to ASK to go out. i'm sorry, i can't find reason enough to explain how these little stupid requirements isn't bullshit.
i feel bad that my dad had a rough past. it even makes me question the filipino values. in some aspects i'm ashamed.
i'm ashamed that the temperature of family is cold. i questioned why my uncle didn't take my dad in as his own & he says it's because my uncle looked down at my dad's family because they were poor. my parents explained that's how it is in the philippines. my dad explained that it wasn't until after he joined the military and started making money, that his uncle started to act nicer towards him. it makes me angry to think that's how superficial filipinos can be.
i'm ashamed that gossip is a pastime for filipino ladies that grew up in the philippines.
i'm ashamed that a lot of movies seem to mimic american movies.
i'm ashamed that they value the essence & even strive for white skin/lighter skin through soaps & lotions for a higher status instead of embracing their own & tracing their deeper roots.
i'm not completely ashamed of my culture but there are parts of it that grieves me to associate.
so, just had dinner with my family. i mean we have dinner every night but we discussed a topic on which i can't find a feeling to describe how i feel towards it.
i have different feelings regarding it.
so my dad had a tough time growing up. explaining when he had to live with his uncle he didn't recieve the benefits of going out & hanging out with friends or even eatting dinner with his uncles family. he didn't have money to pay to stay with his uncle so he would make up by doing excess chores such as cutting grass from 8am to 2pm (philippines circa 1980s? no money to buy lawn mower if they were even around then?) doing his uncle's family's laundry...pretty much the chores that a house maid would have. this is my dad's response to defend his opinion that my living with my aunt & uncle is no way a struggle for me. this is my dad's way of enforcing the value of sacrifice. but my situation is different isn't it? we pay to stay so i really don't understand why i'd have to do excess chores. i don't understand why i have to ask a day before if i want to go out. i don't even understand why i HAVE to ASK to go out. i'm sorry, i can't find reason enough to explain how these little stupid requirements isn't bullshit.
i feel bad that my dad had a rough past. it even makes me question the filipino values. in some aspects i'm ashamed.
i'm ashamed that the temperature of family is cold. i questioned why my uncle didn't take my dad in as his own & he says it's because my uncle looked down at my dad's family because they were poor. my parents explained that's how it is in the philippines. my dad explained that it wasn't until after he joined the military and started making money, that his uncle started to act nicer towards him. it makes me angry to think that's how superficial filipinos can be.
i'm ashamed that gossip is a pastime for filipino ladies that grew up in the philippines.
i'm ashamed that a lot of movies seem to mimic american movies.
i'm ashamed that they value the essence & even strive for white skin/lighter skin through soaps & lotions for a higher status instead of embracing their own & tracing their deeper roots.
i'm not completely ashamed of my culture but there are parts of it that grieves me to associate.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
if you leave-musiq & mjb
i have a feeling this would be one of my songs.
so last night was pretty fun. despite getting my glasses broken..but they're fixed now so its all good.
i haven't been drunk in a while & it was greeeaat. dancing with the ladies...we had to keep migrating on the dance floor to avoid creepy random guys. i was dancing and waving my hand with the ring on my ring finger like it said something but i don't think it said much aside from the obvious (druuuunk). its fun to be drunk with good company :) i didn't want to leave. i said bye to everyone we passed in the club. drunk japanese people are really friendly..then we were talking down motomachi & i just kept saying how much love my boyfriend. ridiculous. damn fool huh...sleeping on the train ride home is always nice too. the only thing i hate about going out is reeking of cigarette smoke & alcohol & sweat. but coming home,passing out, then waking up to shower feels really goood.
i wish i could love being home without worrying. i wish i had a tougher shell. i know i talk like i do but that's only in hopes that i could verbally convince myself. but stripped i know i'm nothing but soft. compassionate. vulnerable. weak.
