dashboard always brings comfort.

Dashboard Confessional never fails to bring some kind of reminiscent comfort.
I'm listening to this song, "Even Now," by DC. I had the biggest crush on Chris Carrabba back in high school. Thought he was the ultimate shit and would hope to find a guy as sincere and musically talented as him. Funny how things turn out.

Last week was real good. It was memorable & "Even Now," makes me replay those moments.
From waking up to a super loud ass radio,to listening to sports talk radio driving down 25, going to school late, to driving at midnight back and falling asleep tangled just to have it happen all over again. It wasn't anything too crazy, but it was simple. It was nice.

I'm phoneless for about two weeks. This will be interesting. I'm pretty sure it will get frustrating but it should be okay.
He's going to be so busy, I already miss him. I wish I could easily shake off these insecurities but I know it will take the same amount of time as trying to shake off pounds. I'm a selfish and jealous lover. I should get over it.

I really should do my homework and read.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Church at 7am. That is going to be a killer. But I should.
What to sacrifice this year...last year I didn't sacrifice anything. I don't know if I will this year. Maybe junk food. I do eat a lot of it now. Comfort food. I should. It will be good for me.
Hmm.
We'll see.

No one else to blame

I can't wait to repaint these walls. & I can't wait for things to get better.
God.
I need patience.
I need you.

xxi, a break.

I did enjoy my birthday yesterday, I actually did. I mean there was awhile when I got all emo and weird but aside from that I realized that the number one thing I'm grateful for are the people in my life. Time with them is the best ever, really. I remember being a kid and the best thing I looked forward to was the tearing off the shiny decorated boxes. Older now and best thing about my birthday is spending it with the people I love. This is the first birthday that I didn't cry for missing my family in Japan but I do miss them especially on my birthday. All the crap that I've had in the past few weeks didn't mean anything yesterday...and it leaked into today. I hope this is a good week...I like the momentum. Having a birthday on a Monday wasn't such a thing afterall. I feel it's a break from all the shitty feelings I had for the past few weeks. I should take advantage while I'm ahead.
Okay well I've got some Japanese homework to do and reading for a class tomorrow. Happy 21 :)

i need out of this shit hole.

why wasn't i made of more stronger material?! b/c everything about me is so vulnerable & fragile.

I want positive.

I want to find positive things. I seriously want to be at least content. Happy seems like too much to ask.
No, I'm happy when I'm with my friends & boyfriend. Am I selfish right now to not want to be around family?
I should be thankful I even have a family. I am. But I'm still angry.

Positive things in my life:
+ I have a family that cares for me.
- they care too much, if that's even possible.
+ I have good friends who put up with my bullshiz. & Are great people to be around.
+ I have a boyfriend who loves me. I think. jk.
+ I'm in college.
+ I have decent grades.
+ Oh yeah, I have a dog.
+ I'm in a house and not on the street.
+ I have a car to drive.
+ I don't have cancer. or any serious life threatening disease.
+ I think God loves me.
+ I don't have any physical disabilities. I can see, hear, taste, touch, smell. Bodily functions & vitals are relatively normal.
+ I live in California and not Texas or a third world country.
+ I have access to clean, running water.
+ We have a new president that I got to vote for.
+ I think I have a good head on my shoulders. Maybe.

Things I wish were better:
- I really wish I didn't have rules. I'm sorry I don't think I'm ever going to let it go.
- I do wish I heard "i love you" everynight. it makes it easier to sleep. it would be nice if I was up there, somehow.
- I wish I wasn't so emotionally retarded. I feel like Meredith Grey and her needless amount of issues.
- I wish I was excited for my own birthday. But there's not much to be excited for.
- I wish I could be more honest & speak my mind to those that I need to.
- I wish I walked with my face to the world rather than the ground.
- I wish I didn't feel so lonely.

Sometimes I wonder if something is really wrong with me, uhm. emotionally. It's sad because now I don't know if I have a right to feel what I want because most of my life my dad would criticize me for feeling, for being sensitive.
I wonder if he'll ever come to accept me for who I am & stop trying to change me.
My good guy friend was right earlier, I'm acting like such a girl.
Or maybe its the pill. I don't know anymore. These nights are getting old.

One more positive:
+ damn near quitting & getting back in shape.

bubble bubble bubble..

So I thought working out today would help blow some steam. Hardly. I just got tired but I still feel angry. & My immune system is weak because I'm sick so I think I may have gotten myself worse? At least I'm really tired that I want to go to bed. But I don't want to go to bed angry. I fear in the long run these little internal bubbles I keep to myself will accumulate and all pop at once. Although I don't know when. It's not the worst thing in the world but it's the worst thing in my life? Kind of. I'm not even excited for my birthday. I don't want gifts from my parents. But it's too late. Whatever. guess I'll be having a party and I'm only excited because I'll be with good company, hopefully. I've been doing some evaluating & I'm virtually getting no where. I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling lonely. I kind of hate my life. Now I sound like I'm back in high school. I've never felt so negative. It's not even feeling broken. It's just feeling all kinds of hate.

wow. I just got a random "whatsup."
Oddly enough it made going to sleep a little bit easier.

halik