like a boy-ciara

i know what i did was right for me but it does hurt.
it doesn't make sense for me to miss you.
after all the pain and hurt, it does not make sense.
i can't wait for summer so i can just move on.

i hate this part right here.

"Emotions are definitely not a bad thing. It just really means you care. I keep saying, you need someone to really compliment that. Its the truth. It doesn't make getting over someone any easier but take comfort in that little feeling of renewal in the sense that you know in your heart its the right thing, if you truly feel that way. Try not to hesitate so hard. Go more with your passion and initial feelings, they usually will lead to what you want deep down. You're stronger than you make yourself out to be, I've seen it. Its just your expectations exceed another's motivation. Love is a process of trial and error, and I know you've had a lot of errors but I'm also sure you've taken something out of each of those. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Just have faith. Everything happens for a reason, just do what you know is right." -from a great friend.

mess.mess.mess.

In all honesty,
I am a mess. I think so. I want a fresh start.
But I'm stuck.
.
I'm back to where I was two years ago...w.t.f.?
I hate that I even depend.
I hate that I let myself depend.
I'm angry that I trust.
I'm angry that I love.
I'm angry that I let things go.
I hate to pretend.
I'm upset that I can't expect anything.
Because honestly; there is nothing to expect.
I'm unsatisfied. I'm not happy.

foolish-ashanti

Aside from my emotional lack of a love kind of life my computer is shit. I gain weight by smelling food.
I'm a sad little dependent girl. I'm 21 but I felt like I got pushed back to being 16. It sucks.
I want to get out of this little shit hole I'm in but I really don't know where to start.
& I hate feeling so helpless. I think I'm a product of learned helplessness. At least the way I grew up.
I want my period to hurry the fck up so I can get done with all this emotional bullshit.

I've got big big plans...

I hope they go through.

I wanted to do summer school this summer but I'm waitlisted for all my classes...so...I think I'm just going to go home to Japan and work.
Hopefully two jobs.
Hopefully Hayama International School will hire me again. I worked there 3 summers ago! When I was 18. That job is Monday through Friday, 8-3pm. Then I'm going to apply to Chili's and hopefully work during the nights. I'm excited hopefully all this goes as planned.
Oh and I'm going to try and do the Personal Trainer program and get certified. It's going to be cheaper on the base than here I think.
Big Plans.
If I get in the nursing program, I can get a part time job when I come back here. If I'm a certified personal trainer--better.
& Hopefully our parents let us move out because I'm going nuts in this hole.

My love life is ... I'm sticking it out. Sucking it up. Two weeks we'll see what is up. Hopefully things change.
I'm excited to spend summer in Japan. The only thing I'm worried about is my relationship. I'm always down but it doesn't work alone.

I want all this but we don't get everything we want so, we'll see.
I woke up at 2am and couldn't sleep. I miss having that one person you can call no matter what.
But we age and we go our ways. I can't wait for three years to pass by.
I really hope I get in our nursing program...The wait is killing me.

Today the wind is so cold. It's very annoying.
Not to mention I feel so fat & unattractive.
I hate being so damn passive.
I wish I could be a bitch sometimes. At least I wouldn't get fucked around with and stepped on all the time. Easily put down.
Nice girls finish last.

word vomit #2.

I'm "The Little Things" type of girl.
I cherish mundane everyday things. I'm not big on suprises or big lists. I'm grateful but I'm more partial to random consistency. So that may come off as an oxymoron but what I mean is this:
I appreciate random texts, calls, dates. I appreciate random i love yous. That's the kinda sappy shit I fall for. Your credibility doesn't lie in 1000+ words of reasons of love. It lies in the everyday things you do. The way I'm treated-by you. I like to know I'm still thought of -- even if they are second gaps between a busy schedule.
I'm not the kind of girl who can blindly believe that someone still cares about me if there is no show.
Don't tell- show.
If someone does tell, they should back it up.
It's like writing an essay, you include details to support. Details are actions.
Frankly, I'm tired.
But I'm still here.
can't that count for anything? I'm pretty sure my actions are loud enough to convey I'm fucking head over heels. & WHY?!
Everyone's telling me to think with my brain but here I am inflicted with criticism because why...
I love you.
& I'm tried of my walls & my pretentious attitude of not caring. Of sitting on the sideline. I'm so tired.
I need things to hold on to. I can't hang suspended forever. I'm despierately trying but I'm losing my grip.
I love him because he inspires me to be better. I had fun with him. We had those moments where I would think all day and night about because they were feel good times. I'm not talking physical. Just by being.
Because I'm the little things girl.
I like little hang outs with no purpose. I love kicking it at home just talking or watching t.v. I love laying in bed just to lay and be near you.
I miss the talking stage. I miss being friends, b/c I recieved more conversation.
Honest to God I would trade the material for t-i-m-e.
It's already sad I'm settling for a worthy 2 minute phone. Or any phone call. & a meaningful I love you. But it's understandable. I don't blame.
It's just what I want.
I miss being myself. I think today I was myself with you for a few minutes. The rest I held my tongue & just tried to savour the time with you. That was more important, it's always more important to me.
& I get so thrown off & so whiplashed. The few days I catch you & you're so affectionate. I'm such a pussy for wanting to tear everytime because it's that rare it hurts.
Maybe you deserve someone stronger. Who can take it. I don't know.
I don't want to be single & date around. I'm through with that. I met you. I found some reason to trust again. B/c I have you I give it all...fucking 100+%. I don't regret it. I don't want to ask anything from you in return but appreciation. But that's just you. I accept you as you are.
Now if I only I could tell you this in person.