"these buildings could drift out to sea,some natural catastrophe..still there's no place i'd rather be...coz nothing even matters to me"
damn it, seriously.
so last night was pretty fun. despite getting my glasses broken..but they're fixed now so its all good.
i haven't been drunk in a while & it was greeeaat. dancing with the ladies...we had to keep migrating on the dance floor to avoid creepy random guys. i was dancing and waving my hand with the ring on my ring finger like it said something but i don't think it said much aside from the obvious (druuuunk). its fun to be drunk with good company :) i didn't want to leave. i said bye to everyone we passed in the club. drunk japanese people are really friendly..then we were talking down motomachi & i just kept saying how much love my boyfriend. ridiculous. damn fool huh...sleeping on the train ride home is always nice too. the only thing i hate about going out is reeking of cigarette smoke & alcohol & sweat. but coming home,passing out, then waking up to shower feels really goood.
i wish i could love being home without worrying. i wish i had a tougher shell. i know i talk like i do but that's only in hopes that i could verbally convince myself. but stripped i know i'm nothing but soft. compassionate. vulnerable. weak.
"these buildings could drift out to sea,some natural catastrophe..still there's no place i'd rather be...coz nothing even matters to me"
damn it, seriously.
"sorry for the stupid things" babyface
i'm going out & i feel like i'm riding the parallel of sexy. i only have my glasses since i ruined my last pair of contacts. i don't get my new pair until the 8th. hahah, oh well. no one to impress anyway, but its nice to feel if i look good or not.
superficial of me i know.
dang. i think all i'll be doing is hanging out at the bar while my friends dance. i'm pretty sure that's how the night will play out.
last time i went out clubbing i was single. it was fun.
but i'd trade this night with a night with him & a movie.
or even better, it'd be nice if he was here.
if you're reading this, i know you're laughing! shut up.
man i miss you.
anyway. i watched Girl Fight...i didn't get to finish it though but it seems like a cool movie. michelle rodriguez is pretty bad ass. her arms were so nice, toned, & cut. not in an unattractive cut way either. it'd be cool.
i really want to change out & into some sweats and tank. go downstairs and bum. i know,, i'm not entirely the life of any party. i like staying in when i'm back home.
superficial of me i know.
dang. i think all i'll be doing is hanging out at the bar while my friends dance. i'm pretty sure that's how the night will play out.
last time i went out clubbing i was single. it was fun.
but i'd trade this night with a night with him & a movie.
or even better, it'd be nice if he was here.
if you're reading this, i know you're laughing! shut up.
man i miss you.
anyway. i watched Girl Fight...i didn't get to finish it though but it seems like a cool movie. michelle rodriguez is pretty bad ass. her arms were so nice, toned, & cut. not in an unattractive cut way either. it'd be cool.
i really want to change out & into some sweats and tank. go downstairs and bum. i know,, i'm not entirely the life of any party. i like staying in when i'm back home.
Friday, December 26, 2008
we still-frankie j
crap. i can't find my font types.
anyway.
i love this song...it reminds me of high school nights...for some reason.
i think it is stupid & insecure of me to allow past situations to sting me. especially because it was a past without me. i don't know what went down all that time but i can't help but feeling guilty now. i can't hate her, i don't even know her. & what makes it worst is that i do understand. i know how it is to love someone with all of me. how it is to love someone more. to let them go. it was the most painful ordeal of my life. i can't love the same consequently not to say that i don't love because i do, just it is different this time around. i may lack walls but i'm not blind like i used to. it takes a first love to really see the light. to build tougher skin.
this christmas i'm thankful to have spent it with my family here in japan & with my extended fam back here in japan. i do miss him though & can't help but think what he would say if he was here with me. what he would say in regards to the culture, to the weather, to the food, to the cars, to the roads...just little things. its stupid because i laugh out loud to little thoughts because most of the time i could imagine what he would say.
i'm happy that i learned to love again. its cliche & corny, but i seriously did not think i could have let myself. i learned that in order to learn to love again you have to let go of the heartache that had once convinced you. let the wounds heal & you have to learn to be happy in your own skin. then learning to let someone in, and learning to let yourself love. i can't say that this is it but i can hope & try.
i could have gone out tonight but i'm tired from hakone. i could have gone clubbing in tokyo...but i passed. maybe if i was single or if more ladies were going...hahah. no i'm serious, no point in going if ladies weren't gonna go. & since i'm taken...i'd rather just drink if i was gona be with the guys. but i'm not gonna go all the way to tokyo & do that & spend money i don't have.
i got greys 4th season. i should go watch it soon. i also got an itouch, uggs, nike frees (running shoes...still breakin them in but i went for two miles yesterday & they feel alright), gloves, purse...pretty cool things. black diamonds from the love.. first time i've ever received jewelry from a guy. well, real deal jewelry. hahah...too bad i couldn't have spent it with him & fam but he's there & they're here.
