My blood, my heart, my all...

I just watched 17 Again with Geo. Hanging out with him was really a good time. I've never felt more older sisterly, & I realized how much I love it & how much I missed him. It makes me feel sad that he only sees me twice a year..for the next 10 years of his life. I've missed how many of his soccer games, school performances...I hate to think of how much more I'll miss. I wish I saw him compete in his soraban contest. I hate to think of the number of baskets he'll shoot in his future basketball games.

I've just realized how much I take the few times I visit home for granted. It's stinging me deep. Family is very important to me. I hope to someday have a family and to raise them as tight as mine right now. I hope to become like my parents (only better...hahah, if that is even possible). I know my parents make some decisions I disagree with, but I still love them with all of me. I hope I can be a better example for my brothers, because I know I've disappointed them with the mistakes I've made. I can only hope they can learn from mine.

As far is my heart is concerned, I'm all good. I've accepted that it'll always be a part of me like the others, but it's something that I'm going to grow from. I'm not hurting anymore. I'm feeling stronger. That doesn't mean I'm going to move on, I'm going to take things like this slowly. Who knows maybe there will be another chance, maybe not. I've just accepted what is.

Good realizations the past few days. The hard way some...but I've learned nonetheless, it's what counts. Doesn't mean I feel life is perfect now, or that I'm certain of how life goes... it's just good at this moment, and I'm grateful for it.

Accepting the little things makes me happy. It's what I should pay attention to. The little things like dollar movie nights with my little brother...my mom leaving reminder post its...running 6 miles home with my dad...and those drives to & from school with Ivan sometimes silent sometimes with good conversation.

It's a good night.

all i hear is raindrops...

why I do this to myself, I have no clue.

In all honesty you were not cracked up to what you were supposed to be.

You're so selfish. Uncaring. Inconsiderate.

Yet, a part of me unconditionally cares about what you do, if you miss me, if you care.
It's sad really.

Home heals only so much, its now up to how I continue to let it sting. I really need to get it together.

The question that continues to pace around in my mind is:
"Where do you draw the line between loving someone with all of you & losing self respect?"

"You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains."

Gravity- Sara Bareilles.

Hm. I'm skinny on words. I'm thinking its book neglect, and finding the more common/slang ways in verbalizing my thoughts. I miss writing, and creatively I'll add, I don't know why I stopped.
Maybe because I felt I would write and write about the same thing, about him. Tired.
I miss reading too. I'm going to actually take a step onto the Twilight bandwagon. If there is so much hype, it must be that good.

I actually read a book lent by a friend. It is called Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami. It didn't come off to me as an easy or straight forward story. It entertains uncharted metaphors and depictions of love in a twisted way. I read it twice. I'm still attempting to reach past the general idea and find my own thoughts on it that hit home.

Think I should keep a journal on the books I'm reading like I used to. Jot the quotes that I relate or find thought worthy. Time to exerise my words, strive for clearer thoughts...

Out for tonight.

cucumbers

So, I've made progress. Thank God. 

I got into the nursing program, definitely a big weight lifter. I've never been so excited & happy in my life :).

I'm home in Japan & it's starting great :) 

I'm stuck on some guy. Which really is stupid but I can't help it. It's just my nature. 

To still care this much, it's pretty much idiotic. If I hurt it is my fault right now because I'm caring. 

I'm just hoping that if I don't get over him in the next two months, then maybe it'll be reciprocated. Or not. 

Which would suck..But no, I need to not. I need to be content being single. I need to not want companionship. I need to deal on my own without him or any other guy. That's what I need to do right now. I can't be wanting or needing. 

My lame brother needs the computer, & I need to come up with better insightful posts. 

i want to get back up

i want to get back up because i'm tired of getting knocked down.
no, i need to make better decisions in my life because i'm tired of feeling like a constant failure.
my poor decisions are nice ones at the moment but don't serve much of a purpose for the future.
no, they just make things more complicated. i'm more furious because all of this is my fault.
and i'm not okay with that. i want to blame something else but i can't.
i'm accountable for my poor gpa, & now i'm stuck. because i don't know how to fix it.
i don't know how to be happy alone anymore.
now i know how to fix it but it will take awhile. i'm sick of time.
and why'd he kiss me on the forehead?!
not to say i didn't like it. i hate myself right now.

seven days and counting...

I doubt with all of me that he misses me. But I chose this. I cut him. Right?
I wouldn't have though if I hadn't felt neglected. If I had felt love back, I definitely would not have cut him. If he had given me any kind of sign
that I was worth keeping, that I was worth...more than something. But the truth is, I didn't.
The truth is I was not worth it to him. I was not worth the phone calls, the little things...I was not worth it to him.
Truth is he wasn't worth another chance either. He wasn't worth the pain, the tears, the loneliness.
The more important truth is, I know I am worth the little things and then some. I never needed him to supply, I just needed supplement. Different things. I did need him to show that he loved me, but that of course, was probably asking too much.
So he could have been a catch, but I am too. For someone else.

Seven days single and it is looking up. Really single. There's no talking with him or with anyone else (too soon for that anyway). There are no prospects. & Eventually, there will be no missing...with time.

I told him I was going to take care of myself so I need to buck down and do it. I admit I've been in a blue funk for the past few days so I finally broke down yesterday. Keeping in the emotions for a few days finally erupted. It was chilling in my gut in a tight ball but it's been released. And it is okay now. I cleaned up. I got my schedule down. I'll be focused.
I want to say that I'm through with guys. I said that and looked what happened, so in all honesty, there's no telling.
But I do need to focus and remember nobody can take of myself better than myself, and of course the Main Man.
Emotionally unavailable. I'm in construction building up stronger walls. Stronger walls that hopefully won't get knocked down by sweet words or courteous actions. Because they are all the same.
I should have known it wouldn't have lasted. The little things he gave never carried on. That it was all a play to get well, let's say he did get what he wanted.
Not to say I didn't.
But I was always the one to want more. I was the one who loved more. It's painful but at least I do know I can love. More importantly at least I know when to let go. So...I'm slowly but surely healing.

I'm not afraid of love but I won't be open to it for awhile. At least if I keep telling myself this it'll hopefully take effect.
I'm all cried out. I've been through waiting. I'm more than all ready to be alright.

Now the most important thing I've been waiting for: nursing application results. People have gotten their acceptance letters and I have yet to receive any news. If I don't get in it'll most likely break my heart but I have two more chances.
I really really really hope I get in.

like a boy-ciara

i know what i did was right for me but it does hurt.
it doesn't make sense for me to miss you.
after all the pain and hurt, it does not make sense.
i can't wait for summer so i can just move on.