Tear-Red Hot Chili Peppers

Today is his birthday. I went to have lunch with him. It was nice. He was talkative which was good because I'm not much for words lately. It may seem like I'm not, but I am very excited for him. He's so driven and hard-working it really makes me feel inadequate yet inspired. We're not in the same field but his attitude towards what he wants is somewhat contagious. I'm just in a pit right now.

I'm 21 & I feel behind. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about. I see peers around me hustling in school & work, & here I am receiving everything on a silver platter. I should be grateful! I should happy that I don't have to worry about work & school. I'd rather be tired than have nothing to do. I can only work out for so long. I can only swim so many laps. I guess if I become obsessed with working out I'll actually get lasting results...
I spend so much time alone. It's really not healthy. Everyone is so busy. Except me. Why can't I just focus on school and worry only about that?

I read these reasons why and they keep me hanging on. I wish I didn't have to read them to hang on. I should be stronger. I should be more independent. In that sense, I miss the girl I was last year. Then I did what I want. I had a job. I was busy. But I also had committment & trust issues. I was selfish, but I think I was somewhat more happy.
Honestly, I'm happy for him. I'm just not that happy for myself. I really hope I get in the nursing program. I don't think it is until then that I'll feel I'm doing something right in my life.

I wake up in the middle of the night. My thoughts all consume me where sleep fails.