i went on all sorts of tangents hahah. yeah my heads a mess kind of. well i'm going to bum it downstairs. i hope everyone enjoyed their christmas :)
anyway.
i love this song...it reminds me of high school nights...for some reason.
i think it is stupid & insecure of me to allow past situations to sting me. especially because it was a past without me. i don't know what went down all that time but i can't help but feeling guilty now. i can't hate her, i don't even know her. & what makes it worst is that i do understand. i know how it is to love someone with all of me. how it is to love someone more. to let them go. it was the most painful ordeal of my life. i can't love the same consequently not to say that i don't love because i do, just it is different this time around. i may lack walls but i'm not blind like i used to. it takes a first love to really see the light. to build tougher skin.
this christmas i'm thankful to have spent it with my family here in japan & with my extended fam back here in japan. i do miss him though & can't help but think what he would say if he was here with me. what he would say in regards to the culture, to the weather, to the food, to the cars, to the roads...just little things. its stupid because i laugh out loud to little thoughts because most of the time i could imagine what he would say.
i'm happy that i learned to love again. its cliche & corny, but i seriously did not think i could have let myself. i learned that in order to learn to love again you have to let go of the heartache that had once convinced you. let the wounds heal & you have to learn to be happy in your own skin. then learning to let someone in, and learning to let yourself love. i can't say that this is it but i can hope & try.
i could have gone out tonight but i'm tired from hakone. i could have gone clubbing in tokyo...but i passed. maybe if i was single or if more ladies were going...hahah. no i'm serious, no point in going if ladies weren't gonna go. & since i'm taken...i'd rather just drink if i was gona be with the guys. but i'm not gonna go all the way to tokyo & do that & spend money i don't have.
i got greys 4th season. i should go watch it soon. i also got an itouch, uggs, nike frees (running shoes...still breakin them in but i went for two miles yesterday & they feel alright), gloves, purse...pretty cool things. black diamonds from the love.. first time i've ever received jewelry from a guy. well, real deal jewelry. hahah...too bad i couldn't have spent it with him & fam but he's there & they're here.
i went on all sorts of tangents hahah. yeah my heads a mess kind of. well i'm going to bum it downstairs. i hope everyone enjoyed their christmas :)
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
my sassy girl
first of all i know that my sassy girl is originally a korean movie but i just watched the american version. i'm pretty sure most of my friends who saw the korean version will probably not like the american version but i don't have time to find the movie online...anyway, i liked the movie, even if i just watched the american version. the story essentially in & of itselff is really sweet. very cute. i actually cried a little, & i can't remember the last time crying for a movie...since...who knows. i never cried in the notebook & i don't think i cried watching p.s.i love you...just kidding i did, i just remembered. the part in the beginning of the movie where she tells him it's his turn to turn off the light (but he's already dead) i think that part was the most heartbreaking out of the entire movie.
but you get it, it's a sweet story.
one part i hate about winter is dry skin. my excema become more aggravated & sensitive it sucks.
tomorrow our family friends will come over for christmas...excitingg. i missed our family friends here in japan. my close friends from those families are like blood, like cousins or even more siblings. my aunts & uncles are all very close too. we have a good time, it's always & usually very fun.
i'm sorry to my friends whom i haven't contacted yet, i hope to soon. it's been very hectic with my fam.
so i introduced my parents to my bf via telephone. i hate how my dad acts somewhat very formal but he's just looking out for me. it's kind of funny. at least this time he didn't hand out a paper with rules...haha.
i haven't much on my mind, nothing too deep. just been enjoying time back home & with the family.
we've been eatting a lot...good food but ahhh. oh man i threw away my last pair of contacts, my fault really. they were expired i should of bought more ahead of time. i'm such a procrastinator!
getting a pap smear next week. i've heard it to be a hellish ordeal. i just hope i get a woman.
uhm yeah we're going to christmas eve mass...i should start fixing my hair because it takes me forever & days to curl it.
merry christmas :)
but you get it, it's a sweet story.
one part i hate about winter is dry skin. my excema become more aggravated & sensitive it sucks.
tomorrow our family friends will come over for christmas...excitingg. i missed our family friends here in japan. my close friends from those families are like blood, like cousins or even more siblings. my aunts & uncles are all very close too. we have a good time, it's always & usually very fun.
