Tear-Red Hot Chili Peppers

Today is his birthday. I went to have lunch with him. It was nice. He was talkative which was good because I'm not much for words lately. It may seem like I'm not, but I am very excited for him. He's so driven and hard-working it really makes me feel inadequate yet inspired. We're not in the same field but his attitude towards what he wants is somewhat contagious. I'm just in a pit right now.

I'm 21 & I feel behind. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about. I see peers around me hustling in school & work, & here I am receiving everything on a silver platter. I should be grateful! I should happy that I don't have to worry about work & school. I'd rather be tired than have nothing to do. I can only work out for so long. I can only swim so many laps. I guess if I become obsessed with working out I'll actually get lasting results...
I spend so much time alone. It's really not healthy. Everyone is so busy. Except me. Why can't I just focus on school and worry only about that?

I read these reasons why and they keep me hanging on. I wish I didn't have to read them to hang on. I should be stronger. I should be more independent. In that sense, I miss the girl I was last year. Then I did what I want. I had a job. I was busy. But I also had committment & trust issues. I was selfish, but I think I was somewhat more happy.
Honestly, I'm happy for him. I'm just not that happy for myself. I really hope I get in the nursing program. I don't think it is until then that I'll feel I'm doing something right in my life.

I wake up in the middle of the night. My thoughts all consume me where sleep fails.

Ebony Eyes-Stevie Wonder

I haven't wrote in a while!
Not much has happened.
I had spring break...& I really wish I had gone to SD.
I should have hung out with more friends this break but I did a lot of alone time.
He was too busy, & it's not his fault. I understand. The situation just sucks but at the same time I see it as an opportunity for me to grow.
Or I'm just insanely attached. This really wasn't supposed to happen to me!!
I was supposed to hold my guard but seven months & I don't know how long it has been gone.
Dangerous, kinda.
This is forcing me to grow. Forcing me to have more patience. More understanding.
I miss him a lot but I wish he didn't have a hold on me like this...
It's sick.
Anyway.
I miss the cherry blossoms in Japan. I think they'll be starting to bloom soon. I'm looking at a picture of cherry blossoms right now...I feel slighly homesick.
I submitted my nursing application. I have never been THIS nervous in my life. I should be looking for a backup plan.
Really, I really really really really hope I get accepted. I can't wait.
I want this SO BAD. More than anything!!! More than a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.

I have these dreams of when I'm done with school.
Foolish me does want to see you in the picture.
Along with a couple of dogs. Nice and clean apartment. Efficient car. Hopefully exciting work shifts.
I'm really sleepy so I'm going to crash now.

280 North

I want to vomit a disgusting display of suppressed emotions & thoughts.
But I'd rather not.
Today we drove to standford shopping center & shared a cupcake from sprinkles. I would say it was a nice time.
I loved the view driving down 280. There were lots of green. I wasn't much for words today. I had so much on my mind though. I felt that I probably should have talked more but I just wanted to enjoy the ride & his company. It makes me sick with myself that I could love someone this much. Seriously. I need to be more distracted sometimes because he's all saturated into my brain.
But I still have this collection of thoughts, that I'd rather just put in a small box in the back of my head.

Think different.

http://www.fmylife.com/ >> good shit to read when you're having a bad day.
Or just when you want a good laugh.

So, one week of Lent has gone by. I gave up unhealthy food aka all the junk foods, fast food (well I don't really eat fast food so pretty much In-N-Out), chocolate!!! cookies, cakes, ice cream...I know I'm such a fatty to think this is the hardest thing to sacrifice hahah. But it's also to get me back into good shape & healthy habits. & I've been smoke free for a while!

I'm confused on my feelings towards abortion. I think one should assume the responsibility. But that means different to everyone. I don't believe in young girls trying to do self abortions because they're too scared for their parents to find out. I don't believe in publicly condemning those that choose it. I do believe doctors & nurses should have the choice of participating in an abortion and should have the option "out" if they feel this violates their beliefs. If I'm a nurse in the future I don't think I'd want to assist in an abortion but then again I really don't know how I feel on this topic. What if I got pregnant. Part of me would want to have the baby out of obligation & because I don't know how I'd live having commited abortion. Then again I don't know how I could live with the shame my family will definitely feel towards me.

My aunt brought this topic up to my attention. It was discussed in church. Essentially I felt she was trying to sway me towards a political party. Theirs. My family here are all die hard Republicans. I honestly don't feel comfortable talking about my personal beliefs knowing they judge. I know they think they're serving a family duty to make sure the values & morals are well established and that I carry it in my life but I just think different. My family needs to understand that I'm not perfectly imperfect or a girl lost without values. I wish they could accept me for everything I am.

I don't think I even want to belong to a party. I can't wait to get out of here because I'm tired of them imposing their beliefs disrespecting that I have my own. I honestly don't understand. I give them all so much respect.
There are some old school ways I thoroughly disagree with.
Why is it that I can't be given the same respect that I give.

underwear

i just thought that one of the things i can't wait to do in three years when i'm on my own is:
to walk around with just my underwear, a t-shirt, my hair in a towel, glasses, and some big comfy ass slippers. granted i live alone hahah.
sounds so comfortable.

game plan--ideally.

So starting next week I'm going to try
M&W:6AM spinning class
M:630pm-730PM kickboxing conditioning
TU&TH:630AM-7:30 kickboxing conditioning
Hopefully. I need to be more tired so I can sleep faster.
Good news: A on midterm today! yay yayy.
K. studying again.

everything in me.

I wanted this so it's only right that I give it everything. I can't half ass it.
I wanted it. I believe in it. If only I had been this passionate about nursing. It's going to take all the faith in me to pray that I can get in. Also studying for the TEAS. I should have been more on point about this. I really should have.

I'm so frustrated! Negative feelings are the easiest to write about. It's taking everything in me to understand this isn't going to be easy. I need more patience. I want to be more confident how things will be & to have faith.
The hardest thing about faith is that it's such an abstract idea with no concrete result, but that's the point of faith. To still believe knowing that there are unwinning chances.

I'm glad I have this list. Everyone else may think it's bull but it's something for me to hold on to. It helps.
Being in it with the hardship is better than without it.
I made my own list but I don't now whether or not to give it. I want to keep it so it reminds me. I shouldn't have to want to have it but it's hard.
It's harder than a long distrance relationship because that's a legitimit reason to not see each other or spend much time.
But if you're right in the same area during the day, it's frustrating because it's there but you can't have it.
I wish I was in the nursing program or I wish I was too busy to notice. It wouldn't hurt even.
I guess I'll go back to working out in the morning and afternoon. Get myself too tired to notice.
K back to studying. Three midterms this week=lots of fun.