i'm sorry to my friends whom i haven't contacted yet, i hope to soon. it's been very hectic with my fam.
so i introduced my parents to my bf via telephone. i hate how my dad acts somewhat very formal but he's just looking out for me. it's kind of funny. at least this time he didn't hand out a paper with rules...haha.
i haven't much on my mind, nothing too deep. just been enjoying time back home & with the family.
we've been eatting a lot...good food but ahhh. oh man i threw away my last pair of contacts, my fault really. they were expired i should of bought more ahead of time. i'm such a procrastinator!
getting a pap smear next week. i've heard it to be a hellish ordeal. i just hope i get a woman.
uhm yeah we're going to christmas eve mass...i should start fixing my hair because it takes me forever & days to curl it.
merry christmas :)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
crap.
for lack of a better title...no but seriously.
just telling myself i got myself into this...whatever is going on..
man. i just hope i'm okay & that nothing is seriously wrong with me.
....crap.
just telling myself i got myself into this...whatever is going on..
man. i just hope i'm okay & that nothing is seriously wrong with me.
....crap.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
ikego
so around 630am my dad wakes up & asks me to go gym with him. i figured i wasn't going to fall back asleep so i went. good choice! i ran for 20 minutes then got super exhausted hahah.but it felt good. then we got home, had breakfast with rest of fam, went to the base & did some grocery shopping..went back home..& bummed. my mom's already nagging me! crazy woman. she's already irritated because i haven't unpacked everything yet. & when she saw my hair & i told her i don't really comb it she got even more furious..hahah. & i just laugh at her being irritated because most of me believes she isn't terribly pissed. i guess more annoyed, but its funny.
ivan will be home soon, my parents went to go pick him up. i made some tofu dish, spinach&grapes&pecan salad, & will steam some crabs..there's also some pancit & i think adobo too.
last night we had pinakbet & tilapia...man i really missed my moms cooking. last time i had pinakbet was at the bf's house. which was awhile back.
oh yeah i went running around ikego this afternoon. just for 30 minutes. i'm really going to try working my way back to my summer status. i was making progress then i went & fcked it all up. then i got home...talked to the bf for a bit...yeahp.
anyway
i feel bad because nates room is trashed with all my stuff..but my first week back i like to be lazy :) hahah. stupid huh.
well i should clean at least a litte..look somewhat civil.
i'll watch some jr aquino youtube vids while i do that..haha.
ivan will be home soon, my parents went to go pick him up. i made some tofu dish, spinach&grapes&pecan salad, & will steam some crabs..there's also some pancit & i think adobo too.
last night we had pinakbet & tilapia...man i really missed my moms cooking. last time i had pinakbet was at the bf's house. which was awhile back.
oh yeah i went running around ikego this afternoon. just for 30 minutes. i'm really going to try working my way back to my summer status. i was making progress then i went & fcked it all up. then i got home...talked to the bf for a bit...yeahp.
anyway
i feel bad because nates room is trashed with all my stuff..but my first week back i like to be lazy :) hahah. stupid huh.
well i should clean at least a litte..look somewhat civil.
i'll watch some jr aquino youtube vids while i do that..haha.
Friday, December 19, 2008
jetlagged
i'm jetlagged! it sucks!
i want to be sleeping! i wanted to wake up late morning...& i did but california time. i woke up like 3isham here..which is like..10ish back in california. i want to use the phone but it's in my parent's room.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep..maybe i should take some nyquil..hahah.ugh.
it is pretty cold back home. a little bit colder than cali.
man, i'm seriously hoping that i kept my B in micro!! i don't want any C's...omg i haven't even applied to take the TEAS test. oh i'm slackin.
hahah, wednesday night was the longest goodbye of my life! i don't think it ever took me that long to say bye to someone :(. not even..
it was hard...oddly enough. it's wasn't like i was leaving & not knowing when i was going to see him again...but it was still hard. it still hurt some. it was sad. i don't know which would be more difficult, him leaving or me. flo said it probably would have been harder if he was the one leaving for a month...& yeah...it probably would.
i'm wrapped up in your smell. i don't want it to fade.
but i'm going to have to wash this tshirt sometime hah.
i don't know what else to write about..i'm so bored & tired! no movies to watch either my parent's stopped buying DVDs.."waste of money."
i knew i should have brought home my dvds..oh well.
k..i'm going to watch christian the lion or something on youtube hahahah..
man i miss you.
i want to be sleeping! i wanted to wake up late morning...& i did but california time. i woke up like 3isham here..which is like..10ish back in california. i want to use the phone but it's in my parent's room.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep..maybe i should take some nyquil..hahah.ugh.
it is pretty cold back home. a little bit colder than cali.
man, i'm seriously hoping that i kept my B in micro!! i don't want any C's...omg i haven't even applied to take the TEAS test. oh i'm slackin.
hahah, wednesday night was the longest goodbye of my life! i don't think it ever took me that long to say bye to someone :(. not even..
it was hard...oddly enough. it's wasn't like i was leaving & not knowing when i was going to see him again...but it was still hard. it still hurt some. it was sad. i don't know which would be more difficult, him leaving or me. flo said it probably would have been harder if he was the one leaving for a month...& yeah...it probably would.
i'm wrapped up in your smell. i don't want it to fade.
but i'm going to have to wash this tshirt sometime hah.
i don't know what else to write about..i'm so bored & tired! no movies to watch either my parent's stopped buying DVDs.."waste of money."
i knew i should have brought home my dvds..oh well.
k..i'm going to watch christian the lion or something on youtube hahahah..
man i miss you.
home
i'm home..
I had the best plane experience ever. I rode Japan Airlines...it was awesome! I had my own little screen tv & they had a selection of movies to choose from...I watched Love Actually, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (fave!), & House Bunny (which is pretty funnyy). I slept a lot of the time, it made the flight go way fast. I didn't have a watch on me so I don't even know how long I slept. Airplane food sucks, I never eat it. Well, I'll eat fruit, salad, or dessert...but I can't eat it all & I really don't like the main dishes...I usually feel like regurgitating when I smell it. But aside from that, the plane ride felt relatively short. I liked it. I think I'll take nyquil again when I head back.
I'm such a girl but I really misss him. Something hit me on the plane...crazy.
I feel pretty tired...I lost a day & I keep forgetting that! I keep thinking its thursday but its already friday.
feels good to be home! there's just something missing but oh well.
gdnight
I had the best plane experience ever. I rode Japan Airlines...it was awesome! I had my own little screen tv & they had a selection of movies to choose from...I watched Love Actually, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (fave!), & House Bunny (which is pretty funnyy). I slept a lot of the time, it made the flight go way fast. I didn't have a watch on me so I don't even know how long I slept. Airplane food sucks, I never eat it. Well, I'll eat fruit, salad, or dessert...but I can't eat it all & I really don't like the main dishes...I usually feel like regurgitating when I smell it. But aside from that, the plane ride felt relatively short. I liked it. I think I'll take nyquil again when I head back.
I'm such a girl but I really misss him. Something hit me on the plane...crazy.
I feel pretty tired...I lost a day & I keep forgetting that! I keep thinking its thursday but its already friday.
feels good to be home! there's just something missing but oh well.
gdnight
Monday, December 15, 2008
almost
so the rain today was pretty crazy! driving to hollister i seriously thought i was going to die. dark clouds and winds were pretty threatening. but let's say it was worth the drive :).
took my sociology final! i really hope i got a good grade. it was hard to focus because my stomach was in a terrible shock of pain..it was because i didn't eat all day! i learned that after i ate & my stomach ache went away. but yeah i was just trying to finish the test because the pain was getting unbearable. i'm just glad it wasn't the take the dump stomach ache.
about to have dinner with my cousin sooon...then more studying tonight! 3 more days...
almost there.
almost done with finals
almost feeling the warmth of home
almost near miss you central
took my sociology final! i really hope i got a good grade. it was hard to focus because my stomach was in a terrible shock of pain..it was because i didn't eat all day! i learned that after i ate & my stomach ache went away. but yeah i was just trying to finish the test because the pain was getting unbearable. i'm just glad it wasn't the take the dump stomach ache.
about to have dinner with my cousin sooon...then more studying tonight! 3 more days...
almost there.
almost done with finals
almost feeling the warmth of home
almost near miss you central
Sunday, December 14, 2008
cold sunday night
i hate these reoccuring predicaments. you'd think it'd be different.
sometimes i feel stronger alone.
i love.... but i love myself more to know i deserve better.
i hope this is just crack.
anyway.
it hit me.
it is the holidays.
it hit me on the calaveras street light. empty intersection. glossy pavement and random nice christmas song on the radio.
but i didn't feel all warm inside. just cold throughout.
cold & lonely
sometimes i feel stronger alone.
i love.... but i love myself more to know i deserve better.
i hope this is just crack.
anyway.
it hit me.
it is the holidays.
it hit me on the calaveras street light. empty intersection. glossy pavement and random nice christmas song on the radio.
but i didn't feel all warm inside. just cold throughout.
cold & lonely
Saturday, December 13, 2008
coughcoughcough
fuck! i hate being sick! well during finals week. i feel miserable =/.
dang and i really can't have a fever when i arrive to japan or they're going to lock me up for a day! that would suck.
nothing new lately, just finals. finals. finals.
i hate finals.
i'm excited & sad to leave. 4 mos this coming saturday & i won't be here. i swear it feels much longer than 4 mos. i know i'm happy about it.
wow, that means christmas is really close. it still hasn't hit me! i'm still not feeling it. there's christmas trees and music and peppermint white mochas...but it still hasn't hit me. christmas in the park didn't hit me either. maybe i won't feel it until i ride the plane. maybe i won't feel it until i'm on blue street. maybe it won't hit me until i make a phone call thousands of miles away and i feel my heart slowly breaking.
and i feel so tired without doing much! i feel so tired right now.
i just feel super miserable. inside & out.
dang and i really can't have a fever when i arrive to japan or they're going to lock me up for a day! that would suck.
nothing new lately, just finals. finals. finals.
i hate finals.
i'm excited & sad to leave. 4 mos this coming saturday & i won't be here. i swear it feels much longer than 4 mos. i know i'm happy about it.
wow, that means christmas is really close. it still hasn't hit me! i'm still not feeling it. there's christmas trees and music and peppermint white mochas...but it still hasn't hit me. christmas in the park didn't hit me either. maybe i won't feel it until i ride the plane. maybe i won't feel it until i'm on blue street. maybe it won't hit me until i make a phone call thousands of miles away and i feel my heart slowly breaking.
and i feel so tired without doing much! i feel so tired right now.
i just feel super miserable. inside & out.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
ice box
sometimes i wonder if its better to have your heart broken or to be the heart breaker.
i really wish i wasn't so stepped on.
but sometimes i feel i don't get the respect i deserve unless i'm a bitch.
& sometimes a line can be crossed.
i really wish i wasn't so stepped on.
but sometimes i feel i don't get the respect i deserve unless i'm a bitch.
& sometimes a line can be crossed.
i'm such a girl
omg i'm really going to miss him.
so we were just talking and we realized we can't see each other till sunday (b/c he's working) and for some stupid reason i started tearing. hella gay right. i was just hoping i'd see him more since i'm leaving thursday i don't even know why i'm so sad! i didn't think i'd get this upset but yeah, i really will miss him :(. stupid love! hahah. no, i do love him though. this is my first time that i've ever felt torn about going home. i'm usually always very excited but this time, i'm not as excited as i used to be. i am in the sense of course i miss my family! & few close friends. but he makes me want to stay. its crazy in such a short amount of time i've gotten....attached. its okay though. i love him.
so we were just talking and we realized we can't see each other till sunday (b/c he's working) and for some stupid reason i started tearing. hella gay right. i was just hoping i'd see him more since i'm leaving thursday i don't even know why i'm so sad! i didn't think i'd get this upset but yeah, i really will miss him :(. stupid love! hahah. no, i do love him though. this is my first time that i've ever felt torn about going home. i'm usually always very excited but this time, i'm not as excited as i used to be. i am in the sense of course i miss my family! & few close friends. but he makes me want to stay. its crazy in such a short amount of time i've gotten....attached. its okay though. i love him.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
can you let me know
song was the one to get me goinnng. i'm feeling good though. i went for an hour...intervals of running/walking. had to do intervals, it is going to take a while to get where i used to be. patience. i do have a clearer head though. i went running by the hills, no distractions or noise (aside from my own music) but it was really good. although i still have problems tumbling in my head, i feel a little better about them.
going to get ready for school, easy day ahead.
going to get ready for school, easy day ahead.
running.
breaking bad habbits is hard. no joke.
i wouldn't be here if i had strayed from what was doing me good.
i'm going to try running today. i haven't ran in...so long. & its cold outside!
oh well i'm going to have to start somewhere right?
i feel like starting over.
why hasn't the season hit me yet! its that holiday season but i'm not feeling it. for some reason it still feels like september. it's like i watched the semester slipped through my hands. its a good indication that time is moving fast though, i just feel like i move too slow.
so i'm going to get ready & try running.
i doubt i'll last very long but i've got to start somewhere & this seems like an ok place to start.
i wouldn't be here if i had strayed from what was doing me good.
i'm going to try running today. i haven't ran in...so long. & its cold outside!
oh well i'm going to have to start somewhere right?
i feel like starting over.
why hasn't the season hit me yet! its that holiday season but i'm not feeling it. for some reason it still feels like september. it's like i watched the semester slipped through my hands. its a good indication that time is moving fast though, i just feel like i move too slow.
so i'm going to get ready & try running.
i doubt i'll last very long but i've got to start somewhere & this seems like an ok place to start.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
falling
i'm going to stop trying to resist gravity. it is way too late.
i'm falling
& falling
& falling
& falling
i'm falling
& falling
& falling
& falling
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
i used to rule the world
not really but compared to now! the world is kicking my ass. okay, not really.
no, just when i think about it, my very first semester i think i was somewhat more responsible...in the sense of money, my weight, & school. i was very money conscientious..& now where am i at? an incredulous amount (for a girl who isn't working!) credit card debt. i lost weight my first semester; 10 pounds dropped without thoroughly realizing it until i bought new clothes & went home to japan summer 06...where am i at now? i'm pretty sure i gained most of it back! school i made straight A's...pretty much coz i had no life outside school then. now i'm just making sure i don't get any C's. I've already made two in the course of two semesters.
my dad's upset that i have a 3.2. i mean i'm not estatic about the gpa either but i'm not that upset about it.
i stress enough about too much other shit that i probably shouldn't be stressing about but i do anyway.
i need an outlet. a constant, reliable outlet. aside from writing.
& i need one that doesn't involve contaminating my body any more than it already is.
kickboxing was really good last semester...too bad i don't have time for it anymore.
there's so many things i wish i could have talked to him about but i want to keep it to myself so he doesn't have to deal with that part of me. i don't think anyone should have to. i just feel, bad.
okay, i have to write one of the stupidest, easiest, time consuming papers of my life....about yoga.
ugh. i swear i'm not getting an A in yoga either because of poor attendance thanks to oversleeping my alarm.
its the holidays; i think all i want for christmas is 1)not a broken heart 2)to have no negative inhibitions.
that'd be nice
no, just when i think about it, my very first semester i think i was somewhat more responsible...in the sense of money, my weight, & school. i was very money conscientious..& now where am i at? an incredulous amount (for a girl who isn't working!) credit card debt. i lost weight my first semester; 10 pounds dropped without thoroughly realizing it until i bought new clothes & went home to japan summer 06...where am i at now? i'm pretty sure i gained most of it back! school i made straight A's...pretty much coz i had no life outside school then. now i'm just making sure i don't get any C's. I've already made two in the course of two semesters.
my dad's upset that i have a 3.2. i mean i'm not estatic about the gpa either but i'm not that upset about it.
i stress enough about too much other shit that i probably shouldn't be stressing about but i do anyway.
i need an outlet. a constant, reliable outlet. aside from writing.
& i need one that doesn't involve contaminating my body any more than it already is.
kickboxing was really good last semester...too bad i don't have time for it anymore.
there's so many things i wish i could have talked to him about but i want to keep it to myself so he doesn't have to deal with that part of me. i don't think anyone should have to. i just feel, bad.
okay, i have to write one of the stupidest, easiest, time consuming papers of my life....about yoga.
ugh. i swear i'm not getting an A in yoga either because of poor attendance thanks to oversleeping my alarm.
its the holidays; i think all i want for christmas is 1)not a broken heart 2)to have no negative inhibitions.
that'd be nice
Monday, December 1, 2008
talk about embarrassing.
it is really cold right now.
so the most embarrassing thing happened to me in micro lecture. i fell asleep. & you know how sometimes people make noises in their sleep?
& micro lec. hall is definitely one of the last places i'd have that happen to me...
but for my luck it was the first place!
i don't know how to classify it: a cross between a squeal & the way josh made it sound, lightweight big O. ahahahahaha..
seriously i don't know how that happend. but good thing we're in the back & hopefully no one else heard me besides them. i laughed it off with josh,robyn,&giselle though but seriously still embarrassing. the last thing i remember before i guess i made the sound was roller coasters. high ones.
still, don't know.
i only had 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & i feel like i'm dying. i wanted to finish my report! but i don't think i can. i'll finish tomorrow. i'm going to sleep some and do some studying later on.
man, definitely most embarrassing thing that happend to me in a while.
to make it worst josh told my boyfriend that i said his name! i really don't think i did. i really hope i didn't!
hahaha...stupid.
oh yeah, warriors lost. again. maybe i'm a bad luck spectator! was a really close game though..intense.
okay forreal, outtty.
so the most embarrassing thing happened to me in micro lecture. i fell asleep. & you know how sometimes people make noises in their sleep?
& micro lec. hall is definitely one of the last places i'd have that happen to me...
but for my luck it was the first place!
i don't know how to classify it: a cross between a squeal & the way josh made it sound, lightweight big O. ahahahahaha..
seriously i don't know how that happend. but good thing we're in the back & hopefully no one else heard me besides them. i laughed it off with josh,robyn,&giselle though but seriously still embarrassing. the last thing i remember before i guess i made the sound was roller coasters. high ones.
still, don't know.
i only had 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night & i feel like i'm dying. i wanted to finish my report! but i don't think i can. i'll finish tomorrow. i'm going to sleep some and do some studying later on.
man, definitely most embarrassing thing that happend to me in a while.
to make it worst josh told my boyfriend that i said his name! i really don't think i did. i really hope i didn't!
hahaha...stupid.
oh yeah, warriors lost. again. maybe i'm a bad luck spectator! was a really close game though..intense.
okay forreal, outtty.
isleys
"for the love of you" reminds me so cal, from when i was a little girl. reminds me of my dad driving and me sitting shotgun. wind in my face. good times. better days. i think the best days of my life were when i was a little, too young to understand too much and hopefully also the days after college where i'm on my own...living how i want to live. hopefully!
ugh i was supposed to work out today but i didn't get a lot of sleep. i think i slept from 3 to 630am. i'm sluggish. i couldn't sleep last night it was crazy! caffine was all up in my system, but i guess that is my fault. i drank a cup of coffee & i don't know how many cups of tea i had...physically i was exhausted but my mind was going haywire. i layed in bed, closed my eyes, took deep breaths but sleep did not want to claim me; it was frustrating. i was trying to find sleep but my mind wouldn't find any peace at all. it kept thinking about micro: bacillus subtilis, skin diseases, and nervous system diseases. gah...
but i'm about to shower soon and crack down on some more school work so i'm not entirely unproductive. i have a lot of weight to lose though. i was looking at pictures from last summer..man if i could get that size again i'd be happy.
i heard about the walmart employer that got trampled by the shopping mob--that is a very sad thing. the drive for material cost a man his life...that's just too much. great mall was definitely too much! i don't think i'm black friday shopping again. hahaha..i say that.
yeah, gona shower now, & start the hw.
ugh i was supposed to work out today but i didn't get a lot of sleep. i think i slept from 3 to 630am. i'm sluggish. i couldn't sleep last night it was crazy! caffine was all up in my system, but i guess that is my fault. i drank a cup of coffee & i don't know how many cups of tea i had...physically i was exhausted but my mind was going haywire. i layed in bed, closed my eyes, took deep breaths but sleep did not want to claim me; it was frustrating. i was trying to find sleep but my mind wouldn't find any peace at all. it kept thinking about micro: bacillus subtilis, skin diseases, and nervous system diseases. gah...
but i'm about to shower soon and crack down on some more school work so i'm not entirely unproductive. i have a lot of weight to lose though. i was looking at pictures from last summer..man if i could get that size again i'd be happy.
i heard about the walmart employer that got trampled by the shopping mob--that is a very sad thing. the drive for material cost a man his life...that's just too much. great mall was definitely too much! i don't think i'm black friday shopping again. hahaha..i say that.
yeah, gona shower now, & start the hw